god's harsh but FAIR, disgusting sins of mine and my good faith repentance

oh forgot to mention, I've been celibate for a period of 16 years, met my ex, then have been celibate for 6 years, all of it was self imposed (maybe I couldn't get a gf anyways but I specifically haven't tried over moral considerations, I just happened to forget about why I was doing it when I met my ex after the first round of celibacy)
tldr the only way I knew to appease god and prove my faithfulness to his justice was to offer blood sacrifices of myself and try to stab my heart or get shot, or try to castrate myself, or bludgeon my head with a car, or cut my wrist
I deserved it, full story in video, but anyways I think god forgives me after all I've done to repent
keep in mind my 16 years of celibacy was self imposed BEFORE I believed in god, so I wasn't totally evil beforehand either