CoBaD

This sketch was inspired by a visually-oriented troupe member of ours who has a bit of a picturesque fetish, with his first exposure to rebuses through reruns of the game show “Concentration.” This sketch was also inspired by the awful “reimagined” trend in the world of entertainment. When we here at CoBaD see the phrase “reimagined fairy tale,” what we see is just a superficial makeover of a classic tale; the hero or heroine is given a different skin color, the fairy tale has a different setting and everybody talks in slang. Not quite as superficial as, say, a “modernization” of an opera (where the libretto and music are the same and only the setting and costumes have changed) or minimalist settings (both alluded to in the “Daydream Bleacher” sketch). Nevertheless, “reimagined” just seems to us as a cheap politically correct marketing tool intended to appease demographics and make money off of them, kind of like the “Stock Market” skit, where a man takes a tired old concept (an interview show) to a network executive and scams the executive into buying it by dressing it up to appeal to her money-making tastes. In this adaptation of Sleeping Beauty, though, the changes go a bit deeper. True, there are physical changes, albeit very subtle (Sleeping Beauty’s race is not specifically identified, but we think of her as Hispanic). However, it’s really the self-centered foibles of a spoiled vainglorious diva with a “Riding off into the Sunset Happily Ever After” agenda that ultimately powers this locomotive of a fairy tale, assisted by the ever passive-digressive narrator Uncle Rebus, who, acting as conductor of this runaway train of thought, drives it over gorge-like plot holes, navigates it heroically through rabbit holes and eventually steers it stoically off the rails. Uncle Rebus, the narrator, was inspired from watching children’s story time television shows. We have noticed that the hosts of these shows tend to speak slower and enunciate every syllable and introduce a slight pause between each word, rather than when that same person talks to an adult, when they run the words together (conversation rate of speech which is between 120-150 words per minute). We understand the principle behind it; keeping kids engaged. That works great for one-on-one story telling or even telling stories to a classroom of kids. In both scenarios, there is a two way interaction. Where that theory breaks down is when story telling becomes a one way line of communication (like in a television show). Without the advantage of “reading the audience,” you are left with a narrator speaking at the same unhappy medium rate of speech the whole time, losing the kids who think you are talking too fast and boring the kids who think you’re talking too slow. Story telling shouldn’t have a “one size fits all” approach; rather, it should be individually tailored to the needs of the kids, and that can only be accomplished through interpersonal experience. “Sleepy” picture – Taken at the famous "Sleepy" sign near the top of Mount Seeply, the picture is of Felix Mendelssohn and Karl Klingemann. For more on these two folks, see “Abstain Your Enthusiasm” sketch. Still photo of Sleeping Beauty as a young girl – The Dragon Kennel Club is an obvious send up of the American Kennel Club. One of our troupe member had a mother who showed dogs to judges who wore ugly plaid sport coats. She showed them by running them round and round in circles, secretly hoping that during the competition she didn’t throw up from motion sickness or from looking at his hideously ugly sport coat for too long. She wanted her son to participate in the American Kennel Club Junior Showmanship program, but, unlike Sleeping Beauty, he was too lazy to participate. Officially known as conformations, the dogs are judged as to how closely they conform to the ideal standards of a particular breed. Our favorite award was the giggle-inducing “Best Bitch” prize (i.e., award for the best female dog). Sleeping Beauty’s “Best Supporting Bitch,” prize, however, is an award that goes exclusively to handlers, a competition that, based on hearsay, was far more competitive and far more fun. Sleeping Beauty morphing from the Evil Queen from Snow White into Lucy from “Peanuts” – A tribute to Charles Schulz’s classic comic strip. The sketches make references to all the quirks we’ve seen from the famous strip: Frieda has a hook nose (vice a bulbous nose like most of the other characters), Violet wears Mary Jane shoes, Lucy wears saddle shoes, and all the characters have parentheses surrounding her eyeballs whenever they’re surprised, worried or angry. In addition, Prince Charming gets curled up into a ball by an uppercase POW delivered by Sleeping Beauty, Prince Charming’s clothes come off like Charlie Brown’s does whenever Charlie Brown is hit by a line drive, and Prince Charming and Sir Don-DeRoad-Star (in admittedly a frame-saving exercise and in an effort to simulate animation in a still picture) showcases multiple heads to indicate that several characters are trying to gain his attention at the same time. Uncle Rebus: “Prince Charming responded to Sleeping Beauty’s request for action in two parts. First, by claiming that his performance specifications explicitly state that he is to kiss Sleeping Beauty, not Little Red Riding Hood, and second, that smooching a dragon was definitely out of scope, and that carrying out such a task would require a contract mod…” Defense contract rubbish. Inspired by the definition of the term “performance specifications” from the 1995 Performance Specification Guide: “In general, specifications communicate the user’s requirements to the manufacturer. They translate operational requirements into more technical language that tells the manufacturer: 1) what we will consider an acceptable product, and 2) how we will determine if the product is acceptable. To the extent that any specification does these two things, it is good. The problem arises when we use specifications to tell the manufacturer how to make the product.” (p.4) “A performance specification states requirements in terms of the required results and provides criteria for verifying compliance, but it does not state methods for achieving results. It defines the functional requirements for the product, the environment in which it must operate, and the interface and interchangeability requirements.” (p.6). Holy, Creeping Beauty, Batman, she’s out of scope! Caption: "How about that? Don-DeRode-Star was right! He does have four mouths to feed!" - For more on Don-DeRode-Star and his four mouths, see "The Diplopian War" sketch. Incidentally, notice that the spelling here is different from Don-DeRoad, the Chief Deafening Officer in the "Better Translate than Never" sketch. Over the centuries, the Don-DeRode family changed the spelling of its name from the 11th century "DeRode" (as in "he rode a horse") to the modern day "DeRoad" (as in "to kick the can down the road") to suit their respective times and occupations. Although we here at CoBaD suspect that the real reason is that the family does not have a Quality Assurance focal on staff. Swan Lake picture - A reference to Peter Ilyich Tchaikovsky’s “Swan Lake.” We were quite impressed with this “reimagining” of Tchaikovsky’s classic ballet. Where in the world did those dancers find pointe diving boots? And they danced so elegantly in them! Bravo! The “Danger Shallow End” sign is a reference to the great ballet dancer, Anna Pavlova. This actually alludes to her five minute ballet solo choreographed in 1905 byMikhail Fokine called “The Dying Swan.” Danced to Camille Saint-Saëns’s “Le cygne (The Swan) a movement from “The Carnival of the Animals,” she allegedly performed this solo over 4,000 times, making it (much to her delight) her signature piece. Not related to “Swan Lake,” but we just wanted to squeeze her name in here because we like her. Spirit of Sechsundsiebzig scene - For more on this sketch which Prince Charming crashed, see the “Bach’s Diversified Portfolio / Spirit of Sechsundsiebzig” sketch. Governor Bellingham: “Now I don’t know about you, Chairman Rosie, but I have a, uh, cameo appearance on this island, and, uh, in my eternal struggle of liberty against tyranny, and in concert with all the free nations of this hemisphere and my puppet masters in the CIA, must make a uh, preemptive move with my mismanaged undermanned army, haphazard air cover and botched communications and defend my lines on the beaches of Cuba!” – A reference to a speech made by John F. Kennedy’s Bay of Pigs speech on April 20, 1961. Planned by Dwight David Eisenhower (who apparently wanted to relive his glory days from the beaches of Normandy) and executed by John F. Kennedy, the Bay of Pigs stands John F. Kennedy’s finest shining turd of failure as U.S. president. Prince: “Hey! Now you guys are eating into my cameo! (turning to Reek) So, anyway, Mr. Reek, you say you wrote ‘Here Comes the Bride’ huh? Okay, I’ll take a chance and assume you can play it.” – Inspired by the surprising fact that composer don’t always perform or conduct the premiers of their pieces. We here at CoBaD think that “a captain should go down with his ship” rather than have someone else take on the rotten fruit and vegetable onslaught, but ultimately it’s the composer’s call. So in the end, we can see why a composer thinks that someone else can perform a world premiere of his piece better. Reek: “You do realize that that piece is from my opera “Lohengrin?” – We were often puzzled why the “Here Comes the Bride” piece is so popular at weddings given its context. Much in the same way we are puzzled by the popularity of “The 1812 Overture” at Fourth of July fireworks displays, as mentioned in the full “Spirit of Sechsundsiebzig” sketch. Prince: “Now look, Pete, baby…” – A reference to “The Sale of Manhattan” sketch from “Stan Freberg Presents The United States of America” (1961). Gov. Bellingham: “Now just a minute, who do you think you are? Now let me say this about that! Number one, Prince Annoying, you’re, uh, not an expert on stealing but I am. And you’re filching Stan Freberg material with, uh, with great vigah!” – Governor Bellingham is right, he is an expert on stealing. He just pilfered several lines from Vaughn Meader’s performance as JFK at Boston University in 1962. Uncle Rebus: “Once upon time there slept a dragon named Maggie.” - A passing reference to two famous Celtic reels, “Sleepy Maggie,” and “Drowsy Maggie,” thus the reason why the kingdoms are named Sleepy and Drowsy, and the dragon is named Maggie. House for sale picture – A reference to L. Frank Baum’s classic children’s book “The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.” The pictures are the work of W.W. Denslow. “Coming Soon: Dragon Top Acres, A Brave New World Holding Company” sign – For more on Brave New World Holding Company, see the “Irritable Vowel Syndrome” sketch. “Dragon Top Acres: Houses by Cookie Cutter Manufactured Homes Co.” – For more on the Cookie Cutter Manufactured Homes Company, see the “Give Mankind Enough Time” sketch. Picture of man building meditation pond – For more on this man and the woman behind her (Mrs. Detering), see the “Direct and Produce” and “Victory Garden Leave” sketches. “Houses Built by The Ring Recycle Company, Reek Wagner, Proprietor” - The sign and the names on the trucks are references to Richard Wagner’s “Ring of the Nibelungen” (aka the Ring Cycle). We here at CoBaD were quite surprised to learn that Wagner was a real estate developer. What a shame. Still, it looks like he’s got quite the racket going; selling property to individuals who proceed to build a vast estate, and then, through a web of greed and treachery, turn around and burn it to the ground. Rather clever of Wagner to get a dragon to conduct his demolition work, although unfortunately Siegfried (Wagner’s, not Tchaikovsky’s) didn’t get the memo that you’re not supposed to kill subcontractors. “This Kind of Hypocrisy” commercial – Pokes fun at the two types of podcasters on Rumble. The first type is the Chicken Little podcasters, who, upon having a nut fall upon their head, through the magic of osmosis, become nuts themselves, and scream at the top of their partisan lungs that the sky is falling. The other type is the crabby fussbudget, who freely engage in name calling and hurling insults much in the same way that the Weimar Republic in the 1920s freely printed out currency which consequently contributed to their hyperinflation, making a truckload full of their work not even worth the price of a freaking loaf of bread. These particular creators in Rumble have a continuity fluency problem. That is, they are proficient at being inconsistent. Specifically, this ad makes note of the three types of hypocrisy we here at CoBaD see on Rumble, the site where CoBaD posts its sketches. First, the picture is a spoof of the podcast “Chicks in the Office,” a podcast that gossips about celebrity engagements, weddings, etc. Not really our cup of tea, but that’s not the real issue. Where the hypocrisy comes into play is that Rumble has categories to make it easier for users to select the types of videos they want to watch. For some odd reason, the “Chicks in the Office” podcasts are posted under the “Barstool Sports” category, even though their content has absolutely nothing to do with sports. A cursory glance revealed that this isn’t the only non-sports related podcast on Barstool. We can only speculate that Barstool Sports is some sort of media and entertainment equivalent of a real estate developer that’s got an acute case of Sleeping Beauty Scope Creep. The second level of hypocrisy we see is in the aforementioned Rumble categories themselves. Two of the most popular categories are “Editor Picks,” which are primarily political in nature, where people harp and on about how the military-industrial complex (a term coined by Dwight David Eisenhower, he of Dresden Bombing and Bay of Pigs fame) and the dark state are leading us into one wretched war after another. The other popular channel is “Gaming,” where people, by playing shoot ‘em up war games, build massive armies and vast empires. It’s only when you combine the two categories into one (“Political Gaming”) you soon realize that the dark state doesn’t really hold a monopoly on hypocrisy. Incidentally, the word “socavar” (as in “Dark State: The Legend of Socavar”) is Spanish for “to undermine.” The third level of hypocrisy is in the Grumble tagline (“Grumble: Your alternative to responsible speech”). This is a passing reference to Father Rod’s chastisement of Rosie in the “Out of Context, Out of Mind” sketch (“There’s a difference between free speech and responsible speech, Rosie!”). The Rumble platform prides itself on being a strong advocate for free speech by not censoring its creators. That’s great, but we wish the creators themselves (specifically those Chicken Littles and Crabby Fussbudgets of the world) would be a bit more responsible in what they say and exercise a bit of self-censoring themselves (vice viewer-boosting self-centering). One popular Rumble creator, for instance, casually throws around the insult “kidf*ckers” whenever he comes across a press release concerning a Democrat or celebrity he hates. Sites such as Rumble claim to defend our rights to express ourselves, but if that self-expression comes in the form of flippantly hurling baseless accusations around like candy and beads at a Mardi Gras parade, then maybe self-regulation isn’t really the answer either. After all, when the booze is free, it’s a wise man who knows when he’s had enough to drink. References: Alpha History. John F. Kennedy’s Address on the Bay of Pigs (1961). https://alphahistory.com/coldwar/kennedy-address-bay-of-pigs-1961/ Barnard, D. (8 November, 2022). Average Speaking Rate and Words per Minute Virtualspeech.com. https://virtualspeech.com/blog/average-speaking-rate-words-per-minute Baum, L. Frank. (2023). The Wonderful Wizard of Oz. Illustrated First Edition. Pictures by W. W. Denslow. SeaWolf Press. First published in 1900. Office of the Assistant Secretary of Defense for Economic Security (29 June 1995). Performance Specification Guide. Defense Standardization Program, SD-15. Washington, DC. https://apps.dtic.mil/sti/pdfs/ADA297400.pdf Rebus Club. https://rebus.club/en Taylor, M. (25 August 2022). How to tell a story to kids (An Expert’s Advice). Repost of “How to Tell a (Good) Story to Kids” by Rebecca Sheir. Imaginationsoup.net. https://imaginationsoup.net/how-to-tell-a-story-kids/ Wikipedia. Anna Pavlova. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anna_Pavlova Wikipedia. The Carnival of the Animals. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Carnival_of_the_Animals Wikipedia. The Dying Swan. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Dying_Swan YouTube. Vaughn Meader (as JFK) – 1962 – Standup Comedy. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ArKIS5iSp-8 ————- Convulsions of Birth and Death (CoBaD) is a comedy sketch troupe founded in September, 2022 that posts skits on social media covering varied topics such as music, history, art, science, sports, literature and events encountered in everyday life. The title was inspired by Henry David Thoreau’s “Civil Disobedience” (1849), an essay written as a protest against the U.S. government taking his “gift” (i.e., his taxes), and wasting it in ways in which he did not approve (e.g., war and slavery). CoBaD writes sketches in the spirit of Thoreau, but instead of strictly casting its nets outwards towards governments and figures of authority, it projects its protest inwards by taking a humorous, lightheaded look at humanity and specifically those who take the greatest gift of all, life, and senselessly and stupidly waste it on greed, narcissism, self-centeredness, petty-mindedness, arrogance, opportunism, power-grabbing, quid pro quo, the status quo, ulterior motives, and the most despicable waste of all, social media.

