SplitWithRoffey

Boris warns of the importance of masks. Transcript: Greetings. One of the most important aspects of slowing the spread of coronavirus is this mask. The humble mask. Found anywhere. All good shops. The mask can be applied easily like this. (Boris puts on the mask) This is what I want to see from everyone in all circumstances whenever possible and ideally, even when impossible. (takes mask off) There have been rumours going around that wearing a mask is in some way unhealthy. Even worse than that, there have been studies floating around, proper clinical studies, from way before the emergence of Covid-19, legitimate studies, which strongly suggest harmful side effects from sustained, long-term mask wearing. I know we like to follow the science, but in regards to these conclusions, we’d like you to ignore them. Ignore the link between masks and carbon dioxide reuptake that causes a cortisol surge in your bloodstream, inhibiting your immune system. Think not about the microbial build-up on masks that aren’t properly washed and the unpleasant breathing environment it may create; and especially don’t think about the loss of recognition we all have of each other with our delicate, expressive features cooped up under this thing. Do not engage with suggestions that enforced mask wearing is a perfect indicator of compliance. Do not think that that’s why many of those far more powerful than you are caught wihtout masks, in organised private gatherings often, when they think they are not being filmed. Do not link these things. (mention Kate Burley and Gavin Newsome) But it has to be done L & D. These things are life-savers, or at least that’s what we’re sticking to. So one mask at all times (applies mask). Now, if you’ve had the vaccine, I’d like to apply 2 masks. I know this sounds counter-intuitive, but you are still able to catch Covid-19 after the vaccine, and we’ve now invested money in you. So you’ve got to be a shining example. If you’ve had the second jab; then that’s right, you guessed it - three masks. If it becomes difficult to breathe at this point, you can create a hole in the front of the masks, like so, and you can insert your government provided snorkel. You apply the snorkel, like so. And lastly if you’re ugly, and you know who you are, then can you please wear two masks, covering all of your face. We’re talking everything below a four. Four out of ten. We need the fives to help us beautiful people realise. Now, when you do this, make sure to cut to holes, like so, for your eyes to see through. You wouldn’t want to look stupid. That about wraps things up. Learn to see the masks as your friend, learn to love your mask. They aren’t going anywhere.

Support the channel: https://www.patreon.com/user?u=56069659 Sign up to the Website: https://www.splitthefacts.com/ Meghan requests the assistance of the Godfather - will he offer his help, or deliver a few home truths to the famously brittle Duchess of Sussex...? #HarryandMeghan #meghanmarkle #parody #interview #meghan #satire #thesussexes #godfather #doncorelone #marlonbrando #impressions Transcript: M: The reason I am here today, Godfather, is because, I’ve been doing some soul searching and retracing my steps from the past, and it brought me to some conclusions (Godfather expression) M: Things haven’t always gone well, I’ve been like an inexperienced Princess trapped in the dungeon of royal traditions G: Poor you. M: So I’ve made mistakes, my judgement has been off. Perhaps even some of my judgements haven’t been a pure as I demand others should have for each other G: It’s a common occurrence. M: Yeah, a little bit of anger, like a, calculated rage G: So you come to the conclusion that the effects of your bad behaviour include feeling unsettled inside. M: Yeah absolutely. I’ve got to sit in the lotus positions, drink literally 7 vegan chai lattes and eat a a whole avocado, stone and all, before I can start to feel some semblance of stability G: You are lucky to be thinking this way. I’ve met you on a few occasions now, never once did I think someone as repugnant as you would find such an insight, but it seems I was wrong M: Thank you. Yeah, I just need properly acknowledge what was going on in my soul, right?, To try and reconcile the dissonant wavelengths that I’m receiving, right, constantly G: I’m starting to lose my optimism on where this is going M: And I realised that the people who are angry at me or hurt by me or disapprove of any discourtesy they think I might have shown them, are just wrong (Godfather expression of resignation) M: Which completely invalidates the suggestion of learning from my mistakes, because I didn’t make any! G: Almost incredible, isn’t it? M: Yeah, so what I’m looking for from you is to completely airbrush my history to remove and negative publicity and, like, facts, that are damaging to my name G: You don’t know me very well, do you Miss M: Call me Meghan G: Okay Rachel, you don’t know me very well - because even if I could disinfect your past, I wouldn’t do it M: Well, what if I made it worth your while G: No, don’t speak. There’s nothing you have that I want. Nothing you can offer me. The best thing about proffting from a life with shadowy ethics is that you don’t need to be corrupted by low calibre individuals. M: (eyebrow raise)

