PLEASE Don’t Make My MISTAKES! Live & LOVE Your LIFE!

After WASTING an ENTIRE DECADE OF LIFE; I finally woke up! I hid in the “safety” of my then-home, seeing no one, staring at the television set, wiling away as many hours of the day as possible while fading in and out of my only state of reprieve from pain, both physical and emotional—SLEEP. I would sleep 18h days, lie awake all night, staring at the talking box, allowing “Law and Order”, “Charmed”, reruns of “Cops” and other mindless television *programming* to steal my life away from me, while I encouraged it to take even more.

I would not move often, outside of short trips to the kitchen to eat something high calorie & highly palatable, giving me a brief tiny Dopamine hits I so craved..,. I would sit outside, read, and smoke cigarette after cigarette…Inhaling the toxic smoke, allowing a sense of false “comfort” to wash over my addicted receptors. Yes, it was barely a life. And it went on and on and on.

I was a Registered Nurse, 30 years old, and working three 12h night shifts every week. I had no friends, no hobbies, no interests and my favorite way to spend time outside of sleeping and smoking, was to ruminate on which catastrophic financial event was about to steal the tiny amount of freedom and independence I now had from me.

Outside of time spend at work, I made sure to have almost no person to person contact, aside from tense interactions my new husband, during the bits of time we had with his boys every other week…These boys were truly precious angels from Heaven, only I was far too dumb and far too broken to understand that my utter lack of instincts when it came to parenting would be the ultimate downfall of my little burgeoning family. This was a family I hadn’t even known I wanted, and wouldn’t recognize what a massive blessing this was until it was simply too late to fix some of the problems.

I was known for telling the occasional hospitalized nursing home resident that they “had it made!”…As I saw things, the fact that once you were elderly or disabled enough to necessitate becoming a resident of a nursing home, the State cares for you. This seemed like “heaven on earth” to my skewed, damaged, depressed and depraved, Godless, reprobate mind!💀
At the nursing home, you were kept 1) “Safe”, 2) “Cared For”, 3) “Fed”, and 4) “medicated”. You could lay in bed all damn day if you so desired, and someone ELSE was responsible for physically paying your bills, caring for any of your remaining “responsibilities”. Worries, for those in this stage of life, were, relatively speaking, quite few. You simply lay there and wait—probably for death but as an unsaved sinner of immense proportions, I cannot imagine what I could have been thinking to be JOYFULLY AWAITING my enterance into an eternity of separation from Joy, Light, Peace, Comfort, and Love—essentially, all eternity far from Christ. Sharing my experience in this place which was not created for human beings rather, for fallen angels! To be THERE, amongst the others, weeping and gnashing teeth, FOR EVER. I cannot imagine if my wishes had been granted. IF ONLY for THIS ALONE I PRAISE JESUS for SAVING ME FROM THIS!!!! Jesus, of COURSe, and also, my husband. Who never stopped believing in me and praying for me, despite my being a terrible, tragic version of a wife. Having come from an abusive and cruel ex-wife, a woman for whom meannes was the beginning, and the end knew no bounds in terms of her tricks, I recognize that at least, with me, he had a soft place to fall, and a woman who demanded almost nothing from him. Alas that is all for another story!

Since I intend to DEEP DIVE into this topic via creative VLOG one day very soon, I will leave “this” brief explanation here for now. I invite you to watch this video, and to take a look into my PRESENT DAY LIFE. This is how it has been for about the past DECADE, most of my 40’s have been the light to the darkness of my 30’s spent in the above “STATE”. It is different in every possible way from that terrible past. As you will come to see-Jesus Saved Me! After watching the video, I would love to be able to hear your thoughts on anything you would like to share. I pray you will enjoy the video, and my stories. Most importantly, however, I PRAY you will learn something from my mistakes and tragic lack of discernement and awarenesses. I cannot get one single moment back…however, IF I CAN HELP ONE PERSON to stay farrrr away from that which I made the choice to live in, and to instead embrace the gift of life WE ALL have been GIVEN--REGARDLESS of our perceived hardships, handicaps, shortcomings and tragedies, well, then it was worth it in the end!

God Bless you, and WELCOME to my life! I pray we can find some community and common ground together! ✌🏻♥️😊 *Teah*