My Cyberpunk 2077 Love Tragedy

via ANDREWNEF.COM

The first day we met we went hiking, and I remember she said she had dreams of studying in Europe or opening an art studio, but there was no way she could afford it.

She had just graduated with a degree in fine art, which in Taiwan is almost certain to doom you to a life of low pay and lack of opportunity. But she still had hope.

She'd wake up early and listen to cheerful lofi music and cook herself a nice breakfast. Then she’d paint or draw. Meanwhile I'd wake up late and gulp down some shitty coffee and start complaining.

But underneath all of the complaining I was determined to help her live out her dreams and wanted her to experience as much happiness as she could. She had talent, but lacked the confidence to promote her work in any way.

So I thought that if I got rich and stood by her side, I could make up for everything she lacked in her life, and give her a fair shot at all of the opportunities she deserved.

But when I failed to make money from any of my creative endeavors I realized that I would never be able to make this dream happen for her, and seeing her work shitty side jobs and struggling everyday killed me inside.

Because I knew she deserved more.

However, eventually both of us started to do a little better. She wrote a book that was picked up by a local publishing company, and she even went viral on YouTube a couple times. Even though she still wouldn't be able to go to Europe, we had built a decent life for ourselves, and she was happy.

She had the talent and I had the strategy. I convinced her to fight for a raise at work, and would feed her ideas on how she could promote her art and network with others. Sometimes she was grateful, and other times she thought I was too pushy and annoying.

In terms of my own endeavors, I still felt like a massive failure. I had a livestream that was barely making any money. I couldn't get any traction with my photography despite being quite great at it, and I was miserable in my English teaching job in Taiwan.

Even though we were not starving, we weren't really saving any money for the future.

So viscous thoughts began to circle in my head, "How will we ever have kids? How will we buy a home? Will we just repeat the cycle of our sad, angry, and bitter parents stuck in the lower realms of society? I’d rather die right now than watch the life of my father play out again before my own eyes."

I became crippled with fear.

We stopped going out. We became distant. We couldn’t communicate or work through our issues in a healthy way, so we just ignored them and began to live like roommates.

One weekend she wanted to go camping on the beach, but I had such a terrible attitude and just wanted to do my stupid livestream. But I decided we’d go on the trip anyway yet I complained and was an asshole the whole time. Eventually she just snapped and said we could go home and forget about everything. But I couldn’t stand to see her hurt like this, so I stopped being a jerk and we enjoyed the rest of the weekend together.

Yet in the weeks and months to come I focused less and less on her and only cared about becoming successful in my own way, which wasn’t even working.

I was making no progress. Everything was stagnant. This led me to destroy our relationship in the worst possible way.

Once the damage was done I could see clearly that it wasn’t about us becoming successful, earning money, or even making progress in our lives.

What she really wanted and needed was somebody to meet her where she was, not where she could be. Somebody willing to embrace love and life as it came, and walk through the fire together.

She was ready to jump into the river and see where it took us, but all I could do is stand on the edge like Narcissus.

And it wasn’t until it was over and she was gone that I realized her dream wasn’t even to go to Europe or start her own studio anymore. It was to be with me.