Boris shows us how to make a simple Tyranny cakes, using only five essential ingredients. Transcript: Hello, welcome to you, we are in the kitchen today, cooking up a simple Tyranny Cake. You're going to need 225g of fear. (Adds butter) All though stone cold terror is tasty, the fear should actually be room temperature. You need to whip the fear up evenly and consistently through the whole society. When the fear starts turning the faces white with fright, it’s time to add 225g of sweet propaganda (Adds sugar); crisp, precise, addictive. Mix that propaganda deep into the fear, hear in crunch and grind like stones digesting seeds in the belly of a parakeet. Right, that’s it. When the fear and propaganda create a synergy of delicious delusion, it’s time to beat the structure out of it with four lockdowns (Eggs). Always add one lockdown at a time. See, look at the previous structure turn to putty as the lockdowns destroy any semblance of what cohesion there might have previously been. Right good. Now we’ve a heavily beaten, frightened and easily comforted society - we now need to add a new structure. 225g of coercion, I’ve gone for one here with added threat and corruption, you can just get the regular stuff if you choose, although I recommend going all out. Slowly whisk that in so nobody notices it’s happening - there you go, keep turning it over gently, see it starting to take a new shape, this is where we a few gestapo agents (adds raisins) to make sure that the new structure is being absorbed properly. When yours is done it’ll look like this. Problem is, when you give in to eating it, you’ll be eating it literally night and day - it really does take over your life.

Support the channel: https://www.patreon.com/user?u=56069659 #worldeconomicforum #WEF #Davos #Klausschwab #greatreset #translation #davos2022 Transcript: ACS: Hello, I’m Dr Arthur Covington-Smythe, I’m a world famous translator: I can translate Bulgarian into Spanish, Spanish into Swedish and Stereotypical Bond Villain into common English. Let’s take a look at Klaus Schwab KS: A way of contributing to makes this a better world, is to look at all those issues in a Holistic way: ACS: He means to combine all the issues facing the world into one convoluted and complicated concept that only he and his friends can understand KS: Political, economic social and ecological; dimensions of every issue today are intertwined ACS: Purposefully intertwined into one problem, far outside of the purview of voters, democracy, nation states and basic human freedom - KS: So here we are and you may ask why do we have 400 session - it is to deal with all the aspects of our global system ACS: What he is saying here is, that with the decimation of democracy, global systems must be stewarded by Acronymed-institutions, over a few glasses, and away from the masses, except for those who are serving us, whom will be suitably masked, of course KS: Let’s also be clear the future is not just happening; the future is built by us! ACS: (hitler salute) KS: by a powerful community as you here in the room (ACS expression) KS: We have some means to improve the states of the world, but two conditions are necessary: the first one is that we act all as stakeholders of larger communities ACS: Ah yes, what he’s saying here is that tyrannical communism is within our reach, if we were just brave enough to reach out and grasp it KS: That we serve not our only self-interests, that we serve the community; that’s what we call stakeholder responsibility ACS: Stop acting like sovereign individuals, responsible for and accountable for, your own actions and destiny, but instead serve the community in a manner dictated to you by the leaders of the community, such as the wannabe tyrants in this room, until everyone is effectively working for us KS: And second that we collaborate and this is the reason why you find many opportunities here during the meeting to engage in very action and impact-oriented initiatives to make progress related to specific issues on the global agenda ACS: He’s finished off with a fine flourish here: this most accurately translates into: totalitarianism isn’t easy; if we want this to work, we’re going to have to sing from the same songsheet and work together tirelessly to ensure, that like an anaconda and it’s victim, there is no escape from the continuous squeeze of our reptilian clutches.

