Prime Minister Anthony Albanese Update 2023 (With Deputy PM Adam Bandt!)

Hi everyone! This is your favourite Prime Minister, Anthony Albanese, with your favourite Deputy Prime Minister, Adam Bandt. “Hi guys!”.

Political Books: https://ebay.us/NQhuWz

It’s been one year since you’ve voted me into office, so today, because it’s IDAHOBIT Day (that’s a real thing, look it up!), we’re going to reflect on all the great programs we’ve introduced over the last financial year.

First of all, I’m proud to have introduced free gender reassignment surgery to all Australian children under 12. Science has shown us that the best time to transition is before puberty, isn’t that right Adam? “Sure is!”. Also, for all Australians who identify as a gender other than their birth gender, they get free dental! It turns out that over 73% of Australians now identify as a different gender. See, that’s all it took! A targeted Labor policy that helped so many Australians come out and feel comfortable in their real gender. Also, we’ve introduced free abor***ns for all pregnant men. I have to thank the Greens for that one. “You’re welcome!”.

So how did we pay for all these great programs? Well, we introduced the very popular, “F*** You Fossil Fuels Tax”. Basically, any company or person who chooses to use dirty fossil fuels will pay a 750% tax for the privilege. So, for example, in early 2022, dirty coal-fired electricity cost about 20 cents per kilowatt-hour. Thanks to our brand new tax, that now costs $1.70. That will really teach those people who refuse to switch over to wind power a lesson! Another example, in early 2022, dirty unleaded petrol cost on average $1.87 per litre. Now it costs $15.90! Take that you planet-hating bastards! See, the only real way to protect mother Earth is to tax the s**t out of people. Isn’t that right, Adam? “Sure is, Anthony!”. Yeah, too right!

Also, we’ve addressed the gender wage gap by implementing an 86% upper income tax bracket on all male billionaires. Also, we’ve removed all income tax for females! Thanks to these brilliant Labor reforms, 93% of adult Australians now identify as female! Isn’t that wonderful, Adam? “Sure is, Anthony!”. Now that we finally have these equitable policies in place, more and more Australians are coming out of the closet and feeling comfortable in their own skin. It’s truly amazing!

And let’s not forget the obesity epidemic. What did we do to get rid of obesity? Tax the s**t out of people, or course! We introduced Labor’s own Sugar and Fast Food Tax, which is a 1,700% tax on all unhealthy sugary and takeaway foods. So, for example, in early 2022, a 1.25L bottle of coke cost about $2.20. Now it costs $39.60, which reflects the true health cost on society. A happy meal that once cost $4.95, now costs $89.10. So, yeah, you can still have a happy meal now and again, but certainly now it’s only a “sometimes” food. Don’t forget that, of course, a can of lentil soup that once used to cost $1.10 is now tax free, and will only cost you 99 cents!

Also, we can’t forget about our greatest achievement to date, our “One-Million Refugees” program, where we aim to bring in at least one million refugees or asylum seekers every year over the next 10 years. Over the last financial year, it’s been a roaring success! In 2022, we had a population of about 26 million. Now we have a population of over 32 million. That’s an extra 6 million people in under 12 months! Truly amazing! Now that we’ve got so many people, our unemployment rate has finally stabilised at 33.5%.

Anyway, that’s the conclusion of our presentation today. Thank you Adam for helping us design all theses great plociies. “You’re welcome, Anthony!”. So thanks to Labour (and The Greens), we can now rest easy that we can all safely choose our own gender, get free dental care for the privilege, get a free abor***n if we’re a pregnant man, tax the s**t of people who choose to destroy the planet by using fossil fuels, and make everybody healthy by taxing unhealthy food and force people to eat lentils. Thanks everybody! See you next year for some more wonderful Labor programs! “Bye-bye!”

MUSIC
Melancholia by Godmode

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