July 6, 2022

...
went to back room to let M know that I couldn't sleep, she says to watch a DVD, I go back to my room, next thing I know she's on the way to the den and wants me to come (catches me with phone, asks me what she came in the den for, I wanted to say 'I don't know, you came and called me, I didn't ask you- there have been times when you didn't come to the den, why did you come now?' but I say (M upset that I was on phone and not looking at TV, says I could have done that in my room too, if I didn't have DVD player in my room I could come to den to watch TV, didn't have to wake her up and DON'T come to wake her up ANYMORE
(when she's in a bad mood from pain or lack of sleep she gets to say things that hurt me so much I'm scared to bring them up until weeks later, by which time she 'doesn't remember' and I still end up having to apologize; if I slip up and say something rude I have to apologize right away and still have consequences after)

(and she sarcastically wonders why I usually ask if it's OK that I let her know I couldn't sleep- this time she straight up said it wasn't, but not even before making me scared she'd force me to stay up just because I woke her up, which she has done before (I feel like I've been cut off but can't cut her off, like i xant talk to her but not talking to her is wrong? - is or isn't that a "2-way street"?? or a dead end??
I feel like what I did wrong was (get caught with) the phone, but I also think she only came to the den w/o me asking to say not to come wake her up again and seeing me on the phone was just an excuse to get even more angry about it (I said I just realized it was in my pocket and didn't want it to end up lost, she paid no mind (I only go to let her know I didn't sleep because if I don't she assumes I must have slept so well (and I didn't) I'm afraid to ask what I did wrong and/or try to apologize or make things right (there is no doing such when M in a bad mood, which she has the right to be because she did all the work of raising me AND because of her health now)

(M actually got to move out and could call her mom (my grandmother) any time day or night to talk about anything- her relationship with her mom was PERFECT because grandma was a PERFECT parent and M was a PERFECT kid, and ours not being is entirely on me because I'm just NOT - I wish I could move out and "get a life" JUST to cut her (and her son and her husband) out of it for real and they had BETTER NOT sarcastically wonder why 💔
now I'm crying and can't sleep, what relationship we had is broken because of me and if I bring this up she'll just rub it in and say "are you NUTS? STOP BEING NUTS!!"