Get Exclusive Patreon Episodes: https://www.patreon.com/user?u=56069659 Sign up to the Website: https://www.splitthefacts.com/ Meghan and Harry are to receive yet another award for philanthropy and humanitarianism. It will be presented to them on the 6th December at the Ripple of Hope gala. Attendees will pay up to $1m to rub shoulders with the Sussexes. The question is, however, what are they receiving the award for? #meghanmarkle #rippleofhope #award #HarryandMeghan #Harry #PrinceHarry #parody #royalinterview #satire #thesussexes #meghanparody #charity #charityaward Transcript: CJ: At the Ripple of Hope gala Meghan, some wealthy Amercians will be paying up to $1m to rub shoulders with you and Harry H: A steal at twice the price CJ: Indeed. The million dollar tag is for the pioneer bundle, where they’ll actually be sat at the top table with you M: Yeah, I’m sure a few dreams are going to come true that night. I mean, they get to see us on TV, but it’s not the same as actually being in the room us - they’ll get to see how easy going and approachable we are CJ: Yes, it only takes hundreds of thousands of dollars to make you approachable H: I’m not sitting around chin-wagging with some pauper. CJ: $500,000 will buy you an exclusive meet and greet H: Oh yeah, the moola… M: It’s a great place to network; there’s nothing I like more than discussing world events and ways we can improve the world with people who are able to contribute to the facilitation of the plans that actualise these improvements H: People who might gives us money M: (meghan nods) I see money as a glorious fuel that can power us into a better tomorrow H: Money is like petrol; glistening and flammable - I mean we talk about fossil fuels, but this really is a beautiful carbohydrate. CJ: I think you mean hydrocarbon. H: Potato potato, the bottom line is, money gets a bad wrap, whereas I personally love money, the only money I have a problem with is when it’s in someone else bank account and there’s no way we can get our grubby little mitts on it M: I wouldn’t have chosen those words but Harry has a point H: What? Again? When you’re hot your hot M: White supremacists who've made their money in the racist patriarchy of market based capitalism represent a very dangerous machine, right, and trust me, that’s a machine you don’t want filled to the brim with liquid cash CJ: Oh, does that explain why you’d prefer to take cash and gifts from dictators, communists and crony capitalists instead of those who have earned it through hard work and ingenuity? M: Exactly H: Besides, those that rig the system are guaranteed not to run out of cash. They're always the best ones to snuggle up with. CJ: Yes, but we have a question here from Leslie who tried to warn ya, from Northern California; she asks: “does this whole gala setup further establish the notion that you are money grabbing elitists that receive undeserved awards and payouts within a nexus of corruption, so long as you continue pushing sugar-coated narratives that are sure to lead the majority of us into poverty and virtual slavery?” M: Maybe, but only because conspiracy theorists like Leslie are given a platform to broadcast their pernicious nonsense H: Yeah, their perniciousopicious misinformation. She ought to be shut down. Denied speech. I personally wouldn’t even let her vote. M: Voting is very dangerous. H: So is juggling knives (just about to start)

Support the channel: https://www.patreon.com/user?u=56069659 Sign up to the Website: https://www.splitthefacts.com/ #toryleadership #PM #bar #barman #parody #satire #rishisunak #readyforrishi #liztruss #boris #borisjohnson Barman Keys gives his view on the upcoming Tory leadership election, particularly in light of a new Daily Mail poll that has Boris as the preferred choice among readers as "next Tory leader". But does the election result make a difference? Barman is unconvinced and is hitting the drink because of it! Transcript: I’ve been very critical of Boris Johnson’s decent into woke tyrant - who’s been on a left-wing bender and awoke with a politically transmitted disease Because it was either corrupt or carless and neither are acceptable But a poll conducted in the Daily Mail found Boris to be the comfortable favourite when asked who would you like to