20230221 The Joyous, Depressing Contradiction of Being a Good Father

Back in November I realized I hadn’t published a video in months.

I was caught in a depression loop, caused by the arrival of Labour Day, and the disappearance of my boys into their schools, peer groups, activities, etc.

I love being a father, there is no joy in this world greater than my kids. I spend my time with them, preparing them to leave me and if I do it right, leaving me will be easy for them, and hell for me.

That is the great contradiction of fatherhood.

Contemplating this put me into that depression loop. I lost my sleep, for 3 months I averaged 90 minutes less sleep PER NIGHT. I lost my appetite, I lost my will to do…anything and the worse it got, the worse it kept getting.

The positive reinforcement loop of the negative spiral got so bad I was reduced to the fundamentals; do my job, exercise, be a good daddy.

I held the line there for weeks before things started to turn.

And turn they did, in some measure because I held that line.