10 months ago

Follow along as RANKED reviews a new movie release every week of 2023, slowly compiling the best films of the year into our sacred hierarchical list.

Previous Episode 2023 RANKED List:
1. Oppenheimer
2. Beau Is Afraid
3. Infinity Pool
4. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3
5. Mission: Impossible — Dead Reckoning Part One
6. John Wick: Chapter 4
7. Tetris
8. Air
9. Creed III
10. Sound of Freedom
11. The Flash
12. Fast X
13. Asteroid City
14. Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse
15. Shazam! Fury of the Gods
16. Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves
17. M3GAN
18. missing
19. The Machine
20. Barbie
21. Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny
22. Scream VI
23. The Super Mario Bros. Movie
24. Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania
25. Renfield
26. Evil Dead Rise
27. The Pope’s Exorcist
28. Magic Mike’s Last Dance
29. Transformers: Rise of the Beasts
30. Knock at the Cabin
31. Insidious: The Red Door
32. Plane
33. Cocaine Bear
34. Knights of the Zodiac

Haunted Mansion isn’t a movie. It feels more like a secret government IQ test. Anybody that doesn’t laugh gets put on a watchlist for being dangerously intellectual.

Joking aside, it’s nothing more than a payday for aging actors simply trying to fill their Disney contract movie quotas, as well as a payday for the producers who have those same high profile actors say things like “shop at CVS” and “gee I’m hungry, let’s get a whopper cooked fresh from Burger King.”

This poor excuse for a movie is a sad reminder that post-modernism is cancerous to storytelling. Everyone seems stupidly self-aware that nobody is taking this seriously. Meanwhile, you could take any single line from this movie and give it to any other character and nobody would know the difference because nobody has a distinct character while simultaneously everyone is the comic relief.

It feels no different than Cocaine Bear where the director said, “just say funny stuff and be goofy.”

There’s no story going on, nothing carrying us from beat to beat so by the end you’re begging for the afterlife.

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