see as next Tory Leader? He’s a greasy little piglet And I’ve become more sympathetic to the notion ever since we’ve got it down to the last two in the leadership race: Rishi Sunak or Liz Truss, (drinks) A two-faced backstabbing smooth-operating salesman or flip-flopping, Remain-backing, Theresa May 2.0? (drinks) Boris seems almost benign, cancerous as he undoubtedly is, in comparison to these two puppets of the continuation, cut from the same cloth Etched onto the same metal As the rest of the Klausschwabian clique of incognito supervillains running national governments and resetting the global order Without any concern for our consent By making freedom dependent on what politicians and experts consider to be for the greater good in the next inevitable crisis Pandemics, fuels shortages, food shortages, war, climate lockdowns, they’re coming So Sunak, Truss, Starmer, just a different face to manage our decline, a choice on who’ll administrate our sellout and enslavement. Same with Boris, but he’s more popular because he has character unlike the rest of the polystyrene cups that applied to be leader Except Kemi Badendoch of course, the only unique voice in the bovine herd who lined up for I want to be the next tory leader , get me outta here! But the Tory MP’s, in their infinite wisdom, got rid of her. And so Boris is who’d they prefer, not because he might change direction, but because he he’ll entertain us more, while on the path to a suffocating expertocracy unchallenged by an uncritical and compliant media Yeah, that’s where we - because he’ll entertain us (Drinks) I’ve got work to do, so go on, clear off

Support the channel: https://www.patreon.com/user?u=56069659 Sign up to the Website: https://www.splitthefacts.com/ Harry request the assistance of the Godfather - will he offer them his help, for deliver a few home truths? Let's see. #HarryandMeghan #Harry #PrinceHarry #meghanmarkle #parody #royalinterview #meghan #satire #thesussexes #godfather #doncorelone #marlonbrando Transcript: H: I’m sure you’ve heard Godfather, I’ve got this new book coming out early next year. G: Congratulations. H: Don’t speak too soon Don Corelone, er, Godfather… you know what I’ve gone and done don’t you? G: I still can’t get over the idea of you writing a book. H: Writing is a strong word. Anyway, you know what I’ve gone a done, don’t you? G: (Expression) H: I’ve gone to town on people in the book. Really gone to town on them. Passively aggressively on the whole, but some times just full blown aggressively, it’s the only way we could get such an excellent contract. G: What do you mean, “people”? H: Oh come on, Godfather, where have you been, in a cave with your eyes closed and fingers in your ears for the last five years? G: No, Harry, I just don’t find trials and tribulations of you and your lovely wife a subject worthy of interest. H: Ooo, brutal. G: (Slight laugh expression) H: I’ve gone ard at my family, who happen to be royal. G: So, why have you come to me; what is it I can do to help you? H: I’m not sure you’re hearing me correctly Godfather; I’ve gone a said stuff that is going to cause shockwaves - I’m regretting it now G : (expression) H: (wearing shorn wig) I’m concerned that if this carries on I might start losing my hair. G: It’s what happens in your forties. H: I’m 38. G: You still haven’t answered my question - how is it that I can help you? H: Well, I’ve got an idea: I’ve been thinking this through with all of my brain power for days G: It must be full proof. H: I want you to ask your, whats the polite why of saying this, goons, G: Probably one of the least polite. H: Knuckle-head henchmen, whatever, the point is, I think it’s possible for you to get these, employees of yours, to seize every single copy, as they’re bought. G: That’s err, next-level preposterous. H: Oh, I’m glad you think so. It’ll be tough, don’t worry, but it can be done; it must be done! G: Harry - what about online copies? What about newspapers? H: Look, it’s going to be a big job, I don’t deny that. G: Harry it’s impossible and I’m going to have to ask you to stop wasting my time H: But… G: No! Don’t speak! You whinged and moaned like a girly-man ever since I’ve known you H: Racist G: If you are so greedy for money that you’ll sell your intimate