Funniest Uber Driver Ever (The Unknown Comic)

Funniest Uber Driver Ever. Select from the ride menu
Ride Menu
Choose one or more types of rides you would like today.
(You must be 18 years of age or older and over 4’2” tall.)
The Stand-Up Ride John: The Uber Driver
I tell you about things I learned in prison and poor life choices I have made. Don’t put a tattoo of your girlfriend on your butt. It rarely works out well. Note: This is a joke! I have neither been to jail nor do I have a tattoo on my butt, but thank you for thinking I look like the type. You would probably open the door for a knock-knock joke.

The Political Ride
We disclose to each other who we voted for in the last election then we scream and call each other names and we try to shove our masks up each other’s butt. Then, we never talk to one another again.

The Safe Ride
No longer available.

The Creepy Ride
I don’t say anything. I just leer at you periodically in the review mirror and lick my lips in an unpleasant, malicious or lascivious manner.

The Therapy Ride
Tell me about all your problems and I will pretend to care.

The Sympathy Ride
I tell you about my problems and you pretend to care.
The Silent Ride

The Sado-Masochistic Ride
I insult you and your relatives (particularly your mother’s choice of footwear) and be as rude as I possibly can to you the whole trip. WARNING: This ride begins by me throwing you out of the car and making you run to catch up.

The Chill Out Ride
I put on beautiful, quiet, classical music and you arrive at your destination relaxed, refreshed and less likely to complain about the TSA strip search.

The Personal Choice Music Ride
You chose the music and you can sing along with the dirty, filthy, misogynistic lyrics of your choice, without fear I will tell your mother to wash your mouth out with soap.

The Gluttony Ride
I recommend the best restaurants in town and warn you to stay away from the other over-hyped ones. (I will join you upon request.) You pay!

The Jeopardy Ride
I tell you fun facts and trivia about Nashville which will help you win game shows and amaze your friends. Hint: Ask me about “hookers”.