SNL Goes Hard After Biden in Blistering Cold Open, Skewers the Narrative That He’s ‘Incredible’ When He’s ‘Behind Closed Doors’

ACTRESS PLAYING Dana Bash: “Good afternoon, I’m Dana Bash, and welcome to ‘Inside Politics.’ (Cheering and Applause) Coming up, we’ll give Wolf Blitzer an edible and an hour to solve the Middle East. But first, on Tuesday, President Joe Biden won the wish primary, but a New York Times poll today has him down five points, and many voters still have concerns about his age. Here with me is governor of California and Biden advocate, Gavin Newsom.”
ACTOR PLAYING Gavin Newsom: “Great to be with you, Dana. I understand people care about the president’s age, but they should care about is his record. Look at what Joe Biden has done for America. He’s created more jobs than any president in history, inflation is down, the shamrock shake is back, and Beyonce has gone country. Thank you, Joe.”
ACTRESS PLAYING Dana Bash: “Right. But can he make that case with the speed and sharpness that someone like you can?”
ACTOR PLAYING Gavin Newsom: “Dana, he — Joe can do it better. I was just with him. Behind closed doors, Joe is incredible. Yesterday we had a big meeting about the border, and, God, he had such command. He had charts, tables, PowerPoints, he had an interactive AR display on the Apple Vision Pro that he programmed himself. The software might be in beta, but the man, he is an alpha.”
ACTRESS PLAYING Dana Bash: “Governor, I have to admit, I’m a little skeptical. This is the same man people call ‘Sleepy Joe.’”
ACTOR PLAYING Gavin Newsom: “Well, he has to sleep, Dana! But even when he’s sleeping, he’s on. The other day, he was taking a nap, and I whipped a baseball at him and he caught it like DeNiro in ‘Awakening.’ Lightning quick. Just ask any of the people who are with him every day.”
ACTRESS PLAYING Dana Bash: “Very well. Let’s go live to Washington with White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre.”
ACTRESS PLAYING Karine Jean-Pierre: “Hello, Dana. Pleasure to be with you to talk about the most vigorous man I’ve ever known, Joe Biden.”
ACTRESS PLAYING Dana Bash: “Really?”
ACTRESS PLAYING Karine Jean-Pierre: “Absolutely. I was just with him, and behind closed doors, he’s a whirlwind. I mean, Dana, look at his schedule. 7:00 A.M., soul cycle class — and I’m not talking about taking one, he leads it. 8:30 A.M., play speed chess in the park. 8:32 A.M., wins chess game, points at opponent and says, ‘Next time, young blood.’ 9:30 A.M., meet with Joint Chiefs for a military strategy meeting and push-up contest. 10:02 A.M., wins contest, points at the head of the Joint Chiefs and says, ‘Next time, young blood.’ 10:03 to 11:00, train time. And that’s all before a lunch where he eats five whole chickens and a raw potato.”
ACTRESS PLAYING Dana Bash: “Karine, Biden is 81 years old. Isn’t that a little concerning?”
ACTRESS PLAYING Karine Jean-Pierre: “Only if you’re scared of wisdom. Look, Joe Biden was 30 years old before Roe versus Wade was instated, so you know he was smashing. He dealt with those restrictions then as a young handsome man, and he can deal with them now as an old, even more handsome man. Ask anyone who works with him closely.”
ACTRESS PLAYING Dana Bash: “Well, let’s do that. We are now joined live by Secretary of Homeland Security Alejandro Mayorkas.”
ACTOR PLAYING Alejandro Mayorkas: “Thanks for having me, Dana. I mean, I’m exhausted. I was with Joe Biden for the past weekend, and phew, he wiped me out.”
ACTRESS PLAYING Dana Bash: “Okay, so you feel he’s up to the job?”
ACTOR PLAYING Alejandro Mayorkas: “Dana, I was just with him, and behind closed doors, he’s a dynamo. This weekend, we both went down to the border town of Brownsville, Texas, and Joe went into beast mode. He said, ‘We gotta tighten this border, look how easy I can cross it.’ Then he parkoured up to the top of the border wall, he front-flipped into the Rio Grande and came back up with a fish in his mouth. But you didn’t report that because it doesn’t fit your little narrative.”
ACTRESS PLAYING Dana Bash: “Well, with all due respect, it doesn’t fit reality.”
ACTOR PLAYING Gavin Newsom: “Oh, please, Dana. We were all just with him. If you don’t believe us, just ask a good friend of mine, one of the NBA’s fiercest players, Golden State Warriors forward Draymond Green.”
ACTRESS PLAYING Dana Bash: “Let’s go live to San Francisco. Hello, Mr. Green.”
ACTOR PLAYING Draymond Green: “Yeah, what’s up, Dana? Are we talking about Joe Biden? Because he got that dog in him!”
ACTRESS PLAYING Dana Bash: “You met the president?”
ACTOR PLAYING Draymond Green: “I was just with him! And behind closed doors, he is strong! Joe got that grandpa monkey strip. And he can jump! That man can jump so high that I saw him grab a dollar off the top of a back board and leave some change. Did you know he dunked on me?”
ACTRESS PLAYING Dana Bash: “He dunked on you?”
ACTOR PLAYING Draymond Green: “Yeah, yeah. It was disrespectful too. He windmilled in my face and he talked about, ‘Yeah, next time, young blood.’ I wasn’t having it so I tried to punch him in the nuts and I broke three fingers. You can’t mess with Joe, man.”
ACTRESS PLAYING Dana Bash: “Governor, I have to say, we all know the stakes here. You don’t have to exaggerate to make voters feel better.”
ACTOR PLAYING Gavin Newsom: “I’m not. What we are saying about Biden is true. You want to call him? Let’s Face Time him. I’ll bet he’s probably just right in the middle of a bike ride. All right, can you put my phone up on the screen?”
ACTOR PLAYING Joe Biden: “Hey! Hey, all right! It’s Gavin Newsom!”
ACTOR PLAYING Gavin Newsom: “Mr. President?”
ACTOR PLAYING Joe Biden: “Hey, hold on. I’m just going to turn up the volume. Just gotta find the button. There we go — “
ACTOR PLAYING Gavin Newsom: “Well, looks like he hung up.”
ACTRESS PLAYING Dana Bash:” Well, while the governor tries to get him back on the line, let’s take a break, and live from New York, it’s Saturday night!”