history, then you need to live with the consequences. I personally see nothing honourable in publicly documenting your endless complaining. You can never escape it now H: That’s the problem. G: You had months. Months to back out of this malicious journey, but you saddled up with supplies instead. Now you want to turn back H: Yes, please Godfather, and only you can help me G: The logistics of the idea itself, Harry, is a demonstration of the limitations of your mind - but even if it was possible, your request would go unfulfilled. H: Oh, no fair! G: Welcome to reality Harry. Fairness doesn’t come into it. Why are some people born with incurable illnesses, or in poverty, whilst some are born into privilege, as princes? H: (Looks around little guiltily) G: An unsavoury mixture of greed, stupidity and festering bitterness has compelled you down this road - without one of them, perhaps you would have seen sense and resisted the urge to go scorched earth H: Well two of them are a given and I chose to be bitter G: So live with the consequences; I must return to some pressing issues of my own, Fredo is causing me some problems. H: Is he still angry he got sacked from CNN? G: Furious. I thank you coming to my house and for the beautiful flowers you presented to my wife. You’ve always been an impeccably mannered guest H: Time to face music then. Sayonara Godfather. G: Clemenza, get me some aspirin, my head hurts

Get Exclusive Patreon Episodes: https://www.patreon.com/user?u=56069659 Sign up to the Website: https://www.splitthefacts.com/ Meghan and Harry are asked why they made no public announcement of their good wishes for King Charles on his 74th Birthday. #meghanmarkle #kingcharles #birthday #HarryandMeghan #Harry #PrinceHarry #parody #royalinterview #satire #thesussexes #meghanparody Transcript: CJ: It was King Charles’ 74th Birthday this week Harry M: Yeah, happy birthday CJ: Although nowhere on social media or even on your Archewell website do you acknowledge the fact or encourage mutual celebration H: You know what it’s like when you get a bit older - its always very hard to remember everyone’s birthday. M: Yeah, it’s hard to remember everyone’s birthday - did you know that it’ll be Goldie Horn’s birthday on the 21st CJ: I didn’t, no, too late to send a card now, I suppose? H (On the phone) Truffles, some Lauret Perrier and some flowers, No Horn, Goldie Horn, Aitch, orn…. CJ: Are you claiming that it’s not a purposeful sleight against King Charles? M: No, of course not - it’s just an oversight, it happens, I mean, Mark Ruffalo’s birthdays coming up - are you going to make a big deal about it if we don’t send him a card? H: (on the phone) Hi, moonpig? Yes, it’s Harry… ohh, you’re online now are you? Anyway, Ruffalo, nor Ruffalo, R, Uffalo… CJ: Although it is easy to forget relative’s birthdays, especially ones that you don’t see too often, yet it is a bit different when your father is the King; there has been media coverage about his upcoming day of celebration M: We don’t tend to watch too much media, right, so it kinda like, slipped past our attention - I mean we do have a lot going on right now, loads of birthday’s have slipped passed without us noticing, I only found out today that Miley Cyrus’s is coming up H: (Harry) Yeah, she’s the daughter of Billy Ray, that’s it, Cyrus,.. NO Hannah Montana was years ago - she emerged from that Chrysalis years ago, with a lack of clothes. Ok, ok, and deliver the card on the back of a wrecking ball, right through the front, she’ll get it. CJ: King Charles has extended his welcome to you both for Christmas as well, do you think you’re likely to accept that invitation? H: Look, I’m not playing cludeo with Camilla, okay, because let’s be honest, we all know who did it. And I certainly won’t let Andrew on the same Twister matt as Meghan M: I’m sure it would be boring anyway. H: Oh no, it’s always a great laugh; Fergie doing the Limbo, no one else is playing, but she enjoys herself CJ: (Slight laugh) H: Bit of karaoke, “lots of allegations, allegedly, Media fabrication, allegedly” M: What, you sing your songs at Karaoke? H: No, my little Tiramasu, I sing all sorts: bit of Al Jolson: “Maami….” M: Didn’t he used to wear black face? H: That reminds me? When is Justin Trudeau’s birthday?

