orkambi log 2020.05.03.0304

i stay up until 3 in the morning because silence, darkness, and isolation are unnerving to me. even in these moments when i'm typing on my laptop, i'm physically uncomfortable here by myself, which also explains why i've never made an effort to move out. this also explains the times when i go to my dads bedroom to sleep with him, because at least some company is a comfort. on more than one occasion i've asked myself what the worst thing that could happen would be, and of course i knew that there really wasn't an answer. in response, i've then asked myself what the worst thing i could imagine was, regardless of how realistic it was, and i know that it is a very bad question because i've come up with a few good answers. i've imagined things that i don't even want to say out loud. and i've done this to myself several times now. the best thing i can figure to do in these moments that i've created is to try my best to think through these fears i've been summoning. i don't know how well i've been doing on that front, though. as i've said, i can come up with a few good answers, and they're difficult to think through. i think i'm going to head over there right after this, i keep hearing something and it makes me very uncomfortable.