Fellowship of Guelphissauga: Mayor SKIPS Town for Homecoming & the MILLION Person Protest |Sep 2023

The Fellowship of Guelphissauga continues with the Million Person March for Protecting the Children and the Mayor going to New York city to avoid Homecoming. He split town just in time as both events drew huge hangry crowds to the Shire. Yelling matches and protest signs filled the streets as the Elder Elves tried to intervene. Can Carly of Klassen and the Elder Elves do anything about the Housing Cost Crisis and did the protest complete its goal?Show more

The Mayor knew Homecoming was scheduled at it's usual time this year, so he planned to split town before the shit-storm hit the Shire. He booked a grand trip over the border to New York city for a Climate Action vacay-conference. Along with other mayors, he hoped to wine and dine on the most succulent of climate actions. Bringing along his favourite suit and sneakers, he took a dog-Uber to the Shire's airport to catch his direct flight to the Empire State.

The airplane departed as the Mayor got comfortable in his first class seat. He made sure to book a window seat so he could watch the Shire from above. It gave a bird eye's view of the crowd at Homecoming that he avoiding. The plane banked southward as the Mayor could see the south end of the Shire and the mass of people gathered there.

The Mayor watched the huge crowd from Homecoming in the student ghetto from the air. In what looked like a pile of ants spilling into the streets, it was a multi-coloured crowd of red, gold, and black. The crowd had a yellow perimeter where the cops were cashing in on their overtime pay. The police said they didn't want the partying students to get into any shenanigans, like egging people's houses. But in reality, they were there watching the students hangout and searching for revenue generating infractions.

The police weren't wrong about egging schenanigans being an issue in the Shire. Recently, two eggs were left on someone's front porch with a threatening letter. The letter read “Put your dumb cunt on a leash”, written with a big black marker. The Shire's police were busy investigating the source of the letter as they were suspicious it came from the Off-Leash Dog Puncher. The Mayor enjoyed the view of the new million dollar police station as he flew away from the Shire. As the plane rose, he could see the big parking lot downtown that he was anticipating going full YIMBY mode all over next month.

The parking lot the Mayor was looking at was the big Baker Street parking lot. Historically a graveyard, the location has plans for two 15-storey mixed-use buildings, along with potential for stacked townhouses. A total of 174 residential units is proposed for the southern-most tower, with ground floor commercial units. The Mayor had plans to celebrate the solid double-digit Tower of Saurons with his orcish friends at Windmill Developments. As the property developers for the lot, they said they're “committed to a target of 12% affordable housing units for the combined total of the private component of the project.”

But a 12% affordable rate implies an 88% Unaffordable rate, which is what the property developer orcs were really hoping for. They could go YIMBY, YIMBY, YIMBY all the way to the bank as they collect inflated rent and condo fees. All they have to do is get through the public consultation in October before they can drink the NIMBY tears of their opponents. A public meeting is set to take place during the Council of Elders' planning meeting next month, on Oct. 17th. In order to speak at the meeting, the deadline to register or provide written comments is 10 a.m. on Oct. 13th.

The Mayor's flight was almost out of the Shire as another huge crowd caught his eye. “Whoa, That's Crazy!” he said honestly, unlike when he said that last week about the Housing Cost Crisis. There was another huge crowd downtown that the Mayor didn't know about. He missed out on the news with the cancellation of the Guelph-Mercury newspaper. He opened his phone and went to Xwitter to see what was going on and luckily he found a livestream thanks to a good GuelphCitizen.

The huge crowd the Mayor saw downtown was the 1 Million March 4 Protecting the Children. With a crowd size rivalling that of Homecoming, it looked like a mass of rainbow coloured people in the centre of town. The Mayor could see a hard line through the middle of the crowd and protest signs waving overhead. The general purpose of the protest was to protect the children, particularly in and on the way to school. One group was there to express concern about sex education, a lack of parental input in the school system and the belief that Canada’s educators are indoctrinating kids. They marched down Gordon Street screaming “Leave our Kids Alone”.

The second part of the crowd was also there to protect the children on the way to school, instead of at school. They were counter-protesting to express concern over children skipping over the rainbow crosswalk at they walked to school. They insisted that rainbow crosswalks were the best for children, as they waved their protest signs and yelled with their masks on. The Fat Cats in the University's Ivory Tower could also see the protest from their viewpoint and they commented about it on Xwitter. They re-stated their commitment to protecting their students with their Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion agenda.

Back at the Council of Elders chambers, the room was empty and dark. It echoed from the loud noises of the protest going on outside, which is where the rest of the council was. They were busy in the streets acting on a local level, instead of travelling globally like the Mayor was doing. The Elder Elves, Carly of Klassen, and Erin of Caton were all downtown dealing with the chaos. Caton was focusing on protecting the children and the rainbow crosswalk. She was concerned about the Off-Leash Dog Puncher showing up and the protest getting violent. Whereas the Elder Elves and Carly of Klassen attempted to bring a peaceful resolution to the protest. They tried to talk to people calmly, and separate them into their appropriate groups based on their colour of the rainbow. The Elder Elves agreed to protect the children first, instead of getting distracted by all the other topics dog-piled into the chaos.

Meanwhile, the Mayor's flight arrived in New York City and he took his limousine to the hotel. He checked in, and the hotel staff reminded him that he had a gift waiting for him in his room from the conference. The Mayor said “YIMBY, YIMBY”, as he took the elevator to his room. He opened the door and he saw the surprise. It was a custom drinking cup for his favourite thing; drinking NIMBY tears. The Mayor felt at home as he unpacked his bag and order room service.

Can Carly of Klassen and the Elder Elves do anything about the Housing Cost Crisis and did the protest complete its goal? Stay tuned here to see...

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Mayor's NIMBY Tears Gift
https://twitter.com/CamGuthrie/status/1705293510142832680

Baker St. Building Proposal
https://www.guelphtoday.com/local-news/developer-seeks-approval-for-baker-street-towers-townhouses-7574477

GuelphCitizen's Protest Footage
https://twitter.com/Guelph_Citizen/status/1705692517486727322

Protest March on Gordon St.
https://www.reddit.com/r/Guelph/comments/16nnfy5/leave_our_kids_alone_posse_marching_down_gordon/

Mayor's Climate Action Trip to NYC
https://twitter.com/CamGuthrie/status/1704106320670908579

HomeComing
https://caughtinguelph.com/university-of-guelph-homecoming-this-saturday-september-23rd/

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