This sketch was inspired by John Collier’s painting “A Glass of Wine with Caesar [sic] Borgia” (1893). The portrait depicts Cesare Borgia, Cesare’s sister, Lucrezia Borgia, their father, Pope Alexander VI (born Rodrigo de Borja), and an unidentified young man holding an empty glass. The painting is supposed to represent the popular notion of the treacherous nature of the Borgias; that is to say, that the young man cannot be sure that the wine he takes isn't poisoned. After conducting some research on the Borgia (or Borja) family, we here at CoBaD found that while treachery may be par for the course with Alexander VI, and to a certain extent his son, Cesare, the same cannot be said for Lucrezia. Lucrezia seemed to have been a pawn to her father’s ambitions to seal pacts with powerful families through arranged marriages. Yet despite this, the painter John Collier (1850-1934) appears to be just like Julius II and the Medici family; that is, perfectly content with painting Lucrezia with the same broad brush as Alexander VI and Cesare. But instead of gaining power from the perpetuation of a myth like Julius II and the Medici family did, Mr. Collier’s gains were merely self-centered in nature; furthering his career with the scoring of exhibitions and getting a platform to sell his slutty artwork of nude ladies posing with, beside and on top of animals. Exploiting women one way or another. Other than that, though, Mr. Collier seemed to be a rather splendid chap, except for that bit about his wife dying in 1885 and then two years later turning around and marrying his dead wife's sister. Weirdo. Vannozza: “In any case, I don’t you want you touching the tea. I’ve heard about your wild arsenic and old face parties with those weird Brewster sisters up in Brooklyn.” – A reference to the classic 1944 movie, “Arsenic and Old Lace,” based on the Joseph Kesselring 1941 play of the same name. Lucrezia: ”A frame-up too. Not just any old frame up, mind you. It was one of that them there matching Moroccan Antique Gold look frame-ups that are all the rage that look amazing on my bathroom wall.” Vannozza: “Knock off the reach back, my Daughter.” Lucrezia: “Sorry.” For more on the "Moroccan Antique Gold look frames," see the “I’m Gonna Rearrange Your Face” sketch. Lucrezia: “…John was just pissed because I wouldn’t take my clothes off in his zoo. ‘The Ass Menagerie.’ What a stupid comic strip.” – John Collier painted at least three women who showed their asses with animals: “Circe” (1885, with a tiger and an ocelot), “Lilith” (1887, with a snake), and “Lady Godiva” (1898, on horseback). Lucrezia: “He’ll be the ruin of the Borgia family. If not him then it’ll be that brother of mine.” Vannozza: “Now, don’t be so hard on Victor. There’s a genuine market in Italy for those that can play the overture to ‘The William Tell Overture’ upside down.” - A reference to Victor Borge (1909-2000), the comedy pianist. Cesare: “No, you’re pulling my leg. This is an eminence front; it’s a put on. - Reference to a line from the song “Eminence Front” by The Who. Lucrezia: “I even knitted you a comic relief sidekick for your journey. Machiavelli is his name. I hope you like him. He comes with a matching souvenir shirt he bought at a whorehouse. “ - On page 58-60 of “The Portable Machiavelli,” (ed. by Peter Bondanella and Mark Musa, 1979), there appears a very explicit private letter written by Niccolò Machiavelli to his friend, Luigi Guicciardini of Mantua on 9 December 1509. In the letter, Machiavelli (who incidentally was married at the time) describes to his friend that he was approached by an old lady asking him if he could come inside her house and see some shirts she just made. Machiavelli followed her inside, where he saw another old lady who showed her the shirts. Once the first old lady left, Machiavelli then proceeded to have sex with the second old lady, who was allegedly a prostitute. The editors seem to think this story is at least partially true. Another weirdo. Cesare: “Not to mention the animated series based on the movie based on your book about the cured lepers, ‘A Farewell to Alms,’ you know, the one adapted for skit by Monty Python’s ‘Life of Brian…” - Referring to the “Alms for an ex-leper” skit in “Life of Brian.” Cesare: “…and the musical based on the animated series based on the movie based on your book about Jesus’s days as a vinedresser, 'The Grapes of Wrath, Sloth, Envy, Pride, Greed, Gluttony and Lust.'” – "Cannibalize Productions" is a spoof of Disney, an entertainment and mass media conglomerate that likes to recycle its material. Disney is kind of like a dictatorship under international sanctions that has to keep its aircraft in the air by cannibalizing parts from its grounded aircraft. Cesare: “And what about your reality TV show? You know, the next episode of ‘Husband for a Day,’ where you betroth a girl to a prominent noblemen whose convenient alliance you desperately need in order to gain political stability? Lucrezia: “Another arranged marriage?! Pop, for crying out loud, I’ve had four already!” Alexander VI: “Stop exaggerating, my Daughter. You’ve only had one. I had the first three annulled.” Actually, they’re both right. In February, 1491, when Lucrezia was only 11 years old, her father (then Cardinal) drew up a matrimonial arrangement between Lucrezia and the Lord of Val D'Ayora. Two months later, her father annulled that arrangement and drew up a contract with Don Gaspare Aversa, Count of Procida. After becoming pope in August, 1492, Lucrezia’s father annulled that matrimonial contract and in 1493 arranged for Lucrezia to marry Giovanni Sforza, a member of the powerful House of Sforza. Lucrezia would go on to marry Giovanni in June of that year. In December, 1497, Alexander VI had Lucrezia’s marriage annulled, and in 1498, betrothed her to Alfonso of Aragon, an influential family in Naples. Lucrezia and Don Alfonso were married in July, 1498. So as of the time of this sketch, the 18-year old Lucrezia had been through four arranged marriages, three of which were wedding. Lucrezia and Don Alfonso, however, did not stay married long. In 1499, Lucretia's pop the pope sought to align himself with France. The following year, in July, 1500, Don Alfonso was stabbed outside St. Peter’s Basilica in Rome. Don Alphonso survived the attack, and was being nursed back to health, when thirty-three days later, he was found strangled in his bed. In 1502, Alexander VI married Lucrezia off yet again, this time to the Alfonso I d'Este, Duke of Ferrara. She, in true weirdo John Collier fashion, had a taste for in-laws, and had a long and torrid affair with her husband's brother, Francesco Il Gonzaga, Marquess of Mantua. Don Alfonso’s murder officially remains a mystery, but it wouldn’t be too much of a stretch to suspect it as one of the shenanigans of our favorite matchmaker, Alexander VI. Alexander VI: “Here are the keys…” – the “keychain” was Cesare Borgia’s coat of arms as Duke of Valentinois, Duke of Romagna and Captain-General of the Church. Cesare: “Very well. If it is my Sforza del destino, then so be it.” - A reference to Verdi’s opera “Forza del destino” by Giuseppe Verdi. We here at CoBaD have never seen the opera. Based on a summary of the plot, we don’t think we want to either. Rather depressing, even for an opera. Vannozza: “I packed you some fresh mercenaries for occupying the city, my Son. They’ll go nicely with your sidekick.” Lucrezia: “Yeah, Machiavelli said to knock on Cate’s door and shout ‘Little Pig, Little Pig, let me come in.’ If she refuses to grant you entry by the hair of her chinny chin chin, then you’re under strict orders to huff and puff and blow her house down. He said Mom’s mercenaries, backed by Uncle Lou’s 300 cavalry, 4,000 infantry and heavy artillery should do the trick.” Refers to the following passage in “The Prince”: “…[W]hen those states that are acquired are used to living by their own laws and in freedom, there are three methods of holding on to them: the first is to destroy them; the second is to go there in person to live; the third is to is to allow them to live with their own laws, forcing them to pay a tribute and creating therein a government made up of only a few people who will keep the state friendly toward you…But in republics there is greater vitality, greater hatred, greater desire for revenge; the memory of ancient liberty does not and cannot allow them to rest, so that the most secure way is either to destroy them or to go there to live.” (Chapter V, “How Cities or Principalities Should Be Governed That Lived By Their Own Laws Before They Were Occupied.”) In the fable “The Three Little Pigs,” the Big Bad Wolf went to the house of the Three Little Pigs to live (“Little pigs, little pigs, let me come in”). When the pigs refused to pay him a tribute by welcoming him into their humble abode (“not by the hair of my chinny, chin chin”), the Big Bad Wolf destroyed the house (“Then I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house down”). So the Big Bad Wolf was a little bit of a Prince himself. Cesare: “Buff, gruff, rough, tough, huff, puff, muff, cuff and stuff. Got it. Thanks, lowercase sis.” – With his newly buffed command post, Cesare, in a gruff manner, was to take his father’s rough army and his mother’s tough mercenaries and proceed to huff and puff and clumsily muff Caterina’s castle down. Cesare then was to (hand)cuff the Countess and stuff her in prison (Castel Sant'Angelo). Memory aids are wonderful things. Alexander VI: “When you get to Castel Sant'Angelo, give my regards to Tosca; that is, of course, assuming she hasn’t thrown herself off the top of the parapet yet.” - Castel Sant'Angelo is the setting for Act III of Giacomo Puccini’s “Tosca.” Lucrezia: “Care for some of my Napoleon cantarella jelly, The Holy Father? It’s made with fresh elderberries.” Napoleon the Pig in George Orwell’s “Animal Farm” was modeled after Stalin. As alluded to in “The Hams Justifies the Means” sketch, Stalin is widely regarded as a Machiavellian Prince because Stalin, like Julius II and Alexander VI, exercised four key qualities: always think of war, be miserly rather than generous, be feared but not hated, and choose a side in a war and never be neutral. Stalin indeed, was a fan of Machiavelli; Stalin himself possessed an annotated copy of “The Prince.” Pope Alexander VI was rumored to have been poisoned with cantarella (a compound of putrefied pig entrails and arsenic). The poison was believed to have been used extensively by the Borgia family. The condition of his body seems to have supported death by poisoning theory, although Alexander VI’s official cause of death is listed as malaria. Closing titles - Notice in the closing credits that the last names for Rodrigo and Vannozza are spelled “Borja,” not Borgia. The Borjas/Borgias are in fact a Spanish family, not Italian. They take their name from the town of Borja, in Zaragoza in Spain. As stated above, Alexander VI’s birth name is spelled Borja. It was his children Cesare and Lucrezia that took on the alternative spelling of Borgia. Crazy kids. "The Prince (disputed)" - In Chapter VII Machiavelli’s "The Prince,” he cites Cesare Borgia as a Prince, although we here at CoBaD dispute that weirdo Machiavelli. Cesare was too reliant on his father’s power as pope, such that, upon his father’s passing, both he (and the Borgia family or that matter) lost their influence in Italy. Cesare clearly had too much luck and not enough skill. Scrolling caption and voiceover: “You have been watching the spinoff of the reality TV show of the novelization of the feature film of the animated series of the musical of the spinoff Arsenic and Old Prince. Arsenic and Old Prince is a Recycled Production, in collusion with a Pope Julius II and Medici Family Smear Campaign.” – As Lee (2013) argued, while Pope Alexander VI may have engaged in un-pope like behavior (e.g., keeping mistresses, fathering children and amassing armies), many other popes did so as well, such as the aforementioned Julius II (aka, “The Battle Pope”). Similarly, while the Borgias admittedly had their share of misdeeds (e.g., murder and nepotism), the Medici, the Malatesta and the Sforza families all had their “hands in the cookie jar” as well. Thankfully, many of the most wretched debaucheries that the Borgias were saddled with (fratricide, incest, and even Alexander VI’s so-called “Banquet of the Chestnuts”) have been debunked by modern day historians as either made up or grossly exaggerated. As Lee (2013) states, it is perhaps because the Borgias were a Spanish family living in Italy that made them such a target of ridicule, and Italy’s convenient deflection away from its own corruption. References: Biography.com. (20 April, 2021). Lucrezia Borgia. https://www.biography.com/crime/lucrezia-borgia Britannica. Lucrezia Borgia, Italian noble. https://www.britannica.com/biography/Lucrezia-Borgia Ingliss-Arkell, E. (09 December 2014) What Was in "Cantarella," The Borgia's Famous Poison? Gizmodo.com. https://gizmodo.com/what-was-in-cantarella-the-borgias-famous-poison-1668857273 Lee, A. (01 October 2013). Were the Borgias Really So Bad? Historytoday.com. https://www.historytoday.com/history-matters/were-borgias-really-so-bad Machiavelli, N. (1979). The Portable Machiavelli. Ed by Peter Bondanella and Mark Musa. Penguin Books. First published in 1532. Internet Archive Wayback Machine. Web.archive.org. The murder of Alfonso of Aragon. https://web.archive.org/web/20050104073703/http:/books.rakeshv.org/html/lcbga10/lcbga10ch15.html Mingren, W. (‘Dhwty’). (10 August 2020). Pope Alexander VI: Unscrupulous Borgia Patriarch With a Lust for Power. Ancient-Origins.net. https://www.ancient-origins.net/history-famous-people/pope-alexander-vi-0014104#google_vignette Vučković, A. (27 December 2021). Lucrezia Borgia: The Misunderstood Femme Fatale of the Renaissance. www.ancient-origins.net. https://www.ancient-origins.net/history-famous-people/lucrezia-borgia-0016228 Wikipedia. Alfonso of Aragon (1481-1500). https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alfonso_of_Aragon_(1481%E2%80%931500) Wikipedia. Cesare Borgia. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cesare_Borgia Wikipedia. John Collier (painter). https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Collier_(painter) Wikipedia. La forza del destino. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/La_forza_del_destino Wikipedia. Pope Julius II. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pope_Julius_II Wikipedia. Vannozza dei Cattanei. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vannozza_dei_Cattanei ————- Convulsions of Birth and Death (CoBaD) is a comedy sketch troupe founded in September, 2022 that posts skits on social media covering varied topics such as music, history, art, science, sports, literature and events encountered in everyday life. The title was inspired by Henry David Thoreau’s “Civil Disobedience” (1849), an essay written as a protest against the U.S. government taking his “gift” (i.e., his taxes), and wasting it in ways in which he did not approve (e.g., war and slavery). CoBaD writes sketches in the spirit of Thoreau, but instead of strictly casting its nets outwards towards governments and figures of authority, it projects its protest inwards by taking a humorous, lightheaded look at humanity and specifically those who take the greatest gift of all, life, and senselessly and stupidly waste it on greed, narcissism, self-centeredness, petty-mindedness, arrogance, opportunism, power-grabbing, quid pro quo, the status quo, ulterior motives, and the most despicable waste of all, social media.

This sketch was inspired by a curious behavior we here at CoBaD have observed in people when they start to get old. We noticed that the older an individual gets, the more likely he or she is to cut loose with a vowel, usually in conjunction with simple tasks like standing up, slowly sitting back down and fidgeting in the chair like a cat kneading its bed. So what better place to get a pulse of how much pain people are in (and tip off the pharmaceutical industry in the process) and get a lesson in applied gerontological phonics than with a retirement community’s morning vowel enunciation report? To be fair, this sketch isn't entirely poking fun entirely at retirement communities. Retirement communities are wonderful places where individuals in the sunset of their days on this earth gather together, bitch about the kids today, lament about the “good old days” (which, upon research, one discovers that those days weren’t really that good after all) and try to one-up each other with their fantastic stories about past surgeries and current prescriptions. What this sketch is also poking fun at are housing community developers. We think it’s rather amusing that community developers will buy up large swathes of wilderness, bulldoze the trees and chase away the wildlife, then put up a bunch of multimillion-dollar cookie-cutter houses and call their high-priced slums “Pine Meadows” or “Deer Trails” before running off and leaving the locals to deal with the traffic headaches, the overburdened sewer system and the overtaxed power grid. MacDonald’s Old Farm takes the absurdity to a new level, where Brave New World Holding Company buys up the farmland, but keeps the farm infrastructure intact, rebrands the duck pens, chicken coops and cow stalls as “homes,” then charges naïve retired folks an arm and a leg for their cells. We think it’s only a matter of time before slimy housing community developers start using this tactic as well. After all, After all, as the saying goes, “There’s gold in them there over the hills.” The sketch was also inspired by a conversation a member of our troupe had several years ago with a coworker who was getting ready to retire. He was boasting to anyone who cared to listen (and even those who didn’t care to listen; he didn’t discriminate, you know) that he was going to move down to a mega-retirement housing community in Florida, and even bragged that the community was going to provide him with a complimentary golf cart. The more he talked about this community, the more this troupe member thought the mega-community sounded like a mix of a theme park and something from a dystopian novel (like “Brave New World”) where everything is perfect (allegedly) and everyone is happy (supposedly). It was rather disturbing, but this troupe member didn’t want to ruin the soon-to-be-retired man’s “dreams,” so unlike his coworker, he kept his mouth shut. The sketch also pays tribute to the bygone era of creative names. Much like the names in MacDonald’s Old Farm (Ruder, Thebay, Ertrude, Girving, Elekiah, Felistus), the roll call at real senior centers is full of classic and memorable names (e.g., Ginny, Addie, Orville) that are unfortunately no longer considered cool by today’s allegedly hip and fashionable yet unimaginative and bland SUV-racing, latte-chugging, multimillion-dollar cookie-cutter-house-dwelling moms and dads. Felistus: “Ms. Ruder Monns, the hearing and listening impaired old bag in Room 202, gave an ‘EEEE’ yesterday morning…” - Close front unrounded vowel Felistus: “Mr. Thebay Ginns, the doddering old former VP at Nonsense Missile Defense of Beltway Bandit, Virginia, cried out an ‘AAAA’…” - Open front unrounded vowel Felistus: “And last night at 10:30pm, Mr. Ertrude Arch groaned out two vowels, ‘EHHH’ and ‘OOOH.’ He then uttered ‘UHHH’ as Ertrude’s wife, Girving, hit him over the head with a frying pan…” EHHH – Open-mid front unrounded vowel OOOH – Open-mid back rounded vowel UHHH - Mid-central vowel (schwa) Felistus: “Also of note is Mr. Elekiah Burg, technical director of this newscast, who cried out an ‘OOOH’…” Another open-mid back rounded vowel. Well, as you saw, Elelkiah was a usurper; so of course he going to steal other people’s work… Felistus: “…when playing pitch and catch with his grandson yesterday morning at his son, Hezekadiah’s home.” – Not ready for MacDonald’s Old Farm yet, but Hezekadiah’s still got a great name. HIS pop don’t drive no stinkin’ SUV. Felistus: “However, since this grunt took place offsite, the camp administrator’s office has deemed it a football-related enunciation, and therefore ineligible for inclusion in the daily vowel report.“ - A spoof of NFL’s non-football related injury designation. If a player is injured and the injury is not related to football, NFL teams are neither required to pay the player his base salary nor report his vowels to the league office. “The Supernumeraries” promo – A member of our troupe many years ago played a supernumerary for an opera company. Much like an extra in the movies, supernumeraries are volunteers that get to stand in the back of the stage and fill out a scene. The time on stage varies; in Giacomo Puccini’s “Tosca,” he was on stage for a grand total of 30 seconds. In Vincenzo’s Bellini’s “I puritani”, he played an 18th century guard and was in all three acts, including a fight scene in the first act where he was trained to fight with a pike. Lots of work but great fun. So this promo pays tribute to these unsung heroes. From left to right, the operas depicted are Puccini’s “Tosca,” Ruggero Leoncavallo’s “Pagliacci,” Giuseppe Verdi’s “Il trovatore” and Verdi’s “Otello.” Voiceover: “Follow the kooky hijinks of the hilarious, wacky and screwball family from the Kingdom of Diplopia, the Don-DeRoad-Stars…” For more on Mr. Don-DeRoad-Star and his “extended family,” see “The Diplopian War” skit. Voiceover: “…as they stand at the back of an opera stage in period costumes and mouth the word ‘watermelon’ over and over again in excited, pretend conversation while all around them sopranos and tenors are being shot, stabbed, poisoned or strangled.” –A troupe member of ours had a friend who one said that if you find yourself in an awkward position where you have to sing a song but don’t know the words (e.g., you’re at a New Year’s Eve party and you’re supposed to hold hands with everyone in a big circle and sing “Auld Lang Syne”), this friend suggested just mouth the word “watermelon” in sing song fashion and no one will be the wiser. Not really something that was taught in supernumerary school, but we suppose it could have worked. Voiceover: “That’s ‘The Supernumeraries’ up next, except on the west coast, when it will be seen at its regular scheduled time three hours ago.” – A spoof of the famous promos that would appear at or near the end of late afternoon NFL games. A troupe member lived on the east coast and was often puzzled by the statement. Why can’t we all watch “60 Minutes” at the same time? Aren’t we all equals? Or are some more equal than others? Pigs. They’re just setting themselves up for spoilers, anyway. Scrolling Caption and Voiceover: “MacDonald’s Old Farm is a Brave New World Holding Company, in a ‘Me Telling You What to Do and You Doing It’ partnership with Alpha Homeowners Association and Epsilon Undocumented Workers, Very Limited.” – A reference to Aldous Huxley’s “Brave New World.” Noticed we here at CoBaD ran the entire skit without a single reference to “Wheel of Fortune.” Sorry, folks, we don’t care for low hanging fruit around here. Apart from that “unsung heroes” pun that is. References: Wikipedia. Close front unrounded vowel. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Close_front_unrounded_vowel Wikipedia. Mid central vowel. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mid_central_vowel Wikipedia. Non-football injury and illness. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-football_injury_and_illness Wikipedia. Open front unrounded vowel. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Open_front_unrounded_vowel Wikipedia. Open-mid back rounded vowel. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Open-mid_back_rounded_vowel Wikipedia. Open-mid front unrounded vowel. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Open-mid_front_unrounded_vowel Wikipedia. Supernumerary actor. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Supernumerary_actor ————- Convulsions of Birth and Death (CoBaD) is a comedy sketch troupe founded in September, 2022 that posts skits on social media covering varied topics such as music, history, art, science, sports, literature and events encountered in everyday life. The title was inspired by Henry David Thoreau’s “Civil Disobedience” (1849), an essay written as a protest against the U.S. government taking his “gift” (i.e., his taxes), and wasting it in ways in which he did not approve (e.g., war and slavery). CoBaD writes sketches in the spirit of Thoreau, but instead of strictly casting its nets outwards towards governments and figures of authority, it projects its protest inwards by taking a humorous, lightheaded look at humanity and specifically those who take the greatest gift of all, life, and senselessly and stupidly waste it on greed, narcissism, self-centeredness, petty-mindedness, arrogance, opportunism, power-grabbing, quid pro quo, the status quo, ulterior motives, and the most despicable waste of all, social media.

A member of our troupe used to be an engineer and Cost Accounting Manager (CAM) for a defense contractor. This sketch was inspired by his adventures in the exciting, rough and tumble world of program management, and shows what we here at CoBaD think might happen when a program manager (PM) decides to get married. Caption and Voiceover: “This sketch contains intensely suggestive dialogue and strong course language. Engineer discretion is advised.” - A warning that the following sketch contains copious amounts of engineer-related terminology. If you don’t understand this sketch, consider yourself blessed. Gigi: “How’s your scarf stew, dear?” Casey: “Oh, good…It’s a bit stringy.” Gigi: “Yes, it’s my mother Madge’s concoction. An old Scottish favorite. It’s not to everyone’s tastes, but it is a killer recipe. At least that nice Miss Sylphide thought so, God rest her soul... “ Casey: “Whaddya mean, ‘God rest her soul’?!” Alludes to Act 2 of August Bournonville’s 1836 ballet “La Sylphide.” Many years ago, a member of our troupe played a witch in the scarf scene. It was quite fun. It was rather priceless, as he recalled, to see the dancer who played Madge the witch, all decked out in his hideous costume and makeup, walking from the dressing room down to the stage singing “I Feel Pretty” from “West Side Story.” Casey: “I know, and I appreciate that. I told James so at the reception.” – James Ruben is the lead character in “La Sylphide.” In Act 2, Madge tricked James into giving his beloved Sylph a scarf, claiming that if James wrapped the scarf around the sylph, she could not fly away, and would be his forever. When James wrapped the scarf around the Sylph, her wings fell off and she died, leaving James grief-stricken and alone. This line suggest that the heartbroken James later married Madge on the rebound, with the thrifty Scot and the evil witch eventually giving birth to a PM. Gigi: “Option one; a first child, a boy named Matthew Adam. My parents put together a RFP (Request for Pregnancy) and have asked me to modify the Integrated Master Schedule to include the option. Let me just open up the spreadsheet on my laptop here and I’ll show it to you.” - Family PLANNING (e.g., deciding on the number of children to have, if any, how many years apart they should be, (roughly) the age at which to have them, etc.) is one matter. Family SCHEDULING (e.g., the first child will be born on April 29th after 6 hours and 37 minutes of labor at 7:40pm, he will be a boy, he will be named Matthew Adam, etc.) is just downright creepy. Almost as creepy as a PM. And Mr. Scope. Casey: “Don’t you remember what Father Rod said? Don’t take the Lord’s name in vain! Gigi: “I’m not taking His name in vain…” Together: “It’s for a very good reason!” For more on this gag, see the “Out of Context, Out of Mind” sketch. It is here we learn the first name of Rosie’s father, Rod (as in “Don’t fail to punish your children. The rod of punishment won’t kill them,” Proverbs 23:13, New Living Translation). Incidentally, this isn't Father Rod's first appearance in a CoBaD sketch; he made a cameo appearance in the “Pleasure Doing Business” sketch. Gigi: “We’re already past do proceed, sh** wad. For the love of Mod, you don’t know the first fu** about contracts, do you?” – “Mod” is short for contract modification. Contract modifications are somewhat of a relief for engineers because it means PMs have something to do besides gathering their minions for weekly Powerpoint-laden, inefficient and badly-run three-hour-long Business Process Review (BPR) and two-hour-long Performance to Plan (PTP) meetings and berating them for not getting their work done. Voiceover: “For her transformative work that defied both category and comprehension, Atthew became the first person ever to receive both the 'Johnny Cash ‘A Boy Named Sue’ Prize' and the prestigious 'Winston Churchill Enigma Honor' for her outstanding service as a woman trapped with a man’s name outside a woman’s body.” The line pokes fun at the Kennedy Center Honors selection committees. In 2018, the Special Honors Advisory Committee and the executive committee of the board of trustees felt a sudden whimsical urge to cave in to special interests and shoehorn an honor into its ceremony that is by its very definition supposed to celebrate lifetime achievement. So that year the committees created an honor for "trailblazing creators of a transformative work that defies category." The award went to the creators of the musical“Hamilton:”Lin-Manuel Miranda,Thomas Kail,Andy BlankenbuehlerandAlex Lacamoire. The Johnny Cash reference is self-explanatory. If you don’t know who Johnny Cash is, then it is our unpleasant duty to inform you that we here at CoBaD hereby rescind the blessing we so lovingly bestowed upon you in the second paragraph. But if you just watch the Johnny Cash link below, we’ll give it back. The “Winston Churchill Enigma Honor” is a reference to a quote from Winston Churchill’s 01 October, 1939 radio address commenting on Russia signing the Treaty of Non-Aggression between Germany and the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics (aka the Molotov–Ribbentrop Pact): “I cannot forecast to you the action of Russia. It is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma. But perhaps there is a key. That key is Russian national interest.” Voiceover: “Gigi suffered dearly for her treatment of Casey and Atthew. Following in the footsteps of Hitler, Stalin, Nixon and Ayatollah Khomeini, Gigi was named Time’s ‘Person of the Year’ for her contributions to program management.” – Specifically, Adolf Hitler (1938), Joseph Stalin (twice: 1939 and 1942), Richard Nixon (twice: 1971 and 1972) and Ayatollah Khomeini (1979). Other (in our opinion) not so nice program managers have also been named Time’s Person of the Year, including our esteemed target of ridicule, Franklin Delano Roosevelt (three times: 1932, 1934 and 1941; four if you include 1933’s Hugh S. Johnson, director of FDR’s unconstitutional National Recovery Administration). We here think at CoBaD think Time’s “honor” seems to be better at encouraging bad behavior than rewarding good behavior. Voiceover: “’Integrated Mistress Schedule’ has been brought to you by Lion Cheetah Defense Contractors” - A former mentor of our aforementioned CAM once commented on the lack of trust some military customers have with defense contractors; with some military (in his words) calling them “Lyin’, cheatin’ contractors.” This advertisement goes through some of the reasons for the mistrust (e.g., contractors not keeping promises, cost overruns, delivery delays, etc.). Although to be fair, the CAM didn’t work for a company that used its test bombers to take a stock dump over the stock exchange like Lion Cheetah did. Voiceover: “…Your premier source of overpromising and under delivering products this side of Tesla.” - Tesla, while not a defense contractor, is particularly bad at overpromising and underdelivering, hence the joke; although DeBord (2015) argues that in Tesla’s case, that may not be such a bad thing after all. ERRATUM: “Vanity Fair did not call the marriage between Casey and Gigi ‘The only convincing love story of our century.’ Rather, they used those words to describe Vladimir Nabokov’s novel Lolita. We apologize for our appalling lack of judgement so long as Vanity Fair apologizes for theirs.” – A member of our troupe read Nabokov’s novel and found this very quote on the back cover of a 1997 edition (see below). We here at CoBaD don’t think Vanity Fair actually read the book. But then again what do you expect from a Condé Nasty little rag that’s far more famous for its topless celebrity photos than its articles. References: Capriola, P. (15 August 2020). Viewer Discretion is Advised: Meaning and Implications. Strategiesforparents.com. https://strategiesforparents.com/viewer-discretion-is-advised-meaning-and-implications/ DeBord, M. (11 October 2015). This is why Tesla always overpromises and underdelivers. Businessinsider.com. https://www.businessinsider.com/why-tesla-always-overpromises-and-underdelivers-2015-10 International Churchill Society. Churchill on Russia. https://winstonchurchill.org/publications/finest-hour/finest-hour-150/churchill-on-russia/ Jones, C. (22 October 2019). Tesla’s Musk is Overpromising Again on Self-Driving Cars. Forbes.com. https://www.forbes.com/sites/chuckjones/2019/10/22/teslas-musk-is-overpromising-again-on-self-driving-cars/?sh=6b2df14c5e98 Nabokov, V. (1997). Lolita. 50th Anniversary edition. Vintage International. First published in 1955. Wikipedia. Kennedy Center Honors. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kennedy_Center_Honors Wikipedia. La Sylphide. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/La_Sylphide Wikipedia. Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Molotov%E2%80%93Ribbentrop_Pact Wikipedia. Tesla, Inc. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tesla,_Inc. Wikipedia. Time Person of the Year. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Time_Person_of_the_Year Johnny Cash. Johnny Cash - A Boy Named Sue (Live at San Quentin, 1969). YouTube.com. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WOHPuY88Ry4 -------------------- Convulsions of Birth and Death (CoBaD) is a comedy sketch troupe founded in September, 2022 that posts skits on social media covering varied topics such as music, history, art, science, sports, literature and events encountered in everyday life. The title was inspired by Henry David Thoreau’s “Civil Disobedience” (1849), an essay written as a protest against the U.S. government taking his “gift” (i.e., his taxes), and wasting it in ways in which he did not approve (e.g., war and slavery). CoBaD writes sketches in the spirit of Thoreau, but instead of strictly casting its nets outwards towards governments and figures of authority, it projects its protest inwards by taking a humorous, lightheaded look at humanity and specifically those who take the greatest gift of all, life, and senselessly and stupidly waste it on greed, narcissism, self-centeredness, petty-mindedness, arrogance, opportunism, power-grabbing, quid pro quo, the status quo, ulterior motives, and the most horrid waste of all, social media.

