For What the Water Boils

This sketch was inspired from reading the novel “For Whom the Bell Tolls” (1940) by Earnest Hemingway. Hemingway’s title of course comes from the John Donne poem of the same name. Now, based on this skit, we know where he got the title. We here at CoBaD should have known that an author who wrote a book with dreadful dialogue like “A Farewell to Arms” whose plot was lifted almost verbatim from one of his earlier books (“The Sun Also Rises”) would eventually resort to swiping other people’s material as well.

Caption: “The Honourable Society of Lincoln's
Inn” is not actually a hotel. It is a professional association for barristers who serve in England and Wales. John Donne was admitted to Lincoln's Inn on May 6, 1592 (and incidentally, he was admitted through the front door; he didn't have to ring the bell and be let in through the loading dock like the kitchen staff). John Donne would later return to Lincoln's Inn and serve as its Preacher, serving in that office from 1616-1622.

Ernie: “So why art thou watching it?” - Archaic English pronouns are prominently featured in Hemingway’s “From Whom the Bell Tolls.” When the characters are in thought, though, these archaic pronouns mysteriously disappear.

Ernie: “Right, I’m so Donne with thou, Johnny. Knock off the chicken-crut.” “Chicken-crut” is a word used several times by Robert Jordan, the main character in the novel. By the way, Robert, people from Scotland are called Scots. They are not called Scotch. Scotch is a drink. And the men wear kilts, not skirts, you stupid sack of chicken-crut (see Chapter 16).

Ernie: “And when thou art finished, I need thee to go out and take some Holy Orders from the preacher, then hop on over to room number 12 and give His Surliness Pope Clement VIII his turkey and his coffee. Man, I’m really getting fed up with his papal bull.”

Room number 12 was Mr. and Mrs. Hamilton’s room. Mr. Hamilton was the surly American in the “Fawlty Towers” episode “Waldorf Salad.”

“Turkey”: refers to Pope Clement VIII’s role in “The Long Turkish War” (1593-1606) and in organizing “The Holy League of 1594,” an alliance of nations intended to drive the Ottoman Empire out of Europe.

“Coffee”: Allegedly Pope Clement VII was the first pope to drink coffee. Legend says that some of Pope Clement VIII’s advisors were calling coffee the “bitter invention of Satan.” They insisted that the Pope forbid Christians from consuming the drink. Before making a decision on whether to forbid it, however, Pope Clement VIII decided to taste it. After a few sips, the Pope blessed the coffee, declaring, “This Satan’s drink is so delicious that it would be a pity to let the infidels have exclusive use of it.”

“Papal bull”: A public decree issued by the Pope. It is named after the leaden seal (bulla) that was traditionally attached to the end in order to ensure its authenticity. Pope Clement VIII issued at least four papal bulls during his reign (1592-1605), most of which were anti-Semitic in nature.

Ernie: “Um…do you mind if I borrow what thou just said, about thee tea and all? My rabbit and I are hosting a private Fascist Party of ten from the 1936 Spanish Civil War at my house tonight...”
Johnny: “Sorry, Ernie, did you say your rabbit?”
Ernie: “Yes, that’s right, my rabbit, Maria.”

“Rabbit” was Robert Jordan’s pet nickname for his girlfriend, Maria.

Johnny: “Ready, Ernie?”
Ernie: “Yeah. Thou shalt get the tea, I’ll get the milk.”
Johnny: “Are you sh**ting me?”
Ernie: “Oh, I assureth thee, I sh**teth thou not…”
Johnny: “No, no, no. You get the tea, I’ll get the milk. You like to obscenity in the milk, and The Royal Bencher is obscenity intolerant.”
Ernie: “Alright, alright…”

Hemingway likes “obscene” milk; this phrase pops up several times in the novel (e.g., “I obscenity in the milk of all,” “Go and obscenity in the milk of thy cowardice,” “I obscenity on the milk of science, “or my personal favorite from Andres from Chapter 36, “I obscenity in the midst of the holy mysteries that I am alone.”). It’s hard to take these sentences seriously. In this case, we here at CoBaD think all Hemingway would have had to do was substitute the word “spit” for “obscenity” and it would look less silly. Even using “muck/mucking/mucked” (like Ernie did, 21 times, in Chapter 35 alone) would be better than “obscenity.” What’s even more silly is that while Ernie doesn’t use English swear words, he doesn’t hesitate to use Spanish swear words (e.g. Chapters 16, 24, 38 and 43) or French swear words (Chapter 42). Still, Ernie’s best swearing is unintentional. In Chapter 42, when Andre Marty is reflecting on his nemesis Golz, Marty thinks to himself. “[Golz] favors Putz. Remember that.”

I suppose in the previous line, for the sake of consistency, Ernie should have said “obsenityest” instead of “sh**test,” but we liked the sound of “sh**test” better.

References:
CatholicCoffee.com. Coffee and Pope Clement VIII: The Pope Who “Baptized” the Devil’s Drink. https://www.catholiccoffee.com/coffee-and-pope-clement-viii-devils-drink/

Hemingway, E. (1968). For Whom the Bell Tolls. Simon and Schuster. First published in 1940.

Wikipedia. Lincoln’s Inn. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lincoln%27s_Inn

Wikipedia. Long Turkish War. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Long_Turkish_War