Support the channel: https://www.patreon.com/user?u=56069659 Sign up to the Website: https://www.splitthefacts.com/ Dr Cobalt Jackson asks questions about a recent piece in the Daily Mail showing striking similarities between her a Wallis Simpson; not only does Meghan nave similar tastes in clothing, they also share other overlapping features. Meghan's responses do, however, remind the Dr Jackson that there are differences too, whilst Harry spends his time being Harry and doing and saying Harry like things. #meghanmarkle #wallis #simpson #comparisons #HarryandMeghan #Harry #PrinceHarry #parody #royalinterview #satire #thesussexes #archetypes #podcast Transcript: CJ: Anna Pasternak, author of The American Duchess highlighted a striking number of similarities you have with Wallis Simpson, wife of Edward VIII, who abdicated the throne in order to marry. H: Wallis who? M: What, we're both American? That’s about it. What else is there? I’m was like, an actress H: Don’t be so modest Meghan, you weren’t just like an actress, you very nearly were one. M: (Shake head in amazement at stupidity) Wallis Simpson wasn't an actress, and besides, only one of us has a name that doesn’t sound ridiculous. H: Oh I wouldn't say ridiculous, Meghan might not be great, but at least I can call you Megsie - but no, I agree, Meghan is a bit of a rough deal… ooo, I’ll tell you what would have been nice - Rachel. CJ: (Small grin) Well, you’ve chosen very similar clothes to Mrs Simpson, even similar expressions in photographs; you were both American divorcees who met their royal match when he was 34, and both of you, quite miraculously, induced the same rather haunting expression on their faces. H: Oh, you’ve noticed that. This is the haunt of love, my friend. Haunted by love. CJ: Indeed. M: Yeah, and if you’re gonna be haunted, then, might as well be haunted by someone like me, someone strikingly beautiful and devastatingly sexy like me H: Ooo, yeah, I agree with Meghan, devastating. CJ: Thus bringing attention to some of your differences: Mrs Simpson was extremely humble about her plainness. M: She had much to be humble about H: (Starts laughing Like he got the joke) …never seen her. CJ: She also, unlike yourself, refrained from bad mouthing the royals after the abdication, choosing to remain quiet instead. H: Wimp. M: Harry’s got a point H: (Smiles happily) Every now and then M: She was scared of recrimination. She didn’t feel empowered to speak of the wrongs against her. It gives you an insight into the rigidness of the patriarchy in those days.. H: Urggh, awww, even when I think about it, I get nauseous, so patriarchingly patriarchilogical M: She wasn’t able to say, be damned with the consequences, I’m just going to tell my truth, loud and proud and I don’t care if some of the stories are provably false, it’s my truth.. H: Her truth… M: even if it brings down the monarchy, I’m gonna say - but she wasn’t in a climate that was tolerant of an independent woman expressing her views. H: Whereas now woman finally get the right to destroy stuff M: (Shocked anger) H: Hold on. That sounded better in my head. Let me, let me rephrase, let me give that some rephrasement - I can’t remember what I first said!

