How to Destroy Surf Life Saving

In this presentation, I give you three steps how to destroy surf life saving. (These steps are actually being implemented as we speak). Step 1. Send out a draft document to all clubs titled “Diverse Gender Factsheet for Surf Life Saving Clubs”.

Step 2. In it, explain to volunteers and members that in order to avoid misgendering people, they must “retrain their brain” to avoid calling people by their biological sex when they don’t identify as their biological sex, which may or may not be male or female. Obviously, your brain has been misprogrammed to think there are only two biological sexes, which is wrong, so your brain needs to be corrected. Don’t worry, you can practise when you are alone, or in your head. I recommend looking in the mirror, if you are a man, and repeating this affirmation over and over, “You are not a man. You are a little girl lifesaver.”

Step 3. Force clubs to modify existing change rooms, bathrooms and showers to “gender neutral spaces” and build more unisex toilets. Despite clubs primarily relying on donations and scant funding, and despite only 20 people out of the total 76,000 members identifying as non-binary, the clubs should be forced to spend any remaining resources on rebuilding their toilets to accommodate less than 0.1% of people. It does not matter if parents do not want their teenage daughters getting changed in the same change room as an anatomically correct male who just happens to identify as female, that is just plain ignorance and parents just need to retrain their brains.

If you follow these three steps, you are sure to destroy surf life saving as we know it as thousands of people cancel their donations and membership, and pull their children out of the clubs.

Alternatively, you can just focus on the key objective of saving people from drowning. “We accept all people no matter their background. As long as you’re willing to rescue people from drowning without fear or favour, you are welcome.”

Personally, if I’m out swimming in the surf and get caught in a strong current and need to be dragged out of the ocean by a surf lifesaver, I don’t care what you call me. Mr, Mrs. Miss. Instead, I will be eternally grateful that you saved me.

MUSIC
Allégro by Emmit Fenn