One of our troupe members was a psychology student and graduate teaching assistant. One of the psychologists he had to cover during the course of his studies and teaching was the child psychologist Jean Piaget (1896-1980). Piaget’s most famous work was his Theory of Cognitive Development which breaks child development into four stages: sensorimotor (birth to 24 months), preoperational (ages 2-7), concrete operational (7-11), and formal operational (12 through adulthood). This sketch also pokes fun at our favorite journalist, Chairman Rosie, who, in a true Faustian-like interpretation of Matthew 18:3, attempts to earn his ticket to the Kingdom of Heaven by acting as childish as possible (a form of magical thinking if you will, which, incidentally, is a trademark of the preoperational stage) so he can write a scathing exposé of God in order to get Him forcibly removed from His post as President, Chairman and CEO. 1. Hypothetical flanking The scene is a reference to the question the disciples posed to Jesus prior to Matthew 18:3, specifically Matthew 18:1 (“At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked “Who, then, is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” New International Version). It appears the disciples in this case were merely reporters without the rude shouting and annoying two-parted follow-up questions. Rosie: “But Don Giovanni loved all and he went to Hell. Do you want to go to Hell, Mommy?” Mother: “That’s different, dear.” A reference to Mozart’s opera “Don Giovanni” Act 2, Scene 1 where Giovanni attempts to rationalize his philandering ways: “As I always say, ‘He who remains faithful to one is being cruel to the others’…I have an overabundance of sentiment.” For more on Don Giovanni, see the “Multitaskerade” sketch. Rosie: “Mommy, my take has always been that if you never had me, your life would not be fulfilling, right?” Mother: “Well, yes.” Rosie: “But since you have me in your life, your life is fulfilling. Fair?” Mother: “I think that’s fair.” Rosie: “And the best people in life are those that make it fulfilling, right?” Mother: “Yes, of course.” Rosie: “Thanks for making me your best, Mom.” Mother: “That’s not what I meant, dear.” This part of the sketch was inspired by a dialogue host Kay Adams and co-host Kyle Brandt had with guest contributor (and former National Football League quarterback) Matt Cassel on 30 September 2021 on NFL Network’s “Good Morning, Football.” The debate was on who contributed more to the success of the NFL’s New England Patriots, head coach Bill Belichick or quarterback Tom Brady. The dialogue went something like this: Kay: (to Matt) “Who’s the genius behind the [New England Patriots] football, behind the Super Bowls, behind the legacy? Is it Brady or is it Belichick?” Matt then told how Tom and Bill worked together to create the Patriot dynasty, and Matt didn’t really commit to favoring one over the other. Later on in the discussion, Kyle said: Kyle (to Matt): “My take has always been if Bill Belichick had never met Tom Brady, I don’t think Bill Belichick is a Super Bowl Champion. If Tom Brady had never had Bill Belichick in his life, I think [Tom Brady] has multiple [Super Bowl] rings. Fair? Unfair?” Matt: “I think it’s fair.” Then Matt, probably realizing that he just admitted that Tom Brady was the genius, quickly adds: Matt: “I mean, at the end of the day, let’s be honest, there’s great coaches out there, and Bill Belichick is probably the greatest in our generation, but great players make great coaches.” Kay and Kyle’s collusion sounded just like a bratty five year old boy asking his mother which one of her children is her favorite, and then when she refused to take sides, the child rephrased the question to get the answer he wanted, entrapping her in the process. Pretentious children are excellent at being journalists who are excellent at being pretentious children. 2. “Everyone is doing it” In this scene, Chairman Rosie is dressed as Buster Brown, the famous early 20th century comic strip character by Richard F. Outcault. The stained glass window is referring to Psalms 51:1 (“Have mercy on me, O God, because of your unfailing love. Because of your great compassion, blot out the stain of my sins.” (New Living Translation). The subject of Father’s sermon is referring to Proverbs 23:13 (“Don’t fail to punish your children. The rod of punishment won’t kill them.” New Living Translation). Father: “How many times have I told you not to truncate Bible verses?” Again, Chairman Rosie is playing fast and loose with the Bible. If he had gone on to read the next verse (Matthew 18:4), he would have discovered that children must be humble as well. (“Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven.” Berean Standard Bible). Father: “First it was your ‘wages of sin is death’ episode, then it was your first book of John chapter 1 verse 8 tirade, and now this. You stop acting like Dr. Faustus and insulting my intelligence with your oversimplified and dumbed down diatribes this instant, young man!” Father’s line here refers to two Bible verses prominently mentioned by Faustus in Christopher Marlowe’s play “Dr. Faustus.” “Wages of sin is death” refers to Romans 6:23: “For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord” (King James Version). 1 John 1:8-9 reads: “If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” Faustus only pays attention to the first half of Romans 6:23 (“For the wages of sin is death,”) and 1 John 1:8 (“If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us”) and ignores the rest. Faustus’s argument is essentially this: Man is imperfect and sins. And sins will only lead to death. However, if we attempt to live a good life to the point that we think we are without sin, we are deceiving ourselves. And self-deception is a sin. So basically Faustus argues that we’re stuck in a Catch-22, that is, “we’re damned if we do and we’re damned if we don’t” (pun intended). Faustus however, fails to see the rest of the story; that is, Faustus only notes the condemnation by God but not the promise of mercy if one repents. The juxtaposition of Faustus to the press is intentional. The press commonly makes similar misinterpretations of the Bible. For example, we here at CoBaD remember seeing an editorial cartoon several years ago whose subject was an incident where gays were being condemned by the religious right. The cartoonist cited John 8:7 (“He who is without sin cast the first stone”). The cartoonist, however, ignored the rest of the passage when Jesus turns to the accused and says “Go and sin no more” (John 8:11). Taken in its entirety, the Bible passage would suggest that the persons the cartoonist is defending are actually sinners, which meant that the cartoonist is essentially agreeing with the religious right in that homosexuality is wrong. The press in a broader scope does similar things with the teachings of Jesus as well. The press endlessly lecture us ignorant plebeians to forgive like Jesus, but at the same time, the press are strong advocates of kicking Jesus out of the courts and schools. Father: “This ain’t Second City!” - For more on our (dim) view of Second City Comedy Theatre, see the “Acceptance Spee” sketch. Father: “I’ll cancel your cankerous and cancerous cancel culture if you keep this cantering cantankerousness up.” – We here at CoBaD love alliterations, don’t you? 3. Don’t Clean Your Plate Rosie: “NO! I only eat what’s convenient, because my weekly syndicated column, ‘He Who is Without Sin Casts the First Stone,’ is all about the little people who have been harshly inconvenienced: rebels, free thinkers, undocumented workers, gays and me. I’m just fine!” For an additional example of misuse of “He who is without sin, cast the first stone,” see Professor Londregan's article, “He Who is Without Sin” which explains how to deal with individuals whom, in an indefensible act, deliberately cross the U.S./Mexican border illegally and become victims of exploitation. Professor Londregan, possibly for the sake of appeasing his Ivy League peers, dodges focusing on the “sin” of the illegal immigrants and “casts” the entirety of the blame on Americans whom exploit illegal immigrants. We here at CoBaD argue that if these immigrants hadn’t “sinned” and crossed the border illegally (note Professor Londregan equates these immigrants to prostitutes and drug smugglers), they wouldn’t have put themselves in a compromising position and be exploited by “stone casters” in the first place. So it seems to us here at CoBaD an Ivy League professor’s interpretation of John 8:7 (those that have read the Bible that is) is more likely to read, “Let he who is without defense project the first blame.” Epilogue For more on the John Steinbeck School of Overgesticulated Public Speaking, see the “Four Year War Plans and Screw Deals” sketch. Piaget: “Catprik is clearly past the sensorimotor stage because he has mastered object permanence. Tripack has shown that by covering the coveted Uriah Heep Award in Journalistic Humility with a blanket, the award has not simply disappeared, because he’s not crying and throwing a fit. After two weeks of undercover investigation, he is able to demonstrate the award is still there by cutting a hole in the blanket, pulling it out and parading it around the newsroom, asserting his egocentrism.” Refers to the blanket test. If one covers an object with a blanket, a child without a sense of object permanence (generally those younger than six months) think the object has disappeared. Basically for infants (and mass media consumers for that matter), out of sight is out of mind. “The Uriah Heep Award in Journalist Humility” was named after Uriah Heep, the main antagonist from Charles Dickens’s “David Copperfield,” who primary purpose in life is to tell everyone how humble he his. In reality, he is anything but the sort. The childish Chairman Rosie parading the award around the newsroom is yet another indication that he didn’t read Matthew 18:4. Egocentrism is where an individual is unable to see things from other people’s point of view. When Piaget “makes himself invisible” at the end of this skit he is demonstrating egocentrism. By age 6 or 7 (Piaget’s Concrete Operational Stage), children grow out of this. Maybe. The “unbreeched” cartoon refers to the practice of breeching boys. Used widely until the end of the 19th century, breeching was considered to be rite of passage where a young boy was first dressed in pants or trousers, usually between the ages of two and eight. Boys were dressed in dresses or gowns until they were able to wear trousers without soiling themselves. The practice was abandoned thanks to advancements in toilet training. The man at the left of the picture is a spoof of the “Civil Conservation Corps Worker Statue" wearing one of Prince Ulrik of Denmark’s (1611-1633) radiant yet poop-friendly floor length skirts. The eyeless and noseless man in the middle was taken from an Illinois CCC promotional poster. Chairman Rosie’s picture is from a photo of a two year old unbreeched Franklin Delano Roosevelt (creator of the CCC) taken in 1884. Piaget: “Craptik is now happily mature and paying the adult fare on the road to Heaven thanks to his exercising a childish option he found in the First Corinthians section 13, paragraph 11 of his contract.” – Refers to 1 Corinthians 13:11: “When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways (English Standard Version).” Looks like Chairman Rose finally read the rest of the terms and policies in his contract. He probably also came across 1 Corinthians 14:20 (“Brothers, do not be children in your thinking. Be infants in evil, but in your thinking be mature.” English Standard Version). Piaget: “We’ll take a look at press releases from an Old Testament case study from the first book of Reagan, Chapter 17, covering the story of Paul and Goliath, and discover how a 51 year old well-nourished child, armed with only monetary policies from the Federal Reserve Board, slayed the mighty inflation warrior.” - Refers to Paul Volcker (1927-2019), Chair of the Federal Reserve from 1979-1987. Mr. Volcker is widely credited for having ended the high rate of inflation present in the U.S. that lasted from the 1970s to the early 1980s. Piaget: “And now, time for a wee drink and to make myself invisible. Good night.” - A real life example of egocentrism in preoperational children is when they think they can make themselves invisible by covering their eyes with their hands. What follows is a spoof of Piaget’s test of conservation. Preoperational children lack the concept of conservation. They think that a tall skinny glass has more liquid in it than a short wide glass, even though the volume of liquid in both is actually the same. This visual gag turns the test of conservation on its ear. All three glasses may contain the exact same amount of fluid (five ounces), but not the same amount of alcohol. It is in fact the five ounce glass of whiskey that Piaget drank that contains the most alcohol by volume (a standard drink is in fact 12 ounces of beer, five ounces of table wine, and 1.5 ounces of spirits). It’s funny how adults laugh at children who fail the conservation test and yet somehow think they’re okay to drive because they only had a couple of “wee drinks.” Piaget: "Hey, Mom! Try and find me! You can’t see me ‘cause I’m a stealth toaster! - Where a member out our troupe used to work, “stealth toaster” was often used to refer to as a secret project. Sometimes used in conjunction with the term “secret squirrel.” (see the “Four Year War Plans and Screw Deals” sketch). As a closing note, notice we here at CoBaD didn’t stick to a single translation of the Bible. If you laughed at the disciples trying to ask Jesus as to which of them is the greatest, and chuckled at the antics of Chairman Rosie asking his mom which of his children was the greatest, but was perplexed as to why we didn’t declare one translation of the Bible as the greatest, then you missed the whole point of this sketch. References: Bible Hub. https://biblehub.com/ Longredan, J.B. 2012, July 5). Immigration: He Who is Without Sin. Publicdiscourse.com. https://www.thepublicdiscourse.com/2012/07/5794/ Marlowe, Christopher (2002). Doctor Faustus, The 1604-Version Edition. (M. Keefer, Ed.) Broadview Press. (Original work published 1604). Myers, D. G. (2014). Exploring Psychology (9th edition). Worth Publishers, pp.124-129. NFL Network. (30 September 2021) Good Morning Football. Wikipedia. Breeching (boys). https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Breeching_(boys) Wikipedia. Buster Brown. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buster_Brown Wikipedia. Civil Conservation Corps. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Civilian_Conservation_Corps Wikipedia. Paul Volcker. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_Volcker Wikipedia. Piaget’s Theory of Cognitive Development. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Piaget's_theory_of_cognitive_development Wikipedia. Standard Drink. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Standard_drink -------------------- Convulsions of Birth and Death (CoBaD) is a comedy sketch troupe founded in September, 2022 that posts skits on social media covering varied topics such as music, history, art, science, sports, literature and events encountered in everyday life. The title was inspired by Henry David Thoreau’s “Civil Disobedience” (1849), an essay written as a protest against the U.S. government taking his “gift” (i.e., his taxes), and wasting it in ways in which he did not approve (e.g., war and slavery). CoBaD writes sketches in the spirit of Thoreau, but instead of strictly casting its nets outwards towards governments and figures of authority, it projects its protest inwards by taking a humorous, lightheaded look at humanity and specifically those who take the greatest gift of all, life, and senselessly and stupidly waste it on greed, narcissism, self-centeredness, petty-mindedness, arrogance, opportunism, power-grabbing, quid pro quo, the status quo, ulterior motives, and the most horrid waste of all, social media.

This sketch was inspired by the 1986 “Yes, Prime Minister” episode “One of Us.” It was in that episode that we here at CoBaD first learned of the term “Garden Leave” (also known as “Gardening Leave”). As mentioned in the introduction of the skit, one of the uses of gardening leave is when an employer needs to send an employee home (with pay) pending a disciplinary proceeding and it appears that, due to publicity, their presence at work is counterproductive. We often wondered what someone like General Dwight David Dresden did when he was sent home from the front after one of his numerous egregious human rights violations. Thanks to this skit, we now know he was simply honing his war atrocity skills in his victory garden. In the drawing at 0:47 in the skit is a picture of a man on a horse. This drawing is taken from Matthew Paris’s “Chronica Majora” (1259), a three part collection telling the story of man from the time of creation through the current time (13th century). The last two parts are of particular use to historians as it allows them to gain insight into the state of affairs in 13th century Europe. The complete illustration (probably drawn by Mr. Perry himself) depicts an event in 1242 where William de Marisco is drawn to his execution behind a horse (presumably to be hung, quartered or both) for his role in attempting to assassinate Henry III. In addition to the dragging, we were particularly drawn (pun intended) to the expression on the horse’s face. To us it looked like the face of an animal about to be hit by a tomato. So we put him in the drawing. For those of you who can’t read the note in the background at 3:32, it reads “Fireside Chat Inop, Thermocouple on Order.” This was inspired by an actual event. A member of our troupe has a gas fireplace. It was out of order (inoperative, or inop) for two weeks until a replacement part arrived. Gas fireplaces are great if you want to start a fire quickly and don’t want to deal with a messy cleanup, but they’re not really in the same class as a real fireplace (much in the same way that a microwaved meal isn’t the same as a oven cooked meal). This is a jab at FDR’s “fireside chats.” FDR’s “fireside chats” aren’t in the same class as a real chat. While FDR did indeed speak by a fireside (in the Diplomatic Reception Room of the White House), the “chat” was a one-sided affair (the public couldn’t respond), and FDR read from a prepared script. Furthermore, that script he was reading from had gone through about a dozen redrafts, meaning FDR had about 4-5 days to prepare what he was going to say. On top of that, HE chose the topic, occasionally using this forum to push his bad ideas, like the March 9, 1937 broadcast which he dedicated to his “court packing” plan (see the description in the “Direct and Produce” for more on this). We here at CoBaD don’t know of any chats we have been in that were structured like that. FDR’s “fireside chats” are more like a speeches or lectures than chats. We’ll sit down and eat a microwaved dinner in front of a gas fireplace than passively listen to one of his “chats.” Dresden (off camera): “Gott im himmel! Oh, sorry, pardon my Vichy French.” - Refers to the Vichy France rump state which collaborated with Nazi Germany. References: Greasley, N. (2021, March 15). Revisiting the compilation of Matthew Paris’s Chronica majora: new textual and manuscript evidence. Taylor and Francis Online. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/03044181.2021.1897651 Historyguild.org. (2023, November 27). How those found guilty of treason were punished. https://historyguild.org/how-those-found-guilty-of-treason-were-punished/ Jay, A. and Lynn, J. (1986, February 27) Yes, Prime Minister. (Series 1, Episode 8) [TV Series Episode]. One of Us. BBC2. Wikipedia. Fireside chats. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fireside_chats Wikipedia. Garden Leave. Garden leave - Wikipedia Wikipedia. Hanged, drawn and quartered - Wikipedia Wikipedia. Vichy France. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vichy_France -------------------- Convulsions of Birth and Death (CoBaD) is a comedy sketch troupe founded in September, 2022 that posts skits on social media covering varied topics such as music, history, art, science, sports, literature and events encountered in everyday life. The title was inspired by Henry David Thoreau’s “Civil Disobedience” (1849), an essay written as a protest against the U.S. government taking his “gift” (i.e., his taxes), and wasting it in ways in which he did not approve (e.g., war and slavery). CoBaD writes sketches in the spirit of Thoreau, but instead of strictly casting its nets outwards towards governments and figures of authority, it projects its protest inwards by taking a humorous, lightheaded look at humanity and specifically those who take the greatest gift of all, life, and stupidly waste it on greed, narcissism, self-centeredness, petty-mindedness, arrogance, opportunism, power-grabbing, quid pro quo, the status quo, ulterior motives, and the most senseless and horrid waste of all, social media.

