Depression

You know when I look at my past and reflect on everything I’ve been through, everything I’ve done to myself and to others and then when I finally got clean and decided I was worth at least trying and giving myself a chance to get better before I give up for good. Then working through all my trauma and also trauma self inflicted I started to see that it is an uphill battle but I needed to continue and especially keep moving forwards while life deals me the karma/the consequences which have now at that moment in time was barring down on me and was ready for me to pay for the damages I had caused over the years. I could almost feel it coming. So I knew if I just kept close to my circle, kept moving forward every day even if it’s just an inch, work on the reason behind the way I had chosen to act, why I chose to slowly kill myself with as many drugs as I could find and put them into my body and especially what exactly I was so afraid to see in myself that I would rather spend my time incoherent, dirty, smelly, losing so much weight that a dr. Told me I looked like a walking corpse and still thought this was where I was finally happy.
Well over 10 years later and I’m sober but I’m still constantly dealing with just bad news after more bad news to where I am now screaming out of frustration and utter hopelessness because the karma payback has not stopped, slowed down and/or gone away for close to 20 years now. When is it going to stop. This is now to the point where I’m trying to remember what the absolute worst things I have done during that time and nothing comes to mind which justifies the hell I have been living in for the past 8 years of my life.

So now I look at my old videos of my sons when they were little to remind myself how lucky I am and how much I love these guys and they love me. The only one who thinks their life is being held back and that my family doesn’t deserve to keep going through this with me is me. My children love the life they have and they love me. But these over 280 videos always do the trick and get me back on track.