BPD Relationship Need & Fear Cycle

BPD Relationship Need & Fear Cycle video.

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You know when you’re in a relationship and you want that person close, but then fear gets in the way and you push them away? This is called the push-pull relationships pattern and we’re going to discuss it in this video, pick it apart, and then I’m going to tell you the five things you can do to fix it.

The push-pull relationship pattern is a common one seen in many individuals, those with BPD and BPD traits included. This plays out in all sorts of relationships, not just romantic ones, but we most often conceptualize it as a romantic destructive pattern.

Fear rises as flaws and other issues begin to show, as others cannot fit the image you have in your mind about this person which activates fear of abandonment, isolation, loneliness, and emptiness.

This prompts you to act in maladaptive ways to “test” relationships. It like holding the idea that “if I try to blow it up and it doesn’t all burn down it must be good”. However, anything that doesn’t get burned down gets retested until it engulfed in flames. It’s a lose-lose situation.

The dissolution of the relationship seems to prove the fear of abandonment, isolation, loneliness, and emptiness as valid and this empowers your BPD and internalized ideas of how relationships are supposed to be. Perhaps this is an old pattern you’re playing out, perhaps it fits with how you see your worth. Either way, it plays into your negative core content.

Now that that person is gone, you pursue them. They’ve been push away, but here comes the pull part. You promise it’ll never happen again. You can’t live without them. This is part of the push-pull pattern. You want them close, now that they’re distant. They takes steps closer to you, perhaps the relationships starts to repair, but this reignites the fears and tests resume, and this plays out over and over.

This is a painful experience for anyone and the truth is hard one to hear, but we’re going to talk in truths. It’s not in your partner, it’s in your core content, your conceptualization of relationships, and your fears.

First, recognize the pattern is inside you, not in your partner.
Second, identify those fears – write them down.
Third, write out what you genuinely feel you deserve in relationships.
Fourth, challenge those negative views and beliefs.
Fifth, embrace the idea that you deserve a good and stable relationship.

You don’t have to follow the push-pull pattern. You can embrace the intimate connected pattern.

Daniel J. Fox, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in Texas, international speaker, and a multi-award winning author. He has been specializing in the treatment and assessment of individuals with personality disorders for over 15 years in the state and federal prison system, universities, and in private practice. His specialty areas include personality disorders, ethics, burnout prevention, and emotional intelligence.

He has published several articles in these areas and is the author of:

Antisocial, Narcissistic, and Borderline Personality Disorders: A New Conceptualization of Development, Reinforcement, Expression, and Treatment. Available at: https://tinyurl.com/2anv8dww

The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook: An Integrative Program to Understand and Manage Your BPD. Available at: https://goo.gl/LQEgy1

Antisocial, Borderline, Narcissistic and Histrionic Workbook: Treatment Strategies for Cluster B Personality Disorders (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Gold Award Winner): https://goo.gl/BLRkFy

Narcissistic Personality Disorder Toolbox: 55 Practical Treatment Techniques for Clients, Their Parents & Their Children (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Silver Award Winner):: https://goo.gl/sZYhym

The Clinician’s Guide to Diagnosis and Treatment of Personality Disorders: https://goo.gl/ZAVe9v

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Videos edited by Emil Christopher: emilchristopheredits@gmail.com

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