The first half of this sketch (the “WW2 Job Placement Services” commercial) was partially inspired by the frustrations a troupe member of ours had in applying for a job in human factors engineering. While the application for the job itself was relatively easy, the rest of the process, particularly the quality and timeliness of the responses from Human Resources, was atrocious. If he heard back from the firm at all, it was usually between two to four months. Most of the time the response was in the form of a vaguely worded rejection letter (reading something nebulous like “after careful consideration of your experience and professional background, we regret to inform you that you have not been selected for this position”). It was typically sent from a “Do Not Reply” email address, so there was no chance to get any sort of feedback from a human as to why the qualifications were insufficient, when it appeared to him from the job requisition that he clearly was qualified. Complicating matters is the fact that Human Resources doesn’t know skill sets, so they outsource their resume reviews to artificial intelligence and leave it to AI to filter out resumes based on keywords rather than by selecting resumes using their own sense of judgement (such as it is). It seems to us here at CoBaD that Human Resources departments are one of the biggest impediments to a partnership between a potential employee and an employer because they do not give applicants the personal attention and respect they deserve. None of this of course would be possible without hiring managers. This troupe member has had years of experience in the engineering field, and has interacted with many managers. While they may have been good engineers, they were for the most part dreadful mentors. It seems to us that if these managers would get some training and learn how to be decent mentors, and show they care about the growth of their protégés rather than obsessing about their own careers (the protégés are in fact the future of the company), they would be able to retain their employees and there wouldn’t be a need to call upon Human Resources to backfill vacancies. However, since Human Resources, as discussed above, have shown they are not doing a very good job at responding to their company’s needs, you have a cyclical problem that keeps on getting worse. General Dresden is simply taking a hyper-aggressive approach to job placement to free up the logjam. The second half of this sketch was partially inspired by a parenthetical expression from the Introduction of John Steinbeck’s 1939 novel “The Grapes of Wrath” written by Robert DeMott. In a parenthetical note on page xxii, Mr. DeMott noted “([the writer] Jackson. J. Benson was the first to recognize that, in a convoluted and unconventional way, the federal government underwrote Steinbeck’s research [into the demonstration camps].”) If this is true and the government knew Steinbeck was investigating the dire conditions of the migrant camps, why didn’t they clean them up right away rather than waiting for the novel to be released? The only reason we here at CoBaD think that FDR deliberately did this because he wanted to look like a bad boy to “dirty up” his image. Many historians think of Franklin Delano Roosevelt (1882-1945) as one of American’s greatest presidents. We here at CoBaD couldn’t disagree more. We feel that a good president should be proactive, and, when this is not possible, reactive. FDR was neither. FDR’s (and Congress’s) isolationistic stance (and the ensuing war that was the direct result of their isolationist policies) led to the unnecessary loss of millions of lives both home and abroad, and his (partially unconstitutional) New Deal did little to dig the country out of its economic slump (most historians seem to think the war did more to get the country out of its slump than Roosevelt’s policies did). So this sketch attempts to “pulls aside the curtain” and take a look at the buffoonish adulterer FDR who was, we believe, dangerously naïve in foreign affairs and grossly inept in domestic affairs. His extramarital affairs, however, are another story. Based on the number he had, he apparently was quite successful at those. Dresden: “We’ll teach you the FDR Method of fighting fires: 1. Lock all windows and doors, totally isolating ourselves from the outside world, 2. Once a fire starts, wait 10 years in order for it to rage completely out of control…” - In a clear jab at Roosevelt, John F. Kennedy, in his Cuban Missile Crisis speech on October 22, 1962, stated “The 1930s taught us a clear lesson: aggressive conduct, if allowed to go unchecked and unchallenged, ultimately leads to war.” Dresden: “To bide the time, sequester the fire crew in the West Wing of the fire station and play the acronym version of Scrabble for 16 hours a day,” - Refers to Roosevelt’s “alphabet agencies;” government agencies specifically set up by the President. Most were known only by their acronyms (e.g., CCC, FCC, FDIC, NLRB, SEC, TVA, etc.). About sixty-nine such agencies were created during Roosevelt’s tenure (1933-1945). The Scrabble game drawing was in fact a tribute to a 1930s editorial cartoon lampooning the alphabet agencies. Dresden: “And finally, sign a post-fire peace treaty with our pyromaniacs, politely requesting that if they do wish to start another fire in the future, to please keep it confined to their side of their 302 watchtower barbed wire festooned fence, ornamented with anti-tank mines instead of shrubs and embellished by beds of nails instead of roses to keep its beloved proletariat rabbits and Secret Squirrels from escaping to the west to decadently gorge themselves on lettuce and carrots.” – The “fence” here is a clear reference to the Berlin Wall. Dresden: “We don’t want to have to respond to another one of those wild Eastern Bloc parties because Stalin foolishly tried to deep fry a frozen dissident, setting fire to all the gulags in the street. You wouldn’t want to make us lodge an impotent protest with the U.N. now, would you?” - This line is a passing reference to another one of FDR’s foreign policy blunders; his blind trust of “Uncle Joe” Stalin. For example, when FDR was warned of the dangers of Stalin by his former Soviet ambassador William Bullitt, Jr., FDR replied, “I just have a hunch that Stalin is not that kind of a man…I think that if I give him everything I possibly can and ask for nothing from him in return, noblesse oblige, he won't try to annex anything and will work with me for a world of democracy and peace.” (Americanthinker.com, 2016). Having read all three volumes of Alexander Solzhenitsyn’s “The Gulag Archipelago,” we here at CoBaD can safely say that Roosevelt was even dumber than we depicted him in this sketch. FDR: “Yes, that’s right. This IS Secret Squirrel stuff, you know.” John: “Well if this is ‘Secret Squirrel stuff,’ then why the hell are you telling me all this?” Whose idea was it to keep FDR fully informed of his former name? Honestly, presidents should never be allowed to handle calcified information. FDR: “Oh. Well, anyway, please do sit down, Mr. Steinbeck.” (motions to chair) John: “Thank you, Mr. President.” (John squats on the ground.) FDR: “No, no, not on your hams. On the chair…” In “The Grapes of Wrath,” the men do a lot of “sittin’ on their hams,” i.e., squatting, vice sitting on the ground or on a chair. John: “Well, like I said on the phone, I’m a novelist from Sallisaw, Oklahoma…” - John Steinbeck was actually from Salinas, California. Tom Joad, the main character from “The Grapes of Wrath,” was from Sallisaw. John: “My latest serialization, 'The Grapes of Wrath,' concerned the hero’s trials and tribulations encountered during a trip with his fambly …” - The Joads always pronounced the word “family” as “fambly.” It is spelled as such in the novel. John: ”…Anyway, whilst on this fambly trip, our hero is simultaneously engaging in the life and death struggle of a roadside removal and replacement of a 1925 Dodge con-rod.” – From Chapter 16 of “The Grapes of Wrath.” The 1925 Dodge belonged to the Joads’ traveling companions, Ivy and Sairy Wilson. In a continuation of the roadside removal and replacement theme, the Joads would later jump start and fix a flat on their own car (a Hudson sedan converted into a truck) in Chapter 26. John: “The editor of the “Shade Tree Post-Dispatch,” who also happens to be the chief mechanic and lead singer of Downtown Gas …” FDR: “Oh, yeah, I’ve seen his infomercial. Very enterprising man, that Mr. Joel.” For more on this reference, see the “Stock Market” sketch. FDR: “Yes, just like one of my plain and simple addresses to the nation. Just be natural. Just look right into Fireside Camera number 1.” John: “Camera 1? Wasn’t he “Lamberted” after the Rimsky-Korsakov sketch?” For more on the fate of poor Camera 1, see the “Daydream Bleacher” and “Booth Estranges Diction” sketches. For more on Lambert, see the “Daydream Bleacher,” “I Tried Improvisation, Then I Was Perturbed” and “Booth Estranges Diction“ sketches. FDR: “Alright, Camera 4 then. Anyway, just look into the camera and begin when you’re ready...” - This segment of the skit was inspired by Jim Hacker’s classic ministerial broadcast rehearsal in “The Ministerial Broadcast” episode of “Yes, Prime Minister.” The hand gestures was inspired by the extremely ridiculous use of hands CoBaD has seen speakers make at conferences. John: “The Joads lost the farm to a cattle millionaire.” - The “millionaire” referred to here is the Shawnee Land and Cattle Company (see Chapter 6). John: “The bank said the Joads gotta move away from there. Said California is the place they oughta be. So they loaded up the truck and they moved…” In reading “The Grapes of Wrath,” we couldn’t help but see similarities between John Steinbeck’s classic novel and the 1960s sitcom “The Beverly Hillbillies.” For example, take the reaction of the senior members of the household when learning of their respective moves. In “The Beverly Hillbillies,” Granny sat in the rocking chair on the porch of old house and stubbornly refused to budge from her rocking chair and get on the truck. So Jed and Jethro picked up the chair (with Granny still in it), loaded in onto the back of the truck (a converted Oldsmobile roadster) and drove her to California. In Chapter 10 of “Grapes of Wrath,” it was Grampa Joad who was the stubborn one. He refused leave Uncle John’s house and get on the truck, so Ma Joad slipped a couple of tablespoons of some “soothin’ sirup [sic]” into his coffee (used to put Tom’s 10 year old brother Winfield to sleep when Winfield had bad earaches). When Grampa Joad fell asleep, the family loaded him into the back of the truck (a converted Hudson Super-Six sedan) and drove him to California. John: “My dear sweet Lord Jesus asleep in a manger!” - Ma Joad’s expression when her son Winfield told her that his sister Ruthie told some kids about Tom murdering two men (Chapter 28). We here at CoBaD love that expression. FDR: “Nah, I’ll stick with a profile shot. My full face view ain’t worth a plug nickel, if you know what I mean.” - True, FDR’s full face view ain’t worth a plug nickel. FDR’s PROFILE, however, is worth 10 cents. FDR’s profile is on the U.S. dime. FDR: “Yes, folks such as yourself who are reshaping the very definition of feminism. Folks who understand the value of women in society. Enough to, say, plagiarize the research of a woman whom, God willing, shall remain nameless, and publish the novel without giving her any credit…” - Alludes to charges made by Sondra Babb (1907-2005), who claimed John Steinbeck took her notes on the tent camps of the Dust Bowl migrants to California, and wrote “Grapes of Wrath” without giving her any credit. The book, titled “Whose Names Are Unknown,” was written in the 1930s and accepted by a major publisher shortly afterwards. However, because of its similarities to the “The Grapes of Wrath,” the book was shelved. “Whose Names Are Unknown” was finally published in 2004. FDR: “And the type that employs their ambitious, firebrand, independent-minded wife as a maid, typist, ghost writer, proofreader and press agent, valuing their fingers to the bone,” John’s wife Carol thought of the title of the novel. Carol’s work did not go unnoticed; John in fact dedicated “Grapes of Wrath” to her. FDR: “…then once the money starts rolling in, he starts fooling around behind her back with a 20 something year old Hollywood singer then demands a divorce. Brilliant. I tell ya, being a bad boy is almost second nature to you folks.” – The “Hollywood singer” referred to here was Gwyndolyn "Gwyn" Conger, who would later become John Steinbeck’s second wife after his divorce from Carol in 1943. FDR: “I want hobos in the soup kitchens all around the country to say to one other ‘Brother, can you spare a Roosevelt’ in that same sardonic tone of voice that people referred to shantytowns as ‘Hoovervilles.’” - Reference to the 1932 song “Brother, Can You Spare a Dime?” FDR: “Now here’s what I suggest we do. I will send J. Edgar Hoover on behalf of the Farm Security Administration out to the Joads in Beverly Hills.” – FDR’s "plot" to “dirty up” his image. See introduction paragraph above. FDR: “We’ll round up the Joads and force them into camps. Internment camps we’ll call them…” – This is of course referring to the camps used to intern German-Americans, Italian-Americans and particularly Japanese-Americans during World War II. For more on this, see the Description in the “Produce and Direct” sketch. FDR: “We’ll then turn the Joad place…um, sorry, what’d you call it again?” John: “A mansion…well, an open concept designed four-plex with modular canvas walls, giant single track sliding steel doors and an elevated cleated entryway.” FDR: “Oh. Well, anyway, we’ll run them and the three other famblies out of that railroad boxcar and turn it into Farmers’ Association’s palatial headquarters…” A railroad boxcar is where the Joads stayed when they picked cotton in Chapter 28. Four families lived in a boxcar, one in each corner. FDR: “We’ll then bring hundreds of migrants from central casting, rough them up, and house them with the Joads.” John: “Hundreds?” FDR: “Hundreds. And when I say hundreds, I mean thousands. Stuff it to the rafters. And throw in an outbreak of smallpox and a foot of standing water for good measure.” This is more a reflection of what John Steinbeck actually saw when he toured a California migrant camp in the winter of 1938 (see Robert DeMott’s notes, page xxviii). FDR: “Plus in addition to the pension and detail, I even get to be the first one to dip into that Ponzi scheme I just cooked up…what’s it called…” John: “Social Security?” FDR: “Yeah, that’s it.” In the Sept. 7, 2011 Republican presidential debate at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library, then Texas Governor Rick Perry famously called Social Security a Ponzi scheme. The difference between Social Security and a Ponzi scheme is that Social Security won’t fail because of a lack of investors (paying into Social Security is mandatory), but rather Social Security will fail because no one (politician, tax payer or retiree) is willing to make the sacrifice to keep the “scheme” going (raise taxes, raise the retirement age, and/or lower benefits). John: “Yes, sir. Wherever they’s a cop beatin’ up a guy, I’ll be there!” – Reference to Tom Joad’s famous line from Chapter 28. FDR: “Mum’s the word. Folks like us got to look out for one another. After all, you must attend to your affairs…” John: “And you must attend to yours…” As mentioned previously, FDR had numerous extra-marital affairs, among them, his private secretary, Marguerite LeHand, his wife’s secretary, Lucy Mercer Rutherfurd, and possibly one with Princess Märtha of Sweden. If this last affair is true, then perhaps FDR wasn’t so bad at establishing foreign relations after all. Can’t say the same for Crown Princess Märtha, though. References: Jay, A. and Lynn, J. (1986, January 16) Yes, Prime Minister. (Series 1, Episode 2) [TV Series Episode]. The Ministerial Broadcast. BBC2. Kennedy, J. F. (1962, October 22). Address During the Cuban Missile Crisis. https://www.jfklibrary.org/learn/about-jfk/historic-speeches/address-during-the-cuban-missile-crisis Orlando, R. (2016, July 16). Americanthinker.com. FDR’s Costly Enchantment with Stalin. https://www.americanthinker.com/articles/2016/07/fdrs_costly_enchantment_with_stalin.html Steinbeck, John (1992). The Grapes of Wrath. Penguin Books. (Original work published 1939). Wikipedia. Alphabet Agencies. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alphabet_agencies Wikipedia. Franklin D. Roosevelt. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Franklin_D._Roosevelt Wikipedia. John Steinbeck. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Steinbeck Wikipedia. Lucy Mercer Rutherfurd. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lucy_Mercer_Rutherfurd Wikipedia. Marguerite LeHand. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marguerite_LeHand Wikipedia. Princess Märtha of Sweden. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Princess_Märtha_of_Sweden Wikipedia. Whose Names Are Unknown. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Whose_Names_Are_Unknown -------------------- Convulsions of Birth and Death (CoBaD) is a comedy sketch troupe founded in September, 2022 that posts skits on social media covering varied topics such as art, history, literature, music, science, sports and events encountered in everyday life. The title was inspired by Henry David Thoreau’s “Civil Disobedience” (1849), an essay written as a protest against the U.S. government taking his “gift” (i.e., his taxes), and wasting it in ways in which he did not approve (e.g., war and slavery). CoBaD writes sketches in the spirit of Thoreau, but instead of strictly casting its nets outwards towards governments and figures of authority, it projects its protest inwards by taking a humorous, lightheaded look at humanity and specifically those who take the greatest gift of all, life, and senselessly and stupidly waste it on greed, narcissism, self-centeredness, petty-mindedness, arrogance, opportunism, power-grabbing, quid pro quo, the status quo, ulterior motives, and the most horrid waste of all, social media.

Mrs. Detering: “WW2 effectively threatened to injunction us into a smoking hole, hang us as war criminals and haul what’s left of our charred bodies before a cadaver synod chaired by His Holiness Pope FDR the First, Second, Third and Fourth unless we changed our name.” - The Cadaver Synod was an ecclesiastical trial held in Rome in January, 897 AD. Conducted by Pope Stephen VI, the defendant was the late Pope Formosus, who had been dead for about seven months. Stephen VI had Formosus's corpse exhumed from his tomb in St. Peter’s Basilica and brought to the papal court at the Basilica San Giovanni Laterano for judgment. Formosus was dressed in papal robes and propped up in a chair. A deacon answered on His Late Holiness’s behalf (well, Pope Stephen VI may have been a lunatic, but at least he believed in the right of the accused to a speedy trial and a court-appointed attorney). Stephen VI accused Formosus of perjury, of having seeking the papacy and illegally presiding as a bishop over two dioceses. At the end of the trial, Formosus was pronounced guilty. Formosus’s papacy was retroactively declared null, three fingers on his right hand were chopped off and he was buried in an unmarked grave. Stephen VI later returned to Formosus’s grave, dug him up and dumped his body in the Tiber River. Stephen VI was later thrown into prison by an angry mob and was found one day strangled in his cell. Formosus’s body was fished out of the river by Pope Theodore, and Pope John IX oversaw Formosus’s reinterment at St Peter’s Basilica. Mrs. Detering: “How else would you explain the court-packing plan of 1937, the National Recovery Administration and the ‘generous relocation packages’ he offered to over 130,000 German, Italian, and Japanese-Americans?” – Fed up with the Supreme Court striking down his New Deal legislation as unconstitutional, FDR proposed the Judicial Procedures Reform Bill of 1937 (colloquially referred to as the “Court Packing Plan”), which was his attempt to break the Supreme Court by packing it with New Deal friendly justices. In the creation of the bill, FDR argued that there is nothing in the Constitution that stated that there must be nine justices (one Chief Justice and eight Associate Justices). That much is true, that number was set by the Judiciary Act of 1869. The Judicial Procedures Reform Bill stated that for every justice that passed the age of 70 and failed to retire, a new justice must be appointed. FDR’s own party revolted against the bill, and it ultimately failed. The National Recovery Administration was FDR’s New Deal agency which intended to bring industry, labor, and government together to create codes of "fair practices" and set prices. Instead, the NRA became a bloated bureaucracy and a breeding ground for cartels which shut out small businesses, fostered brutal crackdowns by enforcement police for trivial transgressions, and encouraged the formation of black markets. Any businesses who chose not to join the NRA were boycotted. In 1935, the U.S. Supreme Court unanimously declared that the NRA law was unconstitutional, ruling that it infringed upon the separation of powers under the United States Constitution. The unjust incarceration of tens of thousands of Japanese-Americans during World War II (influenced no doubt by FDR’s deep-rooted racist beliefs against the Japanese) is well-documented (see Executive Order 9066), but little is said about the shoddy treatment of thousands of Italian-Americans and German-Americans (see Presidential Proclamation 2526 and the Alien and Sedition Act of 1798). While the Japanese-Americans and Italian-Americans received an apology for their internment, the German-Americans don’t appear to have received theirs yet. The Wartime Treatment Study Act of 2007 had hoped to change that. Senator Jeff Sessions of Alabama opposed the bill based on comments from a senior historian for the U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum, who argued that the bill's identical depiction of the treatment of Axis citizens and European Americans was 'outrageously exaggerated."' Stories from German-American interns tell a different story. They tell of 17 year old boys arrested at their high schools, men who were forced to shutter their businesses and of individuals who were held in internment camps until 1947, two years after the war ended. The bill passed the Senate, but failed to pass the House and therefore failed to become law. It is rather unfortunate that this “historian,” who is supposed to objectively analyze the history of these concentration camps and make assessments based on those findings, apparently chose instead to cave in to his biases and his bosses by letting them dictate what mistreatment is and what it isn’t. Man: “Oh, okay. Let’s see. Then it looks like you follow up with ‘All Quiet on the Western Front’ then you finish the season with ‘The Cherry Orchard?’ I don’t understand, Ms. Detering.” - Besides the reason Mrs. Detering gave, there is another significance of placing “All Quiet on the Western Front” before “The Cherry Orchard.” In chapter 11 of “All Quiet on the Western Front,” Detering, a farmer before he joined the war, was returning from the front line when he saw a cherry tree in a garden. Later that evening, he left his billet without permission, and came back with a couple of branches of cherry blossoms in his hand. “I have a big orchard with cherry trees at home. When they are in blossom, from the hay loft they look like one single sheet, so white. It is just the time.” Two days later, Detering deserted. He was captured by the military police attempting to run back to Germany. Detering was court-martialed, and very likely executed. Mrs. Detering: “Our season sponsor is also predicting a rather chilly winter. So we put ‘All Quiet on the Western Front’ in this season so that when we strike the set, we’ll simply pull the cherry trees from Mamochka’s nursery and plop them into the trenches and the artillery craters.” - The opening scene of Chekhov’s “The Cherry Orchard” (1904) takes place in a room called “the nursery.” Mrs. Detering: “The backdrop should be in blossom just in time for Chekhov’s classic comedy about a spendthrift family locking their 87 year old hearing impaired manservant inside an abandoned house.” – A reference to the last scene in Anton Chekhov’s “The Cherry Orchard.” Chekhov calls “The Cherry Orchard” “A Comedy in Four Acts.” He also called “The Seagull” (1896) “A Comedy in Four Acts.” “The Seagull” ends with Treplyov shooting himself (it was actually Treplyov’s second attempt to commit suicide). Early on in his career, under a pseudonym, Chekhov was a contributor to Russian humorous magazines, writing jokes and comedy sketches. No wonder he never succeeded in that venture. As a side note, on page 288 of the Extra Material section of “Plays: Anton Chekhov” (Alma Classics edition, 2018), it states that by 1884, Chekhov had published over 300 works and “Most of the stories were already, in a very understated way, depicting life’s ‘losers’ – such as the idle gentry, shopkeepers striving to unsuccessfully to make a living and ignorant peasants.” After having read that sentence, we here at CoBaD can see now that Chekhov’s most famous late works “The Seagull” (1896), “Uncle Vanya” (1899) “Three Sisters” (1901) and “The Cherry Orchard” (1904) are indeed, broadly speaking, very formulaic and predictable, using the "losers" theme over and over again. Man: “Oh, very clever. No one would ever mistake AOPA with the NRA OF D AIR…well, outside of Washington, anyway…” – AOPA, the Aircraft Owners and Pilots Association, an advocate for general aviation, is sometimes referred to in political circles as “The NRA (National Rifle Association) of the air” because its lobbying tentacles are as extensive as the NRA’s, reaching into every nook, cranny, crack, crevasse, pocket, war chest and ear in DC. Mrs. Detering: “I can see you’re just the man for our agricultural ops force.” - Indirect reference to Code of Federal Regulations Title 14, Part 137, “Agricultural Aircraft Operations,” commonly referred to as “crop dusting.” References: Harper, E. Atlas Obscura. The Cadaver Synod: When a Pope’s Corpse Was Put On Trial. 03 March 2014. https://www.atlasobscura.com/articles/morbid-monday-cadaver-synod CBS News. “WWII: U.S. Germans were ‘Enemy Aliens.’” 09 June 2007. https://www.cbsnews.com/news/wwii-us-germans-were-enemy-aliens/ Chekhov, A. (2018) Plays: Anton Chekhov. Translated by Hugh Aplin. Alma Classics, Surrey, U.K. National Archives and Records Administration. (2023, December). Code of Federal Regulations. https://www.ecfr.gov/current/title-14/chapter-I/subchapter-G/part-137 Remarque, E. M. (2013) All Quiet on the Western Front. Translated by A.W. Wheen. Random House. Wikipedia. Alien and Sedition Act. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alien_and_Sedition_Acts Wikipedia. Cadaver Synod. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cadaver_Synod Wikipedia. Executive Order 9066. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Executive_Order_9066 Wikipedia. Internment of German-Americans. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Internment_of_German_Americans Wikipedia. Internment of Italian-Americans. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Internment_of_Italian_Americans Wikipedia. Internment of Japanese-Americans. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Internment_of_Japanese_Americans Wikipedia. Judicial Procedures Reform Bill of 1937. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Judicial_Procedures_Reform_Bill_of_1937 Wikipedia. The National Recovery Administration. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_Recovery_Administration

