Vault Classics | This is Why They Hate Trump | The Al Smith 2016 Dinner

Some Trump Jokes:

“You know, Obama told me to stop whining, but I really have to say the media is more biased this year than ever before. You want the proof? Michelle Obama gives a speech and everyone loves it. It’s fantastic. They think she’s absolutely great. My wife, Melania, gives the exact same speech and people get on her case! And I don’t get it. I don’t know why.”

“I do recognize that I come into this event with a little bit of an advantage. I know that so many of you in the archdiocese already have a place in your heart for a guy that started out as a carpenter working for his father. I was a carpenter working for my father.”

“We have proven that we can actually be civil toward each other. In fact, before taking the dais, Hillary accidentally bumped into me, and she very civilly said, ‘Pardon me.’ And I very politely replied, ‘Let me talk to you about that after I get into office.’ Just kidding.”

“I’m actually a modest person. Very modest. It’s true. In fact, many people tell me that modesty is perhaps my best quality, even better than my temperament.”

“You know, Cardinal Dolan and I have some things in common. For instance, we both run impressive properties on Fifth Avenue. Of course his is much more impressive than mine. That’s because I built mine with my own beautifully formed hands.”

Trump’s worst jokes

“I’d like to address an important religious matter, the issue of going to confession. Or as Hillary calls it, the Fourth of July weekend with FBI Director Comey.”

“Now, I’m told Hillary went to confession before tonight’s event, but the priest was having a hard time, when he asked about her sins, and she said she couldn’t remember 39 times.”

“Hillary is so corrupt, she got kicked off the Watergate Commission. How corrupt do you have to be to get kicked off the Watergate Commission? Pretty corrupt. Hillary is and has been in politics since the ’70s. What’s her pitch? The economy is busted. The government’s corrupt. Washington is failing. ‘Vote for me. I’ve been working on these problems for 30 years. I can fix it,’ she says.”