Sign up to the Website: https://www.splitthefacts.com/ A professor helps us understand the mathematical principles of the phenomena collectively known as Wokeism. #Woke #Satire #Parody #Professor #Maths #mathematics #mathslecture #lecture #algebra Transcript: Welcome, my name is Professor Wolfgang Hoppenschweinensberger, and today, we will be describing the mathematical principles of Wokiesm. Wokeism is a description of insanity prevalent in modern academia, politics, media and language generally: for instance, mathematics has already be described as white supremacist and racist, indicating extreme levels of Wokeism. Wokeism is most effectively cultivate within ze academic environment Ze most important formula to remember when asking ze mind to understand ze obnoxious precepts of wokeism is zis one. (intellectually inadequate student (x) + obscenely irrelevant academic course) (c) x (Marxist faculty (m) + crippling debt (d)) = Wokeist squared Now, interestly enough, we can do many exciting things with this formula zat will give great pleasure in understanding ze craziness around us (cuts back into chalk board) If we take (w) and apply ze square-root, we get ze primary factor of all wokiest behaviour exhibited in nature. Every zingle incidence you observe is a multiple of zis base number. But dis is not the only intriguing property of zis number, it also has direct proportional relationship with hypocrisy. Let me explain. Hypocrisy (h) as many of you vill know = privilege (p) x smugness squared (s), but how do you proportionalise wokeism and hypocrisy? Vith the addition of intolerance (i) Intolerance = wokeism divided by hypocrisy (draws a relationship triangle) Hypocrisy therefore = w/I and w = hxi (cuts back out) There are many more enjoyable mathematical connections in wokeism, but I shan’t bore you vith all of zem today. Please join me again, and to answer zose who keep emailing me to ask ver my accent is from, mainly Germany, but I’ve moved around Europe an awful lot, so zat will explain any other actions you hear. Good day.

Get all the episodes on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/user?u=56069659 Sign up to the Website: https://www.splitthefacts.com/ Meghan is asked about the resurfaced video in which she boasts about being about to cry on demand. Dr. Jackson asks whether she's employed this skill in her personal life but Harry jumps in to defend.... #meghanmarkle #meghan #meghaninterview #fake #variety #HarryandMeghan #Harry #PrinceHarry #parody #royalinterview #satire #thesussexes Transcript: CJ: A little while ago a video resurfaced Meghan where you claim to be able to cry on the spot. H: One of her many talents. M: (Smug smile) CJ: “Give me three seconds”, you reply, when asked how long it would take to squeeze some insincere brine from the corner of one of your eyes. H: Her left eye CJ: Thank you Harry; one can easily understand how you can use this ability in your career as an actress Meghan, such that it was, but the obvious question is, have you utilised this capacity in your personal life? H: See that’s the thing about Meghan, she’s got these superhuman like powers, but she won’t use them in real life, you know, on the civilian population, which is so humble, so moving that it actually brings a tear to my eye. M: Oh on, I won’t never make myself cry in day to day life, no matter how easy it is for me and how many advantages I could get from it, H: She’s a pillar of sincerity M: Yeah, you know, what you see is what you get, right. I don’t like fake people. H: Ha - they're so easy to spot! M: Crying on the spot is a gift, an important gift that shouldn’t be used recklessly, right. The last thing you want is a reputation of making a big deal out of things, or trying to get your own way by bringing on theatrical tears CJ: No, that would be unconscionable. H: My Meghan only ever cries at the appropriate and correct time. And they're real tears, not Hollywood tears CJ: I’m sure Harry H: She cries at sad movies, the suffering of others, at those beautiful moments where Archie and Lilibet do something adorable… M: Yeah, just at all the normal stuff H: …if anything happens to a poor innocent animal, when people vote Republican, or if I disagree with Meghan and try to get my own opinion across… M: Yeah, well, you know how much it hurts me to listen to someone’s else opinion when it doesn’t perfectly align with mine H: I know my little cheesecake - I’m just a hotheaded ginger sometimes, you know that CJ: Eye-opening - how do you fend off accusations that you employed this skill at the Queen’s wedding Meghan - with cameramen snapping pictures of that solitary tear winding down your left-cheek? H: Yes, but how can you prove it came from her left eye? M: What’s the implication here, that I would use the funeral of Britain's longest reigning monarch, knowing it would be viewed by literally billions of people, to showcase my fabricated emotion by the way of fake tears to the cameras? CJ: Yes H: I’ve said once already - Meghan only cries in real life when she’s genuinely upset, or in a bubbling rage, like when we were shaking hands with well-wishers and those two girls avoided you eyes, didn’t shake your hand and were laughing under their breath M: (angry) I don’t remember that. H: Course you do. Tears were flowing when we got back home that night - and not just yours!