This sketch was inspired by an incident a member of our troupe experienced a few years ago. He started taking piano lessons early in 2018 from a teacher who was an organist at a local church. In mid-2018, this troupe member learned that his brother had in his possession a violin from their late father, a music professor. This troupe member thought it would be fun to restore the violin, find a teacher, and learn to play it. In 2019, this troupe member showed up for his piano lesson at his teacher’s house. He tried to take a piano book out of his book bag but inadvertently took out one of his violin books instead. The piano teacher (a female) saw the violin book and looked at the troupe member almost as if he was her husband and she had just seen incriminating lipstick on his collar. So this troupe member wrote this sketch featuring Alexander Borodin (1833-1887), who excelled at chemistry and composing. And let’s face it folks, Borodin was, broadly speaking, just like our aforementioned violin/piano student, a two-timer. The “two-timer” reference in this sketch really reaches beyond the romantic aspect of the word. While many people may consider Borodin a very intelligent individual because he was good at two completely different fields, CoBaD doesn’t really share that opinion. Thanks to painful experience, CoBaD firmly subscribes to the “Jack of all trades, master of none” idiom. While Borodin was indeed good at chemistry and composing, CoBaD often wonders how much better a chemist he could have been had he solely focused on chemistry, or how much better a composer he could have been had he focused solely on music. To a smaller extent, having spoken to the aforementioned violin teacher referred to in the opening paragraph, switching back and forth between orchestras (specifically operas) and chamber music, as Mily Balakirev (1837-1910) did in this sketch, presents its own set of unique challenges as well. Caption: “Dammit, you imbeciles, it’s St. Petersburg, Russia, not St. Petersburg, Florida! Didn’t you learn anything from the R-K sketch?!” – For more on the background behind the background, see the “No, But If You Hum A Few Bars I’ll Name It” sketch. Caption: “Don’t make me Lambert your ass like I did to Camera One!” - For more on the “decorated” history of Lambert (specifically his decoration of rolled up scripts, music scores and coffee tables), see the “Daydream Bleacher,” “I Tried Improvisation, Then I Was Perturbed,” “Booth Estranges Diction” and the “No, But If You Hum A Few Bars I’ll Name It” sketches. For more on poor Mr. Camera 1, see the “Daydream Bleacher” and “Booth Estranges Diction” sketches. Mily: “Now if you need to take a quick poopy break, I’ve arranged with Hobson’s Choice Horse Rental Agency down the street to use his stalls. Now Hobbie’s a bit mean and an aggressive sort, but otherwise he’s simply darling!” – For more on the Hobson’s Choice Horse Rental Agency, see the “Earp Family Reunion” sketch. Mily: “You call that an opera? A five scene comedy? What a farce! It’s so inadequate!” – Mily here is referring to “Bogatyri (The Heroic Warriors)” (1878), an opera-farce in five scenes. Only one quarter of the music was originally composed by Borodin. The rest was based on music by Rossini, Meyerbeer, Offenbach, Serov and Verdi. Mily: “You can’t even last longer than one act with without calling for relief! “ - Borodin started work on “The Tsar’s Bride” (1867), but it never got past musical sketches. Those sketches are now lost. Incidentally, this line is almost verbatim what Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky (1840-1893) once said about Borodin, whom he claimed "has talent, even a strong one, but it has perished through neglect ... and his technique is so weak that he cannot write a single line [of music] without outside help." Borodin started “Prince Igor” in 1869. It too remained unfinished at the time of his death in 1887. It was completed by Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov and Alexander Glazunov. “Mlada” (1872) was a collaborate opera-ballet conceived by Stepan Gedeonov. The music was a collaborative effort between Borodin, César Cui, Modest Mussorgsky and Nikolay Rimsky-Korsakov (more on those last three composers later). Borodin wrote Act 4. The project was never completed. This “Mlada” should not be confused with Nikolay Rimsky-Korsakov’s opera-ballet of the same name, which premiered in 1890. Mily: “Now Verdi, he’s different! He can give me more! He can go longer! Grander! Multiple premieres!” - Several of Giuseppe Verdi’s operas in fact had multiple premieres: 1. Jerusalem (1847, a revision and translation of I Lombardi alla prima crociata (1843), 2. Giovanna de Guzman (1855, a revision and translation of Les vêpres siciliennes, 1855), 3. Le trouvère (1856, a revision and translation of Il trovatore, 1853), 4. Aroldo (1857, a revision of Stiffelio, 1850) 5. Macbeth (1847, 1865) 6. Don Carlo (1867a, 1867b, 1872, 1884, 1886) 7. La forza del destino (1862, 1869) 8. Simon Boccanegra (1857, 1881) Verdi: “Mily, don’t hang around with this here loser! Just say the word and we’ll travel! We’ll go to Milan and see Egypt! We’ll go to Naples and see Spain and France!” – Verdi opera “Aida” is based in Egypt. “Milan” here is referring to La Scala Opera House in Milan, Italy. While technically the opera premiered in Cairo, Egypt in 1871, Verdi considered the official premiere to be in La Scala on 8 February 1872. Verdi’s “Don Carlo” is based in France and Spain. Rewritten multiple times, it had five “premieres” (see above), the third one taking place in Naples in late 1872. Verdi: “And are you going to leave me for a man who plays with animal piss!?” - Borodin’s last publication discussed a method for the identification of urea in animal urine. Alexander (to Verdi): ”Kismet my ass, Verdi!!” - Much of the music in the musical “Kismet” was based on works by Alexander Borodin. Borodin was in fact given a posthumous Tony Award in 1954. Mily: “Here we are! ‘How to Play Redundant Piobaireachds on the Violin like Lindsey Stirling’!” – For more on redundant piobaireachds, see the “Crunluath a Mock” sketch. Mily: “Darn it!!! I do so hate barre class! Damn that Tchaikovsky! He never should have invented ballet!” – In the 1860s, Mily Balakirev led a group of Russian composers known as “The Five”: Balakirev, Alexander Borodin, César Cui, Modest Mussorgsky, and Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov. Note the conspicuous absence of Tchaikovsky from this group. This is mainly because “The Five” and Tchaikovsky had a difference of opinion on the direction of Russian classical music. “The Five” wanted to produce a specifically Russian kind of music. While Tchaikovsky wasn’t opposed to writing music that was distinctly Russian (e.g., some of his works, such as his “1812 Overture,” borrow Russian folk songs), Tchaikovsky for the most part wanted to write compositions that would follow European styles and techniques, thereby crossing national barriers. In addition, none of “The Five” was academically trained in composition. Balakirev, the overbearing, often dictatorial leader of “The Five,” in fact considered academics a threat to musical imagination. Balakirev repeatedly attacked the Saint Petersburg Conservatory, its founder, Anton Rubinstein, and one of its most famous graduates, Tchaikovsky, both orally and in print. Balakirev and Tchaikovsky would later become friends, but not intimately so, as their philosophies were still (and would remain) worlds apart. References: IMSLP. List of works by Aleksandr Borodin. https://imslp.org/wiki/List_of_works_by_Aleksandr_Borodin Wikipedia. Aida. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aida Wikipedia. Alexander Borodin. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexander_Borodin Wikipedia. List of compositions by Giuseppe Verdi. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_compositions_by_Giuseppe_Verdi Wikipedia. Mily Balakirev. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mily_Balakirev Wikipedia. Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky and The Five. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pyotr_Ilyich_Tchaikovsky_and_The_Five

The father of a member of our troupe performed with the National Music Camp (now called the Interlochen Center for the Arts) National High School Orchestra in Interlochen, Michigan in the summer of 1952. The member was able to obtain copies of the NMC’s Sunday evening broadcasts and enjoyed listening to them over and over again. One of the pieces performed was Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov’s “Scheherazade,” which was the inspiration for this skit. Caption: “The Study of Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov St. Petersburg, Florida, October 21, 1888.” - John C. Williams and Peter Demens co-founded Saint Petersburg, Florida in 1888. The city was named after Saint Petersburg, Russia, where Mr. Demens once lived. Nikolai: “Oh, good, the maid is here with my Cappuccino Español. Just put it there on the table, please.” - The “Capriccio Espagnol” is a five movement orchestral suite which premiered on 31 October 1887 in St. Petersburg, Russia. It is based on Spanish folk melodies. The maid is humming an excerpt from the fourth movement ("Scene and Gypsy Song"), which was featured in the 1998 Pizza Hut commercial famously starring former Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev. Nikolai: “Look, it’s very simple! Stop humming “Scheherazade!” You can hum, Scheherazade, but for the love of God, if you can’t stop humming “Scheherazade,” then please don’t hum, Scheherazade! Clear!?” – It appears to us that Mr. Rimsky-Korsakov could have avoided this whole mess if he didn’t name his piece after his maid. Nikolai: “That’s Mr. Rimsky-Korsakov to you, Miss Pskov! Don’t you dare call me by that name again! Remember your place! Don’t make me rewrite you up again!” – Mr. Rimsky-Korsakov rewrote much of the work he composed prior to 1880, including his opera “The Maid of Pskov” (incidentally, the opera isn’t actually about a cleaning maid; “maid” in this case is referring to a maiden). The opera, also known as “Ivan the Terrible,” was originally written between 1868-1872, rewritten from 1876-1877, and rewritten yet again in 1891-1892. We here at CoBaD don’t think of rewriting as a sign of weakness; Giuseppe Verdi, for example, rewrote several of his operas. CoBaD has rewritten and re-recorded skits several times, and our cartoonist has used his fair share of white out (especially, fittingly enough, on this sketch). However, we feel that there comes a time when one simply has to let go and just move on to other works. Nikolai: “Not now. Anyway, will you stop humming Scheherazade, Scheherazade? Honestly, you’ve been humming the first movement every single night now for the past 2 years, 8 months and 27 days including the end date! It’s driving me mad!” – Scheherazade is the main character in the fable “One Thousand and One Nights.” We think, though, that if the original Scheherazade had chosen to sing the same first movement over and over again rather that the tale telling strategy that she originally chose, she probably wouldn’t have made it past the first week. Scheherazade: “You mean ‘The Sea and Sinbad’s Catamaran?’ May I remind you that YOU wrote it, Mr. R hyphen K…“ - Refers to “The Sea and Sinbad’s Ship.” Nikolai: “Do you mean ‘The Calendar Princesses?’” – Refers to the second movement, “The Kalendar Prince.” Scheherazade: “Okay then, how about I hum something from last two movements, you know, ‘The Lifeguard and the Paddleboarding Chick’ or ‘Spring Break at Baghdad, The Pontoon Boat, and The Beer Cooler Goes Overboard?’” – Refers to “The Young Prince and The Young Princess” and “Festival at Baghdad. The Sea. The Ship Breaks against a Cliff Surmounted by a Bronze Horseman.” Nikolai: “No, they have bits of that damn violin theme in it, too. Redundant Variations on a Redundant Theme. Dreadful. Just like a piobaireachd competition.” – For more on this reference, see the “Crunluath a Mock” sketch. Nikolai: “Look, Scheherazade, if you’re really serious about breaking into the music publishing business, you should consider investing in something with a better return rate than low-interest symphonic suites. You should consider my get rich quick scheme of operas.” - Starting in 1889, Mr. Rimsky-Korsakov dedicated himself almost exclusively to composing operas. Scheherazade: “Buzz off queen!! This is my hive!” – For more on the history of Lambert, see the “Daydream Bleacher,” “I Tried Improvisation, Then I Was Perturbed” and “Booth Estranges Diction“ sketches. Nadezhda: “My name! My name! AHHH!! Where’s my name!? Scheherazade!! Nikolai, honey!! I have a guest calling on me, but I don’t know what to call myself! I gotta find it!! AHHH!!” - Nadezhda Rimskaya-Korsakova (1848-1919) was a Russian pianist and composer, and the wife of Mr. Rimsky-Korsakov. Their relationship was very similar to the one between Robert Schumann and his wife Clara. Nadezhda: “…Wait a minute. What am I thinking!? That’s Nikolai Gogol, my favorite short story writer, at the door. I’ll just do a Gogol search, he’ll tell me who I am (Smacks herself on the head). DUH!!” - Nikolai Gogol (1809-1852) was a novelist, short story writer and playwright. One of Mr. Gogol’s stories, “Christmas Eve,” was turned into operas by Tchaikovsky and Rimsky-Korsakov. As you can see, Nikolai was able to find the house, so clearly he didn’t use Gogol Maps. Nadezhda: “Alright, alright, I’m coming! Keep your nose on!” - Mr. Gogol’s most bizarre short story, “The Nose,” was made into an opera by Russian composer Dimitri Shostakovich. Voiceover: “Scheherazade’s cervical correction was provided by Republican Chiropractors.” - In Sophie Gengembre Anderson’s imagined portrait, Scheherazade is inexplicably tilting her head to her right. Caption: “Reactionary alignments available! See Rumble podcasts for details!” – We think that should read “Reactionary alignments available! See OUR Rumble podcasts for details.” Republican Chiropractors’ “reactionary alignments” is of course referring to its own channel, and is in no way, shape or form making a generalization about all Rumble channels. Heavens, everyone knows that Rumble is no place to find reactionary podcasters, especially those “freedom of speech” advocates who focus more on the depth aspects of their freedoms rather than their breadth by harping on the same tired old handful of subjects over and over again. Resources: Wikipedia. Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nikolai_Rimsky-Korsakov Wikipedia. One Thousand and One Nights. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/One_Thousand_and_One_Nights Wikipedia. Scheherazade. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scheherazade_(Rimsky-Korsakov)

Inspired by the urban myth that many aspiring actors and actresses work in restaurants waiting tables while waiting for their “big break.” To us here at CoBaD, it seems like such an awful waste to spend all that time in acting school only to work at an establishment unrelated to their profession. To us it makes far more sense to work at an actor-owned small business establishment such as Electlocution where they get to apply their elocution and diction skills in a real-life setting. Ella Food-Poisoning: "Hang on, hang on. I sense improvisation here…Oh, good.” – For more on this, see the “I Tried Improvisation, Then I Was Perturbed” sketch. Waiter: “Your lunch delivery leaves something to be desired, Madame. Try it again, but his time, like an honest to God sex kitten. Like Brigitte Bardot…and more pouting this time.” – Our favorite scenes from Ms. Bardot’s movies were where she was sulky, brooding, pouty and was generally pissed off. We loved those. Waiter: “I recommend Marlene Dietrich with your duck. Extra breathy. And straddle your chair.” – The chair straddling was made famous by Ms. Dietrich in her 1930 movie “The Blue Angel,” although Ella’s impersonation of Ms. Dietrich was actually inspired by Madeline Kahn’s impersonation of Ms. Dietrich in the 1974 movie “Blazing Saddles.” Sam Food-Poisoning: “Yond Cassius’s wife has a lean and hungry look: She thinks too much: such women are dangerous. Centurion!! Take her plate!! Seize her salad!!” – Based on Act 1, Scene 2 of William Shakespeare’s “Julius Caesar”: “Yond Cassius has a lean and hungry look: He thinks too much: such men are dangerous.” Sam: “’Not that I loved Caesar less, but that I loved Rome more.’ I’ll have the Grand Aioli.” – Brutus’s line from Act 3, Scene 2 of “Julius Caesar.” Sam wishes to make it clear that does not hate the Caesar salad by ordering an entrée, he is merely suggesting in a metaphorical sense that he is hungry for a meatier (seafoodier?) role on the stage. He is also implying to the waiter in the clearly French-themed restaurant that while French cuisine is good (note Ella generally stuck to French cuisine), he simply loves Rome (specifically Italy) more by selecting the French/Italian dish Grand Aioli. Grand Aioli is a fennel, vegetable and seafood dish from Provence, a region in southeast France bordering Italy where Italian and French cuisines (like the Grand Aioli) blend together. Sam: "I will pass no wine before its time. A Piss-on Rosé, if you please.” - Based on “We will sell no wine before its time,” the tagline for the Paul Masson winery, which Orson Welles promoted in commercials in the late 1970s and early 1980s. His exploits as a pitchman are touched on briefly in the skit “O Crispy Peas.” Mr. Food-Poisoning’s attire in this scene pays tribute to Mercury Theater’s highly acclaimed 1937 production of “Julius Caesar.” In that adaption of Shakespeare’s classic play, the setting is moved forward to the 1930s and portrays Julius Caesar as a fascist dictator and depicts Brutus (played by Orson Welles) as a hero. Cheferee Ed Hamhock: The ruling at the table is being challenged.” – A sendup of CoBaD’s favorite (now retired) NFL referee, Ed Hoculi. He was nicknamed “Hocules” (a derivation of Hercules) for his rather large, muscular physique (6 feet 2 inches tall, 230 pounds), very unusual for an official. Mr. Hoculi, a lawyer by trade, is known for his comprehensive yet concise explanations of decisions made on the field. CoBaD firmly believes that if you are bringing an individual to a football game that knows absolutely nothing about football, you want to go when someone like Ed Hoculi is the referee. He is good at explaining calls in such a way that the newbie fan can understand while at the same time not insulting the intelligence of the experienced fan. He can at times can even educate the experienced fan; for example, in the 1:27 mark of the Ed Hoculi Over-Explaining Things Compilation link below, he clearly explains why the touchdown was overturned and ruled an incomplete pass. Even the announcers calling the game weren’t aware of the rule. His explanation of overtime rules in the clip that immediately followed (2:08), was quite good too, even though the more boorish fans in the crowd were clearly getting quite restless. Michael: “Everyone in the restaurant is looking on, X-ing and posting to their Facebook pages with concern…” - Mocks people who break out their cell phones and take to social media and insensitively and selfishly try to insert themselves in a breaking (and sometimes grisly) news story, all for the sake of boosting the number of followers on their X (Twitter) account and views on their Facebook pages, with the hopes of getting their tweets and videos (and perhaps scoring an interview) on the evening news. Michael: “Meanwhile outside the restaurant traffic in both directions has slowed to a standstill as cars are slowing down to take a look at the scene...As you can see, it’s those that are going down the block, flipping a bitch and coming back around to take another look that are particularly making matters worse… Color Commentator: Rubbernecking, America’s favorite spectator sport…” Michael’s comment and the accompanying cartoon rips on individuals who slow down (in both directions) at the scene of an accident to take a look at the damage (also known as rubbernecking). Rubbernecking is not only rude and exacerbates traffic congestion, but it is also dangerous because it means drivers are taking their eyes off of the road. We here at CoBaD don't stare at accidents unless it means we have to navigate through an accident scene directly in our line of sight. We don’t like staring at car accidents any more than we like people stating at us when we get in car accidents. We simply want to show some respect to our fellow drivers. Leave it to enterprising folks like Dr. Steven Milkman to take advantage of such mass idiocy by setting up ticket taking booths on either end of the accident, marketing it as a Drive-Thru Safari and charging exorbitant Disneyland-type admission prices. Replay booth picture – Behind Ed Hamhock is a framed caricature of Ed Hamhock drawn in the style of Al Hirschfeld. Al Hirschfeld (1903-2003) was famous for his black and white portraits of celebrities. His drawings are often seen in Hollywood themed restaurants. Cheferee: “The dry Piss-on Rosé with its aromas of cherry and cotton candy, balanced with a very mild floral bouquet and hint of spices, provides a perfect match for a heavy fennel-infused Provençal dish such as Le Grand Aioli.” – The Piss-on Rosé description here is based on the Paul Masson Rosé. Waiter: “(to Cheferee) Go to hell, Ed. (to Sam) Et tu Brute!” - From “Et tu, Brute?—Then fall, Caesar.” Brutus’s famous line from Act 3, Scene 1 of “Julius Caesar.” For more on The Fuchsia Stuttering Center, see the “I Tried Improvisation, Then I Was Perturbed” sketch. References: Avignon-et-provence.com. The Grand Aioli. https://www.avignon-et-provence.com/en/way-life/provencal-gastronomy/provence-recipes/grand-aioli Bibard, F. (2022, August 30). How to Order Food in a French Restaurant Like a Local. Talkinfrench.com. https://www.talkinfrench.com/how-to-read-a-french-menu/ Dedaluswine.com. Le Grand Aioli. https://dedaluswine.com/collections/le-grand-aioli Drink and Pair (2023). Duck à l’Orange & Wine Pairing. https://drinkandpair.com/blog/duck-a-lorange-wine-pairing/ Highlight Heaven. Ed Hoculi Over-Explaining Things Compilation. YouTube.com. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AWElFC1zHjs Paul Masson Rosé. ABC Fine Wine & Spirits. https://www.abcfws.com/paul-masson-rose/723409 Royal Shakespeare Company. Famous Quotes. https://www.rsc.org.uk/julius-caesar/about-the-play/famous-quotes WhatToWatch. The Funniest: Ed Hochuli's Most Memorable Calls. YouTube.com. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PJ1HByJSIkE Wikipedia. Ed Hoculi. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ed_Hochuli

