The DC Chapter of the Mickey Mouse Club

The theme song for the Three Stooges collides with the Tubes' "White Punks On Dope" for today's Segue City Special as well as a commentary on DC on the bureaucratic nonsense going on there. If you want to grow up to be a bureaucrat, here are some things to keep in mind:

Never be kind, nice or polite. Politeness will undermine your position of superiority as a denizen of DC. As a person with power you don’t deserve, you have no need for being nice to peons.

Always quote policy rather than explain anything. The best NO is an arbitrary NO. Be sure to quote long policy statements and try to find some rule or regulation that, on closer assessment, doesn’t affect the current situation.

Never forget to say “NO” immediately. Don’t try to sugarcoat anything. The peon to whom you’re talking down to might mistake indirection for subtlety. Handing out bad news without billboarding it will throw the peon off with feelings of being unimportant and useless.

Remember that policy manuals, especially the ones drafted by Congressional committees, are incredible sources for bureaucratic doublespeak. Be a bureaucrat worthy of the name and memorize any number of suitable useless passages that can be slipped flawlessly into any conversation.

Never explain anything. Explanations are a sign of weakness and are for losers. Use nouns rather than verbs. Don’t use action verbs. They express a certain kind of movement and something like that is adversative to the true blue bureaucrat.

Remember the motto of a DC bureaucrat - Superiority mixed with a hidden lack of self-confidence makes a potent mixture and guarantees a job for life as long as your party is in control.

Had enough yet?

Segue City is a recurring short-form programming element. At some point it will be a part of "The Big Kahuna." That’s an Internet Radio format that’s a part of Global Entertainment Technology that was created by Dain L. Schult.

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