Breaking News: Tragedy hits France as Former Portugal Winger Luís Nani, dies at the age of 29

Former Winger for Valencia and the nation of Portugal, Nani, dies today at the age of 29. Nani, who had been involved in most games leading up to the final, fell into quicksand during the final of the UEFA European Championship. Players of Portugal are mourning the loss of Nani tonight in what should be a celebration. Players from Portugal are mourning the loss of Nani tonight rather than celebrating, except Ronaldo, who said, "I don't give a shit." Our thoughts and prayers go out to the family of Nani. Locals of Paris say this kind of stuff happens all of the time. Gregory Dordouff, local resident of Paris, said "I do not know why your surprised. Soil is weak.. Wee wee.. So so weak in Paris sometimes due to all the moths and stuff... Making holes in ground. No surprise that the stadium had wee wee big holes too.."

Disclaimer: it's a parody