A tribute (of sorts) to the 1981 hit song “867-5309/Jenny” written by Alex Call and Jim Keller and performed by Tommy Tutone. The premise of the skit, though, was actually inspired by a letter a member of our troupe received from a charity which has fuchsia as its dominant color. The front of the envelope said that he was cordially invited to an “event.” He had donated to the charity before, so he was quite elated to receive this letter, thinking it was perhaps a donor party. He had never been invited to a donor party before. He was looking forward to going to the party and meeting fellow donors and hearing from people who were helped by the non-profit. When he opened the letter, he got quite a different story. The non-profit was wasn’t inviting him to a donor party, rather it was inviting him to participate in a fund raiser. Essentially, he felt like the charity wasn’t asking him to come to this “event,” rather, this charity was asking his credit card to come to the event. Needless to say, he never gave to the non-profit again. This sketch is a spoof of that moment where the non-profit takes fund raising to the next level, bypassing the “middle man” (i.e., the cardholder, Jenny E. Tutone) and talking directly to the card (Mr. 5309). Opening scene: The opening scene is poking fun at the “Sitting is the New Cancer/Sitting is the New Smoking” movement. Many studies have linked extended sitting to such illnesses as obesity, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, cardiovascular disease and cancer-related deaths. Standing desks have been proposed as remedies, presumably by commission-hungry salesmen, overpaid ergonomists desperately trying to justify keeping their jobs by designing new and difficult-to-use devices, and CEOs looking to maximize their stock bonuses on their overpriced, American-researched, European-designed and Chinese-manufactured office furniture (pardon our off-the-cuff cynicism). However, we at CoBaD argue that there is really more to consider here: factors such as stress (at work and home), genetics (e.g., history of high blood pressure), and, most important of all, lifestyle choices (exercise, sleeping and eating habits) all play a role in an individual's health (or lack thereof). All of these factors must be taken into consideration when looking at causes of obesity, high blood pressure, etc. And even if working at a standing desk decreases a worker’s risk of cancer (and as you can see, cancer is linked to just about everything in life), he or she puts himself at other risks with standing desks, as standing all day can lead to illnesses such as varicose veins and foot discomfort. It just seems to us here at CoBaD that simply getting up and walking around from your seated desk every hour is a better way of combating the “New Cancer” rather than lining a corporation's pockets by purchasing their cancer-free office furniture. Finally, there is the increased disruption that results from working at standing desks. A member of our troupe took an industrial ergonomics class many years ago and seemed to recall that a person should take a brief break from a sitting posture (e.g., stand up, stretch and walk around) every 60 minutes before sitting back down for another hour. If one is in a standing posture, then one needs to take a break every 30 minutes. Standing desks, unless you are a horse, cow or a sleeping camel (or other such animals who have the God-given stamina to stand for long durations) will just lead to an overall reduction in work productivity compared to conventional seated desks. So it appears to us here at CoBaD that standing desk advocates are essentially thinking like Alfred Hitchcock who once famously said “I deny that I have ever said actors are cattle. What I said was: ‘Actors should be treated like cattle.’” Caller: "Good evening. Is this Ms. Jennifer E. Tutone?" - Jenny’s middle initial is E. Her middle name, of course, is Eightsixsevenfivethreeohnine. Director: “Improv is in direct violation of your Work Made for Hire Agreement!” – A Work Made for Hire Agreement is basically a contract between a contributor (e.g., an actor or an actress) and an organization he or she is contributing to (such as CoBaD). Director: “Title 14, Chapter 1, Subchapter 4, part 91 subpart b section 123, paragraph a stipulates: ‘When a sketch has been rehearsed, no actor or actress in command may improvise in that sketch unless an edited script is obtained from the director (c’est moi), an emergency break in the routine exists, or the deviant behavior is in response to a turning point conflict resolution punchline. An actor or actress may cancel a line if and only if the operation is being conducted in improv conditions. All improv activity, to wit: lazy, meandering and hideously and embarrassingly unfunny and forgettable performances, in perpetuity, throughout the universe, in any and all media whether now or later known or devised, and by any and all technologies and means of delivery whether now or later known or devised, are confined to the director’s bedroom only.’ And your Payment clause states: ‘Director’s payment obligation is conditioned on Contributor’s full performance of all of the Services and obligations.’ And since this is not my bedroom, no taste of honey!” - This is a spoof of the Code of Federal Regulations (Aerospace and Space) paragraph “Compliance with Air Traffic Control Clearances and Instructions.” The paragraph actually reads: “When an ATC clearance has been obtained, no pilot in command may deviate from that clearance unless an amended clearance is obtained, an emergency exists, or the deviation is in response to a traffic alert and collision avoidance system resolution advisory. However, except in Class A airspace, a pilot may cancel an IFR flight plan if the operation is being conducted in VFR weather conditions. When a pilot is uncertain of an ATC clearance, that pilot shall immediately request clarification from ATC.” The joke here is the juxtaposition of flying and comedy. A member of our troupe took both improv and comedy sketch writing classes. He also took airplane flying lessons and has a private pilot license and an instrument rating. He felt that sketch comedy is very much like flying under Instrument Flight Rules (IFR): very set, rigid, and all participants (in the case of flying, the pilot and air traffic control, and in the case of comedy sketches, the cast and crew) know what is coming next. Improv, on the other hand, is very much like flying under Visual Flight Rules (VFR): more freedom, but just like VFR flying is limited to specific weather conditions (e.g., cloud cover and visibility), improv comedy is limited to audience suggestions. The director’s line “All improv activity, to wit: lazy, meandering and hideously and embarrassingly unfunny and forgettable performances…” is a jab at the drawbacks of improv. Many bad premises are generated on the stage, but because the players are stuck with what the audience suggested, and they have a set time they have to fill on stage, these “meandering and hideously and embarrassingly unfunny…performances” go on much, much longer than they should. For example, in one improv performance we had the misfortune to witness, an audience member suggested to a male and female improv player that they play a scene set in the year 1812. It was very painful to watch because it was immediately obvious that these two performers didn’t have a clue about what happened in the year 1812. So rather than make references to the War of 1812 in America, the 1812 French invasion of Russia, or even Tchaikovsky’s classic “1812 Overture,” it went on and on about nothing whatsoever related to 1812, and ended with the actress trying to sound like she knew what she was doing by exclaiming that everything she sees is sepia toned, apparently unaware that photography wasn’t even around in 1812. The “lazy” and “forgettable” jabs are actually referring to the good improv premises generated by improv performers. This troupe member has personally participated in three improv student showcases and has attended many more. There are many good premises that are generated on the improv stage, but unfortunately, unlike sketches, they are never written down and preserved for posterity. So when the show is over and the audiences go home (and eventually "forget" the show) and performers (who are too “lazy” to write down what they just did), the great premises are left on the stage to die. Such a sad waste. Director: “With pleasure, 53, my loves! I’ll bee right over, you naughty drone! Feel the wrath of my smooth rounded stinger! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz…” - Only female bees (worker bees and queen bees) can sting. Worker bees have barbed stingers and sting to defend the hive. The drawback with the barbed stinger is that in order to free themselves, the worker bees have to tear themselves apart, leaving behind their stinger as well as some of their abdomen, which means that they are truly giving their lives for their hives. Queen bees, on the other hand, have smooth stingers, which allows them to sting over and over again. Unlike the worker bees, though, queen bees do not sting as a form of hive defense per se, but rather as a means of taking out challengers to their “throne.” Jenny Tutone: “Buzz off, queen! You ain’t chargin’ up my card no more! Cause this is MY hive!! COMPRENEZ-VOUS???!!!” – Queen bees do not mate with drones of their own hive. The queen bee is in fact the mother of all the bees in her colony, which would mean she would be mating with her brothers and sons. So in order to reproduce, she goes on mating flights. She leaves the hive, and finds drones from other hives to breed with, then returns to her home hive to lay the eggs. So at the outset of this sketch what appeared to be a husband and wife relationship actually turned out to be more like a mother and son relationship; specifically, a cardholder "mother" protecting her credit card "son" against repeated, unauthorized and improvisational “charging.” Director: “Mais oui, Madame Deux Tons. Ugh! I can taste my stinger!!!” – The moral of the story: Don’t mess with the queen bee. You’ll only get stung. Twice. References: Greenwood, D. (2022, July, 2). Do queen bees sting? Beehivehero.com. https://beehivehero.com/do-queen-bees-sting/ National Archives and Records Administration. (2023, September). Code of Federal Regulations. https://www.ecfr.gov/current/title-14/chapter-I/subchapter-F/part-91/subpart-B/subject-group-ECFRe4c59b5f5506932/section-91.123 Quoteinvestigator.com (2013, August 1). All Actors Are Cattle. https://quoteinvestigator.com/2013/08/01/all-actors-are-cattle/ Roberts, A. (2023, September 10). Sitting Is the New Cancer: Health Hazards of Prolonged Sitting. Autonomous.ai. https://www.autonomous.ai/ourblog/sitting-is-the-new-cancer-unveiling-health-risks Wikipedia. 867-5309/Jenny. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/867-5309/Jenny

Like the “Pleasure Doing Business” sketch, this sketch was inspired by James Thurber’s “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty,” except that in this skit, Dalton has no control of his daydream. It’s a very worrisome sign when you can’t control the fate of your own daydream. It appears that his family is made of stronger stuff than his co-workers at Tom Quixote Supermarket, as they don’t care to be thrust back in time to their younger, un-“Happy Days” to play supporting actors and actresses in Dalton’s very own 1970s situation comedy. Voiceover and Caption: “October 21st…” - The day to which Doc Brown and Marty McFly travelled to in “Back to the Future Part II,” although they traveled to October 21st, 2015, not October 21st, 1975. Voiceover and Caption: “…in a race against time to defend his family against the greatest enemy he has ever faced: Swiss Steak Night!” – A member of our troupe grew up in a household where once in a while (usually on Sundays), the dinner was Swiss Steak. Contrary to what the skit states, Swiss Steak actually has nothing to do with Switzerland. It’s called Swiss Steak because of the way it is prepared. “Swissing” refers to pounding or passing something through rollers in order to tenderize it. It’s often done to tougher cuts of meat (in this case, round steak) in order to make it more palatable and quicker to cook. Nevertheless, this troupe member still found it tough to swallow, literally speaking. While his mother is a good cook, he would chew on the Swiss Steak over and over and over again before it would finally be broken down enough so he could swallow it. Too much work for what is supposed to be a time to relax. Mother: “Don’t repeat yourself, son. You sound like that Squire Allworthy from the ‘Tom Jones’ sketch.” - One of the things that annoys us here at CoBaD about sitcoms (particularly sitcoms of the 1970s) is when a favorite character walks in with a line, then gets wild applause (e.g., The Fonz from “Happy Days” or Lenny and Squiggy from “Laverne and Shirley”). When the applause finally dies down, the actor will sometimes say the initial line again, as if the audience, in their enthusiasm, had forgotten the character’s train of thought. From the other characters’ perspective (who are obviously oblivious to the applause), it sounds like the favorite character is simply repeating himself for no apparent reason. For more on Squire Allworthy, see the “Bundle of Workplace Comfort and Joy” sketch. Dalton: “His name is Floyd McPatrick, and he has this car called a Mandalorian…” – For more on Floyd McPatrick, see the sketch “What’s New Is Old Again.” Mother: “Don’t pause mid-sentence, Arthur. You sound like that redneck from the Picasso sketch.” - Another thing that annoys us about sitcoms in general (not just ones from the 1970s). A character will start his line with a joke, which gets a prolonged laugh halfway through his sentence. He pauses until the laughter dies down, then finishes his sentence, making him appear to the other characters (who are, again, unaware of the audience) as being lost in thought and rather dim-witted. It’s just about as irritating as an audience “aww”-ing every time a child appears on screen or utters a line. For more on Arthur, see the “I’m Gonna Rearrange Your Face” sketch. Father: “…and behind the TV there’s nothing but a multiple-camera setup and a hand-picked 'live' studio audience that’s told what clothes to wear and submissively laughs on demand!” – Inspired by an article about the talk show “The View.” Studio audience members for the talk show were specifically selected based on the demographic the show wished to attract, and therefore had to look and behave in a certain way. Audience members were told in advance what to wear (bright colors, no solid blacks or whites, no tank tops, no t-shirts, etc.) and were told by the warm up comedian and the floor manager when to enthusiastically clap and cheer, while at the same time not reacting when they suddenly realized they were on camera. Anyone refusing to follow these orders was expelled. Father: “Your flimsy strategy may work for a production of Mozart’s ‘Cosi Fan Tutte’ where all you have to worry about is taking a financial bath because you alienated your older season ticket holders because they want their 18th century costumes and scenery, and STILL couldn’t attract the younger crowd because they don’t want the 18th century music and libretto…” – A member of our troupe was a season ticket holder for a famous opera company. One year, the opera company held a minimalist production of Mozart's “Cosi Fan Tutte,” where the setting was moved forward from the 18th century to modern times (with an all-white backdrop in some scenes), with Despina wearing a white pants suit and drinking Starbucks coffee. The “financial bath” was actually referring to another victim of “relevancy” and “accessibility.” That same opera company’s production of Verdi’s “Rigoletto” the prior year moved the setting from the 16th century up to 1930s Italy. We think this production did poorly at the box office for the reasons stated by Arthur. The sad thing is that these updates were unnecessary as both “Cosi Fan Tutte” and “Rigoletto” are “cash cows,” i.e., they are so well-written that they will sell tickets; they will bring in opera lovers. CoBaD is of the opinion that it’s when opera companies try to tinker with these masterpieces in order to attract a younger crowd that they “lose their shirts,” and not only fail to capture the younger audience they were shooting for, but also drive the older audience away. Dalton: "...and parading around in striped pajamas in public!" - Dalton here is referring to the tricolor (yellow, blue and red) uniform of the Pontifical Swiss Guards (members of the Swiss Armed Forces who are assigned to keep order at the Vatican). A member of our troupe actually got a close up look at a replica of the uniform when he played a Swiss Guard in a production of Puccini's opera "Tosca." Presumably the Swiss Guards are assigned halberds in case someone makes fun of their uniforms. Dalton: “Hang on, wait a second, I think lightning just struck the airport tower; I’m getting 5G coverage again.” - Just like the lightning striking the clock tower (representing time) propelled Marty McFly forward in time from 1955 to 1985, lightning striking the Television Airport tower (representing communication) propelled Dalton Sidney’s smart phone reception from 1975 (nonexistent) to the present day (5G). Dalton’s line is alluding to the (now resolved) debate on concerns that 5G deployment could interfere with an aircraft’s radar altimeter (a device that determines how close the aircraft is to the ground in low-visibility conditions) that operates close to antennas in 5G networks. The issue was ultimately resolved when aircrafts upgraded their altimeters. Director: ”…and Scan to Computer…” - Since CoBaD uses drawings, we don’t say “print,” which is the director’s way of saying that the scene performed by live actors and actresses is good and is to be kept. Rather, we use the term “Scan to Computer” which is our way of saying that the drawing is good and ready to be electronically preserved. Dalton: “Well, I guess Alvin isn’t ready for the gig economy yet. But his kids are gonna love it.” - Rephrasing of Marty McFly’s famous line from “Back to the Future” (1985) when Marty McFly was playing electric guitar at the school dance. Voiceover and Caption: “'Daydream Bleacher' was preformed live on phlegm and taped to a light, stodgy old orifice.” – A spoof of the line spoken by Rob Reiner during the closing credits of “All in the Family:” “’All in the Family’ was recorded on tape before a live audience.” Voiceover: “'Daydream Bleacher' has been brought to you by…Soft Summer Breeze Fan Company of Mount Washington, New Hampshire. Family owned and operated since 1927. We are SSBFC, where a soft breeze is always relative.” - In the background near the end of the skit were two people reenacting a scene from the 1952 musical “Singin’ in the Rain.” It was a parody of the “You Were Meant for Me” number sung by Don Lockwood (played by Gene Kelly) to Kathy Selden (played by Debbie Reynolds). In the scene, set in 1927, Donald takes Kathy to an empty Hollywood stage and tries to put her in a romantic mood by mimicking elements found in nature: a “beautiful sunset,” which is a backdrop backlit by stage lighting, “mist from a distant mountain,” which is a fog machine, “moonlight,” which is really a spotlight, a “soft summer breeze,” which is actually a wind machine, and so forth. Unfortunately, our Don Lockwood didn’t realize that the wind machine he was using was manufactured by the Soft Summer Breeze Fan Company of Mount Washington, New Hampshire. The joke here is that Mount Washington is the windiest place in the United States. Its top wind, recorded on April 12, 1934, was 231 miles per hour. It has an average annual wind speed of 35 miles per hour, with hurricane force winds (greater than 75 mph) about 100 days a year. So as you can imagine, a “soft summer breeze” is actually quite intense. Relatively speaking, of course. References: Donen, S. & Kelly, G. (Directors). (1952). Singin’ in the Rain [Film]. Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer. Echazabal, T. (2012, December 5). The language of making movies. Videomaker. https://www.videomaker.com/article/c18/15653-the-language-of-making-movies/ Emilia, D. (2023, September 01). Airline fears around 5G may finally be over / Delta, the last holdout, has updated its airline equipment. The Verge. https://www.theverge.com/2023/9/1/23856099/delta-updates-airplanes-5g-interference Lew, J. (2021, May 31). 10 of the Windiest Places in the World. Treehugger.com. https://www.treehugger.com/windiest-places-world-4869343 Jackson, V. (2020, March 5). Performing for no one – the important work of in-studio audiences. Yahoo! News. https://news.yahoo.com/performing-no-one-important-studio-130622513.html Stacey (2011, August 18). Easy Swiss Steak. Southern Bite. https://southernbite.com/swiss-steak/ Zemeckis, R. (Director). (1985). Back to the Future. [Film]. Amblin Entertainment; Universal Pictures. Zemeckis, R. (Director). (1989). Back to the Future, Part II. [Film]. Amblin Entertainment; Universal Pictures.

A member of CoBaD used to work in a white collar setting before he was laid off. While waiting for the right opportunity to get back into the white collar world, he took on a blue collar job working in a deli department in a supermarket. This sketch was partially inspired by his time in the deli. This sketch is also partially inspired by “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.” In the story and this sketch, both lead characters have a habit of daydreaming. There are three key differences, though: (1) environment, (2) intensity, and (3) relation of dreams to one another. 1. Environment - Walter Mitty’s dreams occurred while driving around town on his day off (presumably on a Saturday) running errands (taking his wife to the hairdresser’s, buying overshoes and puppy biscuits). Dalton Sidney’s daydreams, on the other hand, took place in a workplace environment. While Mr. Sidney’s occupation is clear (he works in a deli), the same cannot be said for Mr. Mitty. As far as we know, any one of Mr. Mitty’s so-called “daydreams” may have been him thinking about work or were perhaps even flashbacks to his glory days, and it is in fact being away from his comfortable surroundings, coupled with his tedious errands is what is making him so restless. So what both characters are attempting to escape is quite different. 2. Intensity – In his daydream state, Mr. Mitty was completely oblivious to his surroundings until shaken by an external event (his wife yelling at him for driving too fast, a parking lot attendant shouting at him telling him that he was in the wrong lane). Mr. Sidney, on the other hand, was aware of (or at least couldn’t escape from) his surroundings (the dish room and the loading dock) and was fully aware of the tasks he had to complete (washing dishes, thawing out chicken pot pie filling, and taking cardboard boxes to the crusher). He simply amplified their significance to make him feel like someone important (John the Baptist, a naval captain, a police interrogator, an Antarctic explorer and a villain in a spy movie). 3. Common thread – Mr. Mitty’s daydreams were triggered by random events (passing by a hospital, a newsboy shouting about the Waterbury trial) and the daydreams were unrelated to one another. Mr. Sidney’s daydreams, on the other hand, were triggered by tasks he was assigned to do (washing dishes, soaking frozen pot pie filling in cold running water, taking cardboard out to the crusher) and were very much related to one another. We here at CoBaD don’t think there’s anything wrong with Mr. Mitty. As we said previously, his daydreams take place while running rather mundane chores. We think it is safe to say that they are fairly boring things for any husband to do, so it seems perfectly normal that Mr. Mitty would want to escape them via daydreams. Where daydreams become particularly problematic is when they occur during more critical times of the day, such as spending quality time with the wife and kids, or in Mr. Sidney’s case, when at work. When daydreaming takes precedence over family, it leads to a lost marriage; when it takes precedence over work, it leads to a lost job, or in the case of operating a meat slicer in a deli, a lost finger. As we said, we don’t know much about Mr. Mitty’s occupation, but we think it’s safe to assume that he holds some comfortable, white collar middle class job. We here at CoBaD like to think of Mr. Sidney as the blue collar answer to Mr. Mitty. While white collar and blue collar jobs both involve boring and repetitive tasks, blue collar jobs, particularly those in a supermarket setting, are more physically demanding (standing on your feet eight hours a day, lifting heavy loads and taking out smelly trash). As you can see in this skit, daydreaming is quite pervasive at the Tom Quixote Supermarket. Mr. Sidney isn’t the only one trying to escape from his humdrum job; the deli manager (as a protective mother), the produce manager (as a no-nonsense sheriff) and the produce workers (as a priest and gravedigger, respectively) are all doing their best to make their jobs appear more meaningful and adventurous. Indeed we here at CoBaD argue such rampant daydreaming in the blue collar world is actually healthy as it is the mind’s way (if only somewhat successful) of fighting off the despair of knowing that their full time jobs pay so little that they have to take on a second job just so they can pay the rent and put food on the table; something that it appears Mr. Mitty didn’t have to worry about. The fact that daydreaming is so rampant at Tom Quixote Supermarket is more an indictment of the corporate world (both blue and white collar) of not keeping their employees engaged by taking advantage of their God-given talents. It appears to us here at CoBaD that the corporate world is using a “warm body” talent acquisition approach, shoehorning individuals into any old job. Dalton: "I see you have come to me soiled by the world…Go in peace to love and serve the salad case…” – A spoof of John the Baptist. Honestly, now, who else do you know would wear a Camelcrombie and Itch designer coat and drink a Venti Locust Tranquility Tea with Honey? We kid, of course. Everyone knows that the health department doesn’t allow drinks in the kitchen. Dalton: “Great Scott, Captain Scott! It’s Captain Oates…As a hot tray centerpiece.” – Refers to the tragic story of the Terra Nova Expedition (1910-1913), led by Captain Robert Falcon Scott. He and his four companions, Henry Bowers, Petty Officer Edgar Evans, Captain Lawrence Oates and Dr. Edward Wilson, in addition to conducting scientific research in Antarctica, attempted to become the first men to reach the geographic South Pole. While they did indeed reach the pole, they discovered that Norwegian explorer Roald Amundsen had in fact beaten them to the pole by 34 days. It was on their journey back that the expedition encountered trouble. Evans died of severe frostbite on 17 February 1912. Progress was further hampered by bad weather and by Oates, who also was suffering from severe frostbite in his left foot and was unable to travel more than five miles a day. On 16 March, 1912, Oates, with severe frostbite now spread to both hands and feet, allegedly said to Scott, “I am just going outside and may be some time,” walking to his death so that his companions might live. While the remainder of the team did indeed make significantly faster progress to their rendezvous point at One Ton Depot, Oates’s sacrifice turned out to be too little too late. The team died in a fierce blizzard on or about 29 March 1912, just 11 miles south of the depot. For another lighthearted take on what happened to Captain Oates, see the Red Dwarf episode “White Hole.” Dalton: “This is a bailer, Mr. Box…No, Mr. Box, I expect you to die!” - A spoof of the James Bond movie “Goldfinger” (1964). Dalton: “I welcome any crusher that increases my cardstock, which is considerable.” - A former assistant grocery store manager once said: “That [the garbage compactor] costs [the store] money and that [the baler] makes [the store] money.” It’s not hard to imagine this man (wherever he is now) as a Mr. Corrugated. Dalton: “Choose your next cut up carefully, Mr. Box, it may be your last…” – Chicken cut up is delivered to delis in a 49 pound box. It consists of cuts of chicken: breasts, legs, thighs and wings, as opposed to whole chickens, which are, in fact, um, well, whole chickens. References: Grant, R. & Naylor, D. (Writers) and Bye, E. & Jackson, P. (Directors). (1991, March 7). (Series 4, Episode 4) [TV Series Episode]. Red Dwarf. Hamilton. G. (1964). Goldfinger [Film]. Eon Productions; United Artists. Thurber, J. (1983). The Secret Life of Walter Mitty: A Classic Story of Daydreaming. Creative Education, Inc. Mankato, Minnesota. (Original appearance in The New Yorker magazine, March 18, 1939) Wikipedia. Terra Nova Expedition. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Terra_Nova_Expedition

Henry VII: “It’s a limited edition 501 (c) (10) model Shriner Imperial Divan.” - 501 (c) (10) is the Internal Revenue Service(IRS) tax exemption status that applies to "domestic fraternal societies, orders, or associations that operate under the lodge system…and devote net earnings exclusively to religious, charitable, scientific, literary, educational, and fraternal purposes,” such as Shriners International and the Freemasons. Henry VII: “Yeah, a board game...still surfing on the freaking couch.” - A member of CoBaD used to be an officer in a Masonic Lodge, and used to be active in the Shriners as well, just like his father and grandfather. A lot of the jokes CoBaD makes about the Shriner Imperial Divan were based on his experiences as an officer in a Masonic lodge, as both are similar in structure (the link here is that one must become a Mason before one is eligible to become a Shriner). While this troupe member approved of their respective philanthropic causes, he left both organizations because of (1) how their leadership is structured, (2) the centralization of power, and (3) the general conduct in their meetings, particularly the conduct of past masters. 1. Leadership structure inherently favors maintaining the status quo: The Shriner Imperial Divan, like a Masonic lodge, traditionally has a progressive office structure. An officer starts at the lowest most position and every year moves up a spot. The two exceptions are the Recorder (also known as the Secretary) and the Treasurer; they are elected to their respective offices and have no term limits. The problem with this model is that there are 10 progressive office positions on the Divan (again, this number does not include the Recorder and Treasurer). So by the time an officer has advanced from the lowest office (The Outer Guard) to the Potentate, he has become so thoroughly indoctrinated, entrenched and even mired in “the way things have always been done” that any new and fresh ideas he may have had when he started have been long since forgotten or pushed by the wayside by other board members. It is CoBaD’s opinion that the leadership structure is essentially a form of “Buggins’ turn,” a disparaging British term for an appointment to a position based on rotation or seniority rather than on merit. Jim Hacker, in the “Yes, Minister” episode “Equal Opportunities” said it best when he faced a similar challenge from his Secretary Sir Humphrey Appleby when wanting to promote a young woman, Sarah Harrison, to Deputy Secretary when he said: “Instead of being run by a lot of young, able, energetic men, this country’s being run by tired, cynical fifty-five year olds who just want a quiet life.” 2. Secretary and Treasurer hold too much power: With so much change in the divan from officers changing positions and responsibilities every year, there has to be some stabilizing force on the Divan otherwise it could not function. The recorder and the treasurer fulfill this role. So it appears to us here at CoBaD that the de facto leaders are the Recorder and Treasurer, as between the two they hold all the knowledge, all the history and all the money. We think such an structure is subject to abuse. Again citing one of our favorite British TV series, “Yes, Minister,” and “Yes, Prime Minster,” Sir Humphrey was easily able to manipulate Jim Hacker knowing how little Mr. Hacker knew of the inner workings of the government, and is able to bend Mr. Hacker to his will. A portion of this point was evident in the last lodge meeting the troupe member attended. In it, the secretary interceded at the meeting, speaking about 30-40 percent of the time, interceding and answering questions from the lodge almost as if he were the Worshipful Master. 3. Meddling from former leaders: The aforementioned last lodge meeting was also marked by past masters in the lodge frequently interrupting the meeting (sometimes without raising their hands, standing up and respectfully addressing the lodge first, a clear breach of lodge etiquette) with unsolicited comments to the Worshipful Master like “No, don’t say this, say that in the opening of the lodge,” “Pound the gavel,” “No, you can’t call for a vote, there hasn’t been a motion” or piping in with a “When I was Worshipful Master of this lodge…” This troupe member didn’t care for such counterproductive and rude behavior. Officers will never get better unless they learn from their own mistakes, and in fact will become more apprehensive knowing petty and pedantic past masters will barge in with their unsolicited suggestions or jump all over them if they make even the tiniest of missteps. It is little wonder that at this meeting, between the Secretary's and Past Masters' interruptions, the visibly confused and befuddled real Worshipful Master (a former Worshipful Master at another lodge, we might add, so he clearly he had experience in the role) was reduced to little more than a compliant, gavel-pounding puppet. As mentioned previously, the jokes in this skit were based on experiences as an officer in the Masonic Lodge. While he never served on the Imperial Divan, he thinks it doesn’t seem too far-fetched to think that the Divan encounters similar problems as well. Henry VII: “…in a scene that’s so long-winded and ostentatious you’d swear it was a prose edition of a scene straight out of Goethe’s ‘Faust Part 2: Revenge of the Rhyme of the Ancient Narrator…’” - Intended to poke fun at Johann Wolfgang von Goethe's (1749 –1832) work "Faust" (1808). In it, the characters spoke almost entirely in stilted rhyme. As if that book wasn’t bad enough, he published a sequel “Faust: Part 2” (1832) that’s even worse from a plot perspective. With the exception of Helen and Faust, the characters again speak almost entirely in rhyme, and Mephistopheles and Faust don’t appear at all in about a quarter of the book. Apparently Faust and Mephistopheles got tired of rhyming and ditched us poor readers, leaving us to fend for ourselves and forcing us to put up with the likes of a very tiresome Greek mythological spectacle and a long-winded emperor who did a deal with the devil so that he could keep his seat and win a war (spoken in rhyme of course). Kudos to Faust, though, for continuing to rhyme for another four pages after an old hag by the name of Care blinded him with her halitosis before finally succumbing to asphyxiation. Death by breath I guess (dammit, now Goethe has us rhyming!). Henry VII: “If they do turn up early, I’ll tell them that the Oriental Band has the room booked for their 15 minute weekly practice and will then adjourn to the matching Imperial Drinks Cabinet over there where they’ll booze it up for the next hour.” – Based on an actual experience. Shriners have clubs which members are encouraged to join, such as ones dedicated to pastimes such as bowling, singing, clowning, and driving undersized motor vehicles in parades. The aforementioned member of CoBaD wanted to get more involved, and a fellow Shriner suggested that he try to play the musette in the Oriental Band. This member had a bagpipe background, and the musette kind of looked like a bagpipe chanter, so he thought he could at least give it a try. He emailed the band leader and was told that the band had a competition in a month, and the competition consisted of playing a single tune that was about a minute long. Well, it was an aggressive schedule, but he figured at least he could try, and if it he couldn’t play the tune correctly he could always bow out of the competition. The troupe member was about five minutes late to practice, but it didn’t appear to him that the band had started yet as the drummers were still warming up in another room. He was introduced to the musette, shown the sheet music, and was invited to watch practice. Practice lasted about 15 (fifteen) minutes, then everyone adjourned to a bar in an adjoining room for drinks. Coming from a bagpipe band background where tuning alone lasts 20 minutes and practices last at least two hours, this proved to be rather disappointing. Needless to say he never went back. Henry VII: “Oh, I see. I think you misunderstood me, Doc. When I said ‘stool.’ I wasn’t referring to ‘sh**.’ I was in fact referring to ‘Groom of the Stool.’” Royal Doctor: “Oh sorry. What’s a ‘Groom of the Stool?’” Henry VII: “He’s my personal assistant. You know, my dresser, Chester Drawers…” Royal Doctor: “(giggle) Chester Drawers…sorry.” The Groom of the Stool was a male servant in the Royal household who tended to the king with regards to his hygiene and toilet needs. He wasn’t technically a dresser; that role belonged to the Gentleman of the Bedchamber. Still we couldn’t resist plugging in this reference to “An Animated Discussion” sketch. Later in the sketch, Mr. Drawers makes a cameo appearance dressed as one of the most famous Grooms of the Stool, Henry Rich, First Earl of Holland (1590-1649). Despite the job description, the role of Groom of the Stool was quite a powerful one. Usually held by a member of the nobility, the Groom of the Stool, actually created in 1485 by Henry VII, was a powerful official involved in managing the king’s private finances and was responsible for setting national fiscal policy under the chamber system (as well as the chamber pot system, but we digress). In addition, the Groom of the Stool was privy (no pun intended) to royal secrets and had unfettered access to the king (in more ways than one). By the time the post was officially dissolved in 1901, The role of Groom of the Stool had evolved from caretaking royal asses into caretaking royal assets. Henry VII: "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to see a man about a horse." Royal Doctor: "(sigh) If only Dick the Third had listened to me." - Reference to Richard III's famous line in William Shakespeare's play: "A horse, a horse! My kingdom for a horse!" (Act 5, Scene 4). Richard III had forgotten the cardinal rule of war: Always go to the bathroom before you go to battle. Stan Cupp: “And here’s your leaderboard after the first 480 years of secondhand Viking rule…” - According to ancestry.com, Vikings that settled in northern France in the eighth century became known as the Normans, and, by the early 11th century, ruled a region in France sanctioned by the French crown. These Normans, led by William the Conqueror, then sailed across the English Channel and claimed the throne of England in 1066, defeating Harold Godwinson at the Battle of Hastings. So, England, this is the sort of golf tournament you get when you let a bunch of hand-me-down Vikings rule your country. Geoffrey Saucer: “Henry II jumped out to an early lead in the round by taking out a low-born clerk,” – Refers to the murder of Thomas Becket, Archbishop of Canterbury and Primate of All England (1119-1170). Geoffrey: “…and was able to stave off that late charge by Pope Alexander III thanks to the Compromise of Avranches with the Catholic Church.” - On May 21, 1172, at the cathedral in Avranches, Normandy, papal legates publicly absolved Henry II from his role in the murder of Archbishop Thomas Becket on December 29, 1170, on the condition that Henry II provide 200 knights to serve in the Holy Land for one year and fight either in the Holy Land or in Spain against the Moors for an additional three years. Henry II was also to restore all properties he seized from the church of Canterbury, and allow appeals from the English church to Rome. The Compromise helped to restore the relationship between the crown and the Catholic Church (Hume, 1762). So yes, Henry II did successfully stave off a “late charge” (16 months and 23 days late to be precise). Geoffrey: “Unfortunately, Stan, Alexander III wasn’t able to maintain that momentum, and fell out of contention after the Third Lateran Council.” – The Third Lateran Council was hosted in March, 1179 by Alexander III. Among the notable Canons passed were Canon 1 (only Cardinals were permitted to elect a Pope) and Canon 7 (forbidding churches to engage in simony, specifically, charging money to conduct burials, bless a marriage or conduct sacraments). Later that year, Alexander III was kicked out of Rome by the Roman Republic. Alexander III died in Civita Castellana (a town 40 miles north of Rome) in 1181. Geoffrey: “And I thought Henry V had a very good round. There was just something about crossing the burn and winning the Agincourt Invitational last October that has really invigorated his game.” - “Crossing the burn” is a reference to Swilcan Burn at The Old Course at St. Andrews in St. Andrews, Scotland (“burn” is the Scottish term for a stream). The Swilcan Bridge crosses the burn linking the the first and 18th fairways of the course. Champion golfers usually pay some form of respect to Swilcan Bridge, which of course is crossed by those who have just completed the tournament and are heading back to the clubhouse. The course was founded in 1552, making it the oldest golf course in the world. The Swilcan Bridge itself is believed to be at least 700 years old. Likewise Henry V crossed a “burn” of his own (i.e., The English Channel) in October, 1415 before defeating the French in Agincourt, France. Geoffrey: “Dick was hanging in there most of the day until going one stroke down at the infamous Bosworth Bunker on the 14th.” - Refers to The Battle of Bosworth Field on August 22, 1485, where Richard III was struck down. The bunker is a reference to the notorious Hell Bunker located on the 14th hole of the aforementioned Old Course. Stan: “Dick got a hold of the screenplay of Richard III, and proceeded to beat Willy senseless with it on the 9th fairway for its gross historical inaccuracies.” - Reference to the historical inaccuracies of Shakespeare’s play, which appeared to be Shakespeare’s way of vilifying the House of York and kissing the ass of the House of Tudor. CoBaD thinks that Shakespeare truly missed his calling in life; we think Willy could have made an excellent Groom of the Stool. References: Ancestry.com. England and Northwestern Europe: Vikings and the Danelaw. Fraternal Organizations: What Constitutes a Lodge System? Internal Revenue Service. https://www.irs.gov/charities-non-profits/fraternal-organizations-what-constitutes-a-lodge-system Goethe, J.W. (1982) Faust Part Two (E.V. Rieu, ed). Penguin Books, Ltd. Hume, David (1762). History of England. Vol.1, Ch.9 (Henry II). pp.334-335. Jay, A. and Lynn, J. (1982, November 11) Yes, Minister. (Series 3, Episode 1) [TV Series Episode]. Equal Opportunities. BBC2. Oxford Reference. Compromise of Avranches. https://www.oxfordreference.com/display/10.1093/oi/authority.20110810104414791;jsessionid=D8952A7FE70D6A464EEECD1945F61641 Papal Encyclicals Online. Third Lateran Council - 1179 A.D. https://www.papalencyclicals.net/councils/ecum11.htm Wikipedia. Battle of Bosworth Field. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Bosworth_Field Wikipedia. Compromise of Avranches. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compromise_of_Avranches Wikipedia. Groom of the Stool. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Groom_of_the_Stool Wikipedia. Henry Rich, First Earl of Holland. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Henry_Rich,_1st_Earl_of_Holland Wikipedia. Lambert Simmel. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lambert_Simnel Wikipedia. Pope Alexander III. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pope_Alexander_III Wikipedia. Richard III, Historical inaccuracies. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Richard_III_(play)#Historical_inaccuracy Wikipedia. St. Andrews Links. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/St_Andrews_Links Wikipedia. Swilcan Bridge. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Swilcan_Bridge

A member of our troupe has a last name of Fly. In May of 2021, during research into his family history, he discovered Saint-Germer-de-Fly, a commune located about 60 miles northwest of Paris. Curious about the name, he reached out to the Friends of the Abbey of Saint-Germer Association wanting to know more about the name and if there are Flys in Saint-Germer. Thankfully, he didn’t get a response like “Yes, but only in summertime” or “only when the sanitation workers are on strike.” The association claims that despite the name “de-Fly,” there doesn’t appear to be any records of a Fly family in the region. The name, carried by a number of villages (e.g., Saint-Germer-de-Fly, Fla, Flavacourt), was derived from a Roman general named Flavius who created a small empire for himself around the fifth century, shortly before the first kings of France started to unify the country. So the King Flavius in this sketch is actually based upon a real life Roman officer. Columbia University’s Media Center for Art History has a very nice collection of pictures of the abbey in Saint-Germer-de-Fly, including a virtual reality tour page. A link is in the References section below. “[Burp] Yellow…Green…Blue…I’m a star!” - Many years ago a troupe member’s brother witnessed his family playing a game whilst sitting around their firepit called “I’m a Star.” When this troupe member called up his brother recently asking him about the rules of the game, he said that he couldn’t recall the rules. CoBaD did a quick internet search, but was unable to find a game of that name on the internet. We think, though, that the rules go like this: 1. Whoever burps has to immediately say the name of a color currently in view (Note: this player is the only one who knows a burp is coming, so he can take advantage of it and discreetly look around the room before he cuts loose). Since Bucge was opposite the fire and the fire was the first thing he saw when he burped, he naturally said “yellow.” 2. The person to his immediate left has two seconds to say the name of another color not already mentioned (for example, Brissen was looking at the map, saw the tree with the tire swing on it and said “green.” Cecile, also looking at the map, saw the river, and said “blue.”) 3. The game keeps going clockwise around the fire until someone can’t think of a name of a color that hasn’t already been mentioned. That person (in this case, “Pico de” Galo), then, as a punishment, has to stand up, spread his arms straight out to his side, with fingers apart, and say “I’m a Star!” then sit back down. Game over. The names here were particularly fun to choose for this skit. Attached are their names (in order of appearance) and their respective meanings. Names and meanings were courtesy of Momjunction.com: Bucge means “One with a large mouth,” Brissen means “A clumsy person who breaks things,” Cecile means “He who is blind,” Galo is a peculiar name. The word “galo” is Spanish for “Gallic,” or someone originating from Gaul (now known as France). However, Momjunction.com’s Spanish baby name website claims the name “Galo” means “Adult male chicken.” Gauthier (the commander) means “Head of the armed forces,” and Gaspar (the Royal Treasurer) means “Treasurer.” Galo: “Yeah, c’mon, Flavius Flav, bring the noise!” - We here at CoBaD don’t listen to rap music, but we couldn’t help but include a reference here to Flavor Flav, specifically to his former group Public Enemy and their collaboration with Anthrax on the single “Bring the Noise" (1988). King Flavius: “The Norman Army has crossed the northern frontier, laid siege to the town of New Cowshedgrad…” – See “The Hams Justifies the Means” sketch. King Flavius: “Our scouts have indicated that they are encamped at the Geronimo RV Park...” – See the “War Planner” sketch. King Flavius: “…a mile off the Machiavelli exit…” - Another reference to “The Hams Justifies the Means” sketch. King Flavius: “…across the street from General Crook tent city and cattycorner to the Nelson Miles Liquor Store…” – Another reference to the “War Planner” sketch. King Flavius: “The infantry are the key to our survival. Commander, your men will be the first and last line of defense of this city.” – A troupe member of ours used to be employed with a large company. This whole sketch was really inspired by an article on that company’s internal website with the title “You are the first and last line of defense in the world of cybersecurity.” The title doesn’t make any sense. If a hacker, say, stole an employee’s password to his computer and breached a database, why would he circle back around and try to go through the employee again? So the “break the glass” military operations plan in the King’s lock box is an 11th century answer of how you can be both a first and last line of defense. The "first and last line of defense" cliché just seems like another case of executives trying to appear intellectual and profound by using “cool sounding” corporate catchphrases but in the end they come off as being very silly and out of touch individuals. Galo: No me hables asi…dampf stoom (“Don’t talk to me like that, steam steam!”) - A troupe member has an espresso machine that has a language setting for 17 different languages. We here at CoBaD think “Dampf stoom” sounds like a great insult to hurl at someone provided that someone doesn’t know what the hell it means. King Flavius: “Finally, while the war counsel and I are sneaking out the library located in the Alexandre Dumas Memorial Secret Passage Room…“ - Allegedly there was a plaque mounted on the wall next to the aforementioned passage room that read: ” Named in honor of Alexandre Dumas père (1802-1870) in recognition of his lifelong service as a tireless advocate for secret doors, tunnels and entry ways as plot devices.” Dumas liked to use secret passages and doorways in his novels such as “The Count of Monte Cristo” and “Twenty Years After.” Voiceover: “This Diplopian counteroffensive has been brought to you by…Monet Vision.” – See the “I’m Gonna Rearrange Your Face” sketch. Voiceover: “Mjölnir Brand Ibuprofen…” - Mjölnir is the name of Thor’s hammer. Voiceover: “…being careful not to run into the confused American drivers circling the Mrs. Smi Commemorative Roundabout…” - See the “Acceptance Spee” sketch. Voiceover: “This Norman Conquest has been brought to you by Für Elise Travel Agency.” – See the “Travail Agent” sketch. Voiceover: “Then stop by this Saturday for free Bagatelles…“ - Ludwig van Beethoven’s “Für Elise” is officially known as “Bagatelle No. 25 in A minor.” Beethoven probably changed the name because he got fed up with all the bread jokes every time he sat down for breakfast (“Hey, Ludwig! Pass the Bagatelles and cream cheese (giggle)!”) Voiceover: “…courtesy Bach’s Cantata Coffee Shop…” - See the “Spirit of Sechsundsiebzig” sketch. References: 
Momjunction.com. 608 Spanish baby boy names with meanings.
https://www.momjunction.com/baby-names/spanish/boy/ Momjunction.com. 787 French baby boy names with meanings.
https://www.momjunction.com/baby-names/french/boy/ Media Center for Art History, Columbia University. Saint-Germer-de-Fly, Eglise Saint-Germer.
https://mcid.mcah.columbia.edu/art-atlas/mapping-gothic/saint-germer-de-fly-%C3%A9glise-saint-germer Sound effects (cracking fire, burp, and breaking of glass) were courtesy videvo.net. Translations were courtesy Google Translate. Directions from Saint-Germer-de-Fly to Hastings were courtesy Google Maps.

This sketch was inspired by a 04 June 2021 postgame interview with the Los Angeles Angels pitcher/hitter Shohei Ohtani. Mr. Ohtani does not speak English, so he must rely on an interpreter to field and answer questions from the media. Ohtani’s translator, Ippei Mizuhara, is good at interpreting Baseball Japanese to Baseball English. But if you don’t speak Baseball English, his translation won’t do any good. So in order make baseball more accessible to a wider audience (especially fans of eighteenth century novels), additional interpreters are required. Since we here at CoBaD know Spanish a little and don’t know Japanese at all, we changed the pitcher in this skit to a Spanish-speaking one. As a side note, although the inspiration of this skit was from an interview of a Major League Baseball (MLB) player, the name of the team (LEAP Blowers), the strange companies advertised on the screen in the background, and the silly premise (where you have a panel of four interpreters, including the one speaking into Captain Splatman’s earpiece who is translating reporters’ questions into Layman’s Terms English) seems right at home in Minor League Baseball (MiLB). So this skit is partially a salute to the wonderfully oddball minor leagues: the theme nights, the bobblehead doll giveaways, the celebrity appearances, the mascots and the weird uniforms. In our opinion, MiLB is so much more fun than the comparatively buttoned-down MLB. Voiceover: “…Manuel “Five Speed” Transmission,” for more on Manuel, see the “Hasty Worst” sketch. Voiceover: “…his Baseball Spanish translator, Mr. Nick "The Can" Don-DeRoad, President, Chairman and Chief Deafening Officer of the People’s Democratic Republic of Over the Fence Technologies…” For more on Over the Fence Technologies (as well as the companies featured on the screen behind the translators), see the “Hasty Worst” sketch. Voiceover: “…Mr. Henry "You Can Trust Me Because I Don’t Have a Middle Name In Quotation Marks” Fielding” – Mr. Fielding’s responses are intended to spoof Henry Fielding (1707-1754), but could also easily be making fun of the narrating styles of Charles Dickens (1812-1870) and Sir Walter Scott (1771-1832). All three novelists had the uncanny ability to put together a paragraph-long response to a question that everyone else on the face of the Earth could answer in two sentences, styles which Sir Humphrey Appleby of "Yes Minister/Yes Prime Minister" would quite enjoy. For more on Henry Fielding, see the “Bundle of Workplace Comfort and Joy” sketch. One of our cast members noted that many individuals who had middle names in quotation marks tended to be drug lords or gangsters (e.g., Joaquín “El Chapo” Guzmán Loera, George “Machine Gun” Kelly Barnes, Benjamin "Bugsy" Siegel, Charles "Lucky" Luciano, etc.). So we here at CoBaD are naturally apprehensive about trusting someone with a middle name in quotes. Voiceover: “…author of “Tom 'I Know How Make Up My Mind Because I Don’t Have a Hyphen in My Last Name' Jones…” – We here at CoBaD are fine with women, who, upon getting married, choose to take their husband’s names. We are also equally fine with women, who, upon getting married, decide to keep their maiden names (e.g., for professional reasons). Going with both (i.e., placing the maiden name first and the married name last, separating the two with a hyphen) just looks indecisive. It’s the equivalent of wearing socks with sandals. Voiceover: “…and his Layman’s Terms English translator, Captain Matt “Splatman ‘Gas’ Blaster” B-a-s-t-a-r-d-s-o-n of the Baal County Police Department.” - For more on the history of Captain Splatman, see the “An Animated Discussion” and “A Chromatic Incident” sketches. Dr. Steven Milkman: “Hey, man, like I have a question…” - For more on Dr. Steven Milkman, see the “Obedience to Questioning Authority” and “The Stanford Trial Experiment” sketches. Henry Fielding: “…And so, in a word, and not to give the appearance of being voluminous, and upon further reflection, it is imperative to demonstrate to the one who directs my services that I can evince inveteracy and exceed the frames to the tune of seven, and perhaps, just perhaps, he will permit me to cast the ball for 100 percent of the duration of a non-precipitation-truncated competition.” - In the novel “Tom Jones,” almost every time the narrator used the phrase “in a word,” it was followed by more than one word. In the beginning of Book 8, Chapter 9, for example, he used the phrase “in a word” and the sentence didn’t end until 85 words later. Voiceover: “Mr. Fielding appears courtesy of “Why The Hell Are You Here” Middleman Translator Service, a wholly owned subsidiary of The Jellia Jamb Society of Misinterpreters.” – For more on The Jellia Jamb Society of Misinterpreters, see the “Witless Twit Nitwit Skit Fix Quick Tip of the Day (Ft. Stogie and Stacy)” skit. We think that the presence of Mr. Fielding, like Miss Jamb, evokes a general feeling of “What purpose are you serving here, you babbling idiot?” Strangely enough, though, Mr. Fielding does serve a useful role in the last half of the skit. Note that the Layman’s Terms English translation of Dr. Milkman’s question is never revealed. Captain Splatman interprets the question internally (without assistance from the translator speaking to him in his earpiece) and delivers Dr. Milkman’s question in Eighteenth Century English Novelist English to Mr. Fielding. It is only when we “swim upstream” to the long-winded and obfuscating Mr. Fielding that we can get some sort of idea as to what Dr. Milkman’s question was when he delivers it (in Baseball English, of course) to Mr. Don-DeRode. English/Spanish translations are courtesy Google Translate. References: Bollinger, R. (2021, June 5). Another first for Ohtani in 10-strikeout gem. MLB.com. https://www.mlb.com/news/shohei-ohtani-raisel-iglesias-lead-angels-to-win Fielding, H. (1985). The History of Tom Jones, A Foundling. (R.P.C. Mutter, Ed.). Penguin Classics. (Original work published 1749) Hill, B. (2023, April 4). Minor League promos to look forward to in 2023. https://www.mlb.com/news/minor-league-promos-to-look-forward-to-in-2023

This skit was inspired by the Henry Fielding novel “Tom Jones” (1749). This was the first time that we here at CoBaD have read a novel written by a justice of the peace, and based on its content, will probably be our last. Very long and meandering narration, the nemesis (Mr. Blifil) doesn’t have a first name, the widow Arabella Hunt only appears once in the whole book (Book 15, Chapter 11) and is mentioned in passing in Book 18, Chapter 10, and then only when it is convenient to the plot, too many “coincidences” (how could all those characters scattered all across England suddenly come across one another in London, a city which in 1750 had a population of 675,000?) and the very bizarre story told at the end of the novel by Mrs. Waters (introduced in the novel and this skit under the pseudonym Jenny Jones) concerning the identity of Tom’s parents (See Book 18, Chapters 7 and 8). Below is a paraphrase of the conversation between Jenny Jones/Mrs. Waters and Squire Allworthy at the end of the book, followed by CoBaD’s comments upon reading the text. Jenny Jones/Mrs. Waters: Your sister Bridget was Tom’s mother. Summer was Tom’s dad. You remember Summer? He was a guest in your house who died of small pox (Note: Bridget and Mr. Allworthy lived in separate apartments on his estate).
 Allworthy: I remember Summer, yes.
 CoBaD: That’s funny, I don’t remember Mr. Summer at all. This is Book 18, Chapter 7. Why is this the first (and only) time he’s mentioned in the whole novel? Jenny: Miss Bridget one day visited my mother just after your departure for London. 
CoBaD: Who is Jenny’s mother? And again, why is this the first time she’s mentioned in the novel? Jenny: Miss Bridget was pleased to say she had heard an extraordinary character of me, for my learning and superior understanding to all the young women. CoBaD: So Bridget recruited Jenny, a woman of “extraordinary character” to participate in a massive cover up which would in turn destroy her character she worked so hard to build? Jenny: Since you were away on business, this was an opportune time for Bridget to deliver the baby. 
CoBaD: But on this particular trip, Allworthy was only away for three months. How could Allworthy not notice before he went on his trip that his sister was six months pregnant? Jenny: I deposited the infant in your bed. 
CoBaD: Why would Bridget have Jenny take her infant son, walk across to the other end of the estate and deposit him in her brother’s bed? And why would Bridget spend years living on the same estate with her own son living a lie (claiming that Tom was an abandoned child) and treating Tom with utter disdain? Jenny: I was paid for my services. 
CoBaD: There isn’t enough money in the world to make anyone here at CoBaD participate in this asinine plot. Remember, after depositing the baby, Jenny was mercilessly rebuked around Somersetshire for child abandonment, as people thought she was the mother. Here at CoBaD, Jenny still is the subject for scorn because she sold her good name. Finally, there were so many characters parading in and out Mrs. Miller’s London home at the end of the book that Mrs. Miller could have been swimming in dough if she had replaced her front door with a turnstile. Apparently Mr. Fielding was in a hurry to tie up loose plot ends and finish the book. Perhaps we should have listened to Dr. Samuel Johnson when he said to Hannah Moore, “I am shocked to hear you quote from so vicious a book. I am sorry to hear you have read it…” Still, “The History of Tom Jones: A Foundling” was the inspiration for this silly sketch, so reading the book wasn’t a complete waste of time. Deborah: "This keyhole may be monitored for quality and training purposes.” - In Book 1, Chapter 8, Bridget, Squire Allworthy’s sister, and Deborah Wilkins listened in on Mr. Allworthy’s sermon to Jenny Jones via a keyhole in Squire Allworthy’s study. Allworthy: “I think you know why my 45 and 51 year old servant, Ms. Deborah Wilkins, brought you here...” - In Book 1, Chapter 3, Mrs. Deborah Wilkins, Squire Allworthy’s maid, is described as being “in her 52d year of her age,” (meaning she’s “51 and a bit” years old), but in Book 1, Chapter 5, Henry Fielding, in a baffling fashion, compares Mrs. Wilkins to a 45 year old dame: “Mrs. Deborah so sooner observed [the infant Tom Jones], than she fell to squeezing and kissing, with as great raptures as sometimes inspire the sage dame of forty and five towards a youthful and vigorous bridegroom, crying out in a shrill voice ‘O the dear little creature! The dear sweet, pretty creature! Well, I vow it is as fine a boy as I have ever seen!’” Allworthy: “Pugh! My tried true tactics do nothing to you.” - “Pugh” is an interjection Sophia (Tom’s love interest) used in Book 6, Chapter 6. “Pugh” is used to indicate disgust. Allworthy: “I-fackins, Jenny! Why didn’t you put it under the tree, then?” - Another one of our favorite interjections from the novel. “I-fackins” is an obsolete exclamation used to express surprise or insistence, similar to “I’faith” or “In faith” (nowadays it would be expressed as “Really!” or “Truly!”). For example, in Book 6, Chapter 6 of “Tom Jones,” when Mrs. Honour, the servant of Sophia (the love interest of Tom Jones), heard Sophia was going to be married against her will, Mrs. Honour said, “I don’t pretend to give your la’ship advice, whereof your la’ship knows much better than I can pretend to, being but a servant; but, i-fackins! no father in England should marry me against my consent.” Jenny: “…But I must fall upon my knees and entreat you…Mr. Allworthy…” - A lot of characters fall upon their knees in this novel: Tom Jones, Sophia, Mr. Partridge, Jenny/Mrs. Waters and Mrs. Miller. We hope they had some decent gold plated knee pads to get them through the story. Jenny: “…in the name of that jolly old two toned fat bastard and his eight courser dinner…
Allworthy: Nine…
Jenny: And his nine courser dinner…” – For more on this reference, see the “O Crispy Peas” sketch. Jenny: “All I am permitted to say that he is of good character, a supporting kind, and not a throwaway name convenient to the plot of this novel.” - Like Arabella Hunt, Tom’s father, or Jenny’s mother; see note above. Jenny oughta know, she used to have a good character too, you know. Allworthy: “Well, I can’t have her bending over a keyhole. That’d be conducting a highly repetitive task combined with high force and an awkward posture. NIOSH would never approve. Far better from an ergonomics standpoint to have to fall upon her knees, don’t you think?” – For more on who NIOSH (The National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health) is and what they do, or to be more precise, what they aren’t doing, see the “Hasty Worst” sketch. Jenny: “…Now where do you want me to kneel while I fill this out?”
Mrs. Wilkins: “On the hassock over there, next to the praying tarantulas.” - A reference to the brilliant “Two Ronnies” sketch “Mastermind.” Bridget: “Make me look like your pious, crusty old battle-ax of an aunt, huh?!” – In Book 1, Chapter 11, Henry Fielding writes the following:
 “The Captain [Dr. Filial’s brother] no sooner perceived the passion of Miss Bridget, in which discovery he was very quick-sighted, than he faithfully returned it. The lady, no more than her lover, was remarkable for beauty. I would attempt to draw her picture; but that is done already by a more able master, Mr. Hogarth himself, to whom she sat many years ago, and hath been lately exhibited by that gentleman in his print of a Winter’s morning, of which she was no improper emblem, and may be seen walking (for walk she doth in the print) to Covent-Garden church, with a starved foot-boy behind carrying her prayer book.” William Hogarth's “Morning (Four Times of The Day),” originally created as an oil painting in 1736, and reproduced as an engraving and published in 1738, does indeed depict a scene in Covent Garden on a wintry morning. There is a woman in the picture, but the picture is far from a flattering one. It is actually an ugly, elderly woman, lavishly dressed. She is on her way to church with a freezing page boy tagging behind carrying a prayer book. This “pious” elderly aristocrat purposely avoids looking at the beggar and the young lovers embracing each other. Allegedly William Hogarth modeled the ugly old lady after his aunt. When his aunt viewed the engraving, she cut him out of her will. This monumental gaffe of Fielding’s is particularly puzzling because Fielding and Hogarth actually knew each other. Bridget: “Now I know why children have been giggling and pointing at me and people have been laughing at me behind my back for the past two years!” - As stated above, William Hogarth's “Morning (Four Times of The Day),” was originally created as an oil painting in 1736 and reproduced as an engraving and published in 1738, meaning that this ugly portrayal of Bridget had been floating around in one form or another for two years prior to the engraving “gift” Hogarth gave to Bridget. Bridget: “I never should have got mixed up with a man who always speaks in uppercase letters!” - When he was a kid, a member of this troupe aspired to be a cartoonist. He “studied” a lot of cartoons. He couldn’t help but notice that almost all of them had their speech bubble dialogues IN CAPITAL LETTERS. Rarely was dialogue written in mixed case as you would see in books, newspaper articles and in this description. HE NOTED THAT ALL UPPER CASE DIALOGUE MADE CARTOON CHARACTERS LOOK LIKE THEY WERE EXTREMELY UNHAPPY INDIVIDUALS WHO SHOUTED AT EACH OTHER ALL THE TIME!! Bridget: “FROM MY MIXED CASE TAPED UP LACE TO YOUR FACE, HAPPY BOXING DAY, SUCKA!” - The last drawing is a parody of the famous photograph taken by photographer Neil Leifer at the May 25, 1965 boxing match between Muhammed Ali and Sonny Liston (a rematch of their fight the previous year, which Ali also won). At the time the iconic Muhammed Ali/Sonny Liston photo was taken, Ali allegedly said to Liston, “Get up and fight, sucker!” Bridget: “I SHOOK UP THE WORLD! I SHOOK UP THE WORLD! I AM THE QUEEN OF THE WORLD! I'M PRETTY! I’M A BAD GIRL!” - Based on a remark Ali said to a reporter after Ali’s first victory over Sonny Liston on February 25, 1964 in Miami Beach, Florida. (“I shook up the world!...I shook up the world!...I am the king of the world! I’m pretty! I’m a bad man!”) For more on Overengineered Safety Corporation, the makers of fine products such as Lon the Bowler’s Ass a Backed up System, please see the “Hasty Worst” sketch. References: Artoftheprint.com. William Hogarth - Morning Four Times of The Day. www.artoftheprint.com/artistpages/hogarth_william_morningnooneveningnightcompletesetoffour.htm Bednall, J. (2015, May 25). The story behind the greatest photograph in sports history. News.com.au. https://www.news.com.au/sport/sports-life/the-story-behind-the-greatest-photograph-in-sports-history/news-story/781e32670a84a2bfadcfb494eb0a924d Fielding, H. (1985). The History of Tom Jones, A Foundling. (R.P.C. Mutter, Ed.). Penguin Classics. (Original work published 1749)

This sketch is a spoof of the voiceover outtakes from actor and filmmaker Orson Welles’s 1970 commercial for Findus Frozen Peas. In it, Mr. Welles starts to perform a narration for a series of British television advertisements and can’t finish because he keeps squabbling with the directors over the the script he is asked to read. According to Jonathan Lynn (co-creator of the TV series “Yes Minister” and “Yes, Prime Minister”), the recording is believed to have taken place in Vienna, Austria. Billy: “This is Professor Clement Clarke Moore’s classic castoff ‘A Visit from St. Nicholas.’” - Clement Clarke Moore (1779-1863) felt that his scholarly work was overshadowed by “A Visit From St. Nicholas.” He considered “A Visit From St. Nicholas” to be a frivolous poem. Ron: “Get me a jury and show me how you can say that, and if I lose, I’ll appear in a commercial drunkenly hawking cheap booze… You only take a nap in the back of a Vegas limo, and that’s only when you’re trying to sleep off the booze.” - This is a reference to Mr. Welles’s infamous drunken outtakes from a 1980 commercial for the Paul Masson winery (the commercial was actually promoting their California champagne). According to an interview with Assistant Director Peter Shillingford in 2021, Mr. Welles arrived in Los Angeles at about noon in a chauffeur driven limousine. Mr. Welles claimed to have been up late the previous night shooting in Las Vegas, had taken a sleeping pill, and appeared to be quite drunk. The set and actors at the L.A. mansion had been in place since 10am, so Mr. Shillingford persuaded Mr. Welles to go ahead and shoot the commercial, thinking that if the commercial did not go well, Mr. Shillingford could at least provide the clips to their insurance company as proof that Welles showed up unfit to participate (via an “actor malfunction” clause in their contract), and get at least some of their investments back. According to Mr. Shillingford, after the disastrous takes, the owner of the mansion allowed Mr. Welles get some rest in one of her rooms. Mr. Shillingford said that shooting resumed at 3pm that day, and Mr. Welles delivered the lines perfectly. Ron: “This is a very wearying manifesto…” According to Britannica dictionary, a manifesto is defined as “a written statement that describes the policies, goals, and opinions of a person or group.” We hear at CoBaD think of “A Visit from St. Nicholas” is very much a manifesto, as Clement Clarke Moore’s poem was very instrumental in imposing the image of St. Nicholas as the joyful, plump, toy-bearing Santa Claus on the American Christmas tradition, as well as the names of Santa’s eight courser dinner (minus the red-nosed appetizer, of course). References: Britannica Dictionary. https://www.britannica.com/dictionary/manifesto Liquisearch.com. Frozen Peas - Transcript https://www.liquisearch.com/frozen_peas/transcript Lynn, J. (2016, August 22). British actor-director Jonathan Lynn recalls ‘Orson’s Bag’. Wellesnet.com. https://www.wellesnet.com/british-actor-director-jonathan-lynn-recalls-orsons-bag/ VanHooker, B. (2021). MEL Magazine. I Was the Man at the Clapperboard for Orson Welles’ Legendary Drunk Wine Commercial. MEL Magazine. https://melmagazine.com/en-us/story/orson-welles-drunk-wine-commercial

In the engineering world, “over the fence” means providing a solution for a problem and handing the finished solution off to someone else to incorporate into the product. This skit showed the disadvantages of such an approach; safety researchers and engineers were so focused on addressing their own concerns that they failed to realize that their self-centered “solutions” are creating several more problems. Theirs was in essence a stovepipe mindset and not sound engineering (storming the gates of the software and engineering departments, seizing control of the food and water supplies and violently deposing the chief engineer didn’t help matters either). 
A good example of the over the fence mindset is back-up beepers on construction equipment. Back-up beepers have been criticized in scientific literature as ineffective because the workers at the site become desensitized to the noise; sort of a modern day version of “The Boy Who Cried Wolf” (much in the same way that the public has become desensitized to car alarms). Furthermore, back-up beepers are very unpopular with the public because they are a source of noise pollution. For the public, the alerts are completely irrelevant; back-up beepers are designed to alert individuals that construction equipment is nearby. The public is not permitted on nor do they have any intention on walking onto a construction site, so the warnings have no bearing on them, yet they have to endure the noise every single day, which we here at CoBaD argue induces stress and adversely impacts quality of life, both of which play a significant part in one’s health. From an auditory perspective, the back-up beepers are harmful as well; the typical 1000 Hz pure tone beeps at between 97 and 112 decibels, exceeding the long-term hearing loss threshold of 70 decibels and the Occupational Safety and Health Administration's (OSHA) acceptable eight hour time weighted average maximum of 85 decibels. And when safety focals comically try to implement workarounds rather than admit they were wrong and fix the back-up beeper, it just makes matters worse (like in the skit when Donny Brook and Hugh Encry wore earplugs and NIESH broke in halfway through the skit and tried to fix the problem by introducing closed captioning).
 The “dance music when in motion” safety feature is poking fun of scissor lift cranes. Scissor lift cranes are designed to make the same loud and annoying beep not only when they are backing up, but every time they are in motion (moving forward, raising payload and lowering payload). Based on anecdotal evidence, we think their alerts are in the same boat as back-up beepers, especially when those cranes are used indoors. Again, it seems that safety engineers just don’t seem to get it.
 The LEAP blower, as you probably guessed, is a jet engine, and a jab at leaf blowers, yet another noise pollutant. The LEAP (Leading Edge Aviation Propulsion) is a 50-50 joint venture between GE Aviation and Safran Aircraft Engines. Specs for the “leaf blower” depicted in this skit were derived from the LEAP-1B model as equipped for Boeing’s 737 MAX.
 It is easy to blame OSHA for the back-up beeper fiasco, as OSHA is responsible for inspecting and examining workplaces and enforcing safety and health rules. But the law is in the books; the Code of Federal Regulations Title 29, 1926.601(b)(4) states “No employer shall use any motor vehicle equipment having an obstructed view to the rear unless: (i) The vehicle has a reverse signal alarm audible above the surrounding noise level or (ii) The vehicle is backed up only when an observer signals that it is safe to do so.” However, if one “takes a look upstream,” we here at CoBaD think OSHA's “identical twin,” the National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health (NIOSH) should shoulder some of the blame as well (NIOSH and OSHA were both created under the OSHA Act of 1970). NIOSH is responsible for conducting research and recommendations in the field of occupational safety and health, and for providing recommendations for the prevention of work-related injury and illness. They should be aware first hand of all the contrary research and public criticism, yet it appears they are turning a deaf ear to all the outcry, apart from doling out the occasional earplug and caption. So it seems to us here at CoBaD that based on the above discussion, it is NIOSH that isn’t doing their job. So this skit is really poking fun at NIOSH’s “over the fence” scientists and researchers for the back-up beeper and the other over the top “safety features” depicted in this skit. References:
 Center for Disease Control and Prevention (2019). What Noises Cause Ear Loss? https://www.cdc.gov/nceh/hearing_loss/what_noises_cause_hearing_loss.html Holzman, David C. (2011, January). Vehicle Motion Alarms: Necessity, Noise Pollution, or Both? Environmental Health Perspectives, 119(1), A30–A33. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3018517/ Wikipedia. Back-up beeper. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Back-up_beeper

As incredible as it may sound, the press at a news conference are not unlike politicians at a congressional hearing. Both like to shout out questions and proverbially “pound the tables” in order to appease “the folks back home.” For politicians, it’s their constituents; for journalists, it’s their editors, subscribers and Twitter followers. Both think that the brief camera time they receive will somehow make the difference between keeping and losing their jobs. Both politicians and journalists also have lips that move faster than the speed of thought, so invariably in their vain attempts to make themselves look busy, a stupid question will come out. Actually, when you think about that last sentence, it’s really something of an accomplishment when both politicians and journalists each can employ three difference meanings of the word “vain” in the same sentence; “vain” as in fruitless, “vain” as in insubstantial and “vain” as in narcissistic. We here at CoBaD think there’s a fine line between wisdom and making an ass out of oneself, and that fine line is called the mouth. And to their credit, both politicians and the press are persistent; they never cease until they cross that fine line and make utter fools out of themselves. There’s a fine art to listening and keeping your trap shut until all the facts are in before you say something. That probably explains why law and journalism aren’t majors in the school of fine arts. Marsha Fields’s first question is clearly alluding to the famous Barbara Walters interview with Katharine Hepburn in the early 1980s. Contrary to popular belief, Ms. Walters never asked Ms. Hepburn, "If you were a tree, what kind would you be?" In the interview, it was in fact Ms. Hepburn who brought up the tree discussion, saying that she was like a tree, to which Ms. Walters naturally followed up Ms. Hepburn’s