June 25, 2021

J lists off rooms that need roach killing sprays and COMPLETELY, DELIBERATELY LEAVES OUT MY ROOM even though it's part of the house

(probably as "subtle" (as in 'can't really claim it is unless you WANT worse and for it all to be your own fault') retaliation for (admittedly loudly) letting M know I need noise cancelling headphones as well when J & M were going at it about M getting hearing aids vs J getting noise cancelling headphones (even though he has done basically the same ANY TIME HE HEARS ME ASKING M FOR ANYTHING but DELIBERATELY LOUDER and either claiming he "Actually" needs the thing MORE than I do (as opposed to just needing it "too/as well") or that the thing should not even exist because it's technically 'for women', or both because "mEn nEeD (it) tOo" (which may be true in some cases but he makes sure that say it in the most spiteful, mocking way possible that I would suspect (the men that need the things in question) would feel insulted as opposed to included if they heard him)
(as of recording this, my non-noise cancelling headphones only put sound through 1 ear, so I'll probably have to buy myself new for my birthday that's 4 months away with money I still won't have (given any choice I would not plan to be here then, restrictions are lifted so D is going to his school reunion, leaving us to do nothing but be cruel to each other and call it 'celebrating' my 'bEiNg pArT oF ThIs fAmiLy' while we wait for him to come back AS IF he makes things any "not worse" and 'celebrate' HIS way while he asks us we don't go with him (being with nothing but each other or being with him and his people who don't like us are the only options)

I know none of this is "that bad"/"bad enough" to count as a reason to be "sad"/'depressed', much less want to "be elsewhere" (there is ultimately nowhere)
I'm probably just reading way too much into everything except what I should/need to "read into" at all
I guess when you know that even if you could get out (you never will be able to) you'd just end up somewhere worse it forces you to convince yourself that this is as good as anything gets for you (I say 'forces' but there really is no evidence otherwise)

it's almost like (being told your feelings aren't as valid as anyone else's and that you just don't appreciate what you have and therefore you're going to end up makingeverything "really bad" for yourself) doesn't actually help one "get un-sad"