My journey and remembering of CSA #11: TUESDAY Force feeding & making sense & coming to terms

Original date of recording: 14th July 2020Show more

This day.. Tuesday involved a lot of integration and trying to make sense of things, all the while freshly feeling the grief of the girls murder, and the strangeness and certainty of feeling her here again with me in spirit, helping me.

Also a LOT of data and memories coming back to me, with there barest things in the world around me being enough to nudge some new nugget of information to come pouring out.... I felt very much as if I was IN the great river fully, and signs and showing were everywhere and coming thick and fast.

In some ways the footage may be less interesting to you as a viewer... less sharp or engaging, but it is a part of my story and I'll share it as part of my testimony of what was once done to me.

There is one segment of footage that is mostly 'body memories' being replayed. So if you're attention span is limited, you'll probably get the most bang for your buck by watching that segment, time stamps below.

Times stamps:
00:10 Intro
14:07 Integration, jaw tension, talking
38:09 Body memories - force feeding & narrating
01:05:01 Talking, integration, 'your fault'
01:08:06 Talking, the terrace 1
01:35:27 Talking, the terrace 2
01:46:59 Zombie walk
01:47:25 closing notes and observations

WARNING: In this video I use footage of my body memories in which I was reliving being raped as a child, also I started having recollections of a girl who was murdered alongside me, some may find the content triggering or upsetting, proceed accordingly.

CAUTION: I am NOT a health professional, and before undertaking any therapy of any description please consult with a therapist AND do LOTS of your own research (inside AND outside of societally prescribed boxes), some resources are provided below.

RESOURCES:
* MAPS.org (website for Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies, they also have a podcast)
* www.reddit.com/r/mdmatherapy/ (an excellent subreddit in which you can get any question answered surrounding MDMA assisted therapy)
* Book: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel van der Kolk
* Book: "Waking the tiger" by Peter Levine
* Book: "Healing Trauma" by Peter Levine
* Book: "The language of emotions" by Karla MacKlaren
* Book: "When the body says no" by Gabor Mate
* Book: "The body remembers" by Babette Rothschild
* Book: "Ancestral medicine" by Daniel Foor
* https://thedirtiestsecret.blogspot.com/2008/08/pedophiles-know-dissociationdo-you.html (a horrifying aspect of CSA which we ALL need to be informed about)
* https://csasurvivors.home.blog/2020/01/10/the-false-memory-myth-memory-repression/ (excellent blog covering most aspects of CSA)
* https://larrysanger.org/2019/12/why-pedophilia-is-evil/

Narcissism resources:
* https://thedawnrehab.com/blog/the-damage-caused-by-covert-incest/
* https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/emotional-incest
* https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BWUDLnMfH7Y (mind games and tactics of female narc)
* https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rzD-GZBTQVI (narcissistic pseudo spirituality)
* https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JpceWp2-56c
* https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nqr7B6nhilg (how to break the spiritual bond with a narc)

To Love
To Protect
To Lead by example
To seek truth, no matter how terrible
To do the right thing, no matter the cost

The oldest of our Sacred Laws: The blood of the innocent shall NOT be defiled.

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