8 months ago

Follow along as RANKED reviews a new movie release every week of 2023, slowly compiling the best films of the year into our sacred hierarchical list.

Previous Episode 2023 RANKED List:
1. Oppenheimer
2. Beau Is Afraid
3. Infinity Pool
4. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3
5. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem
6. Mission: Impossible — Dead Reckoning Part One
7. John Wick: Chapter 4
8. Tetris
9. Gran Turismo
10. Air
11. Creed III
12. Sound of Freedom
13. The Flash
14. Fast X
15. Asteroid City
16. Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse
17. Shazam! Fury of the Gods
18. Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves
19. M3GAN
20. missing
21. The Machine
22. Barbie
23. Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny
24. Scream VI
25. The Super Mario Bros. Movie
26. Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania
27. Renfield
28. The Equalizer 3
29. Blue Beetle
30. Evil Dead Rise
31. The Pope’s Exorcist
32. Magic Mike’s Last Dance
33. Transformers: Rise of the Beasts
34. Knock at the Cabin
35. Insidious: The Red Door
36. The Last Voyage of the Demeter
37. Plane
38. Haunted Mansion
39. Cocaine Bear
40. Knights of the Zodiac

The Nun 2 left me none too pleased. A corny opener, but I’ll never be able to make that joke again so let’s savor it.

Once again a demon entity possesses someone in order to get a thing it needs to break into the physical world, and yet at the same time it is capable of affecting the physical world for things like murder regardless of having a meat puppet do things for it because it doesn’t need the magical thing it needs to do stuff with, thereby having it both ways at all times while withholding some basic limitation by which to hang a conducive or interesting plot.

So once again we get a cookie-cutter, snooze-inducing story with minimal character development pocked by jump-scare set-pieces that admittedly are sometimes fresh but obnoxious all the same because they’re still fucking jump-scares. Mostly they lead to more laughter than scares, but maybe that’s a point in the movie’s favor…

So the heroes have to get a magical thing to stop the demon and then they do in banal Harry Potter fashion, bringing to mind the eternal wisdom of Peter Jackson in not relying heavily upon magic to carry the dramatic fire in Lord of the Rings, because magic in storytelling is more often than not too simplistic and meaningless and in this case lowers the dramatic majesty of Christianity to the triviality of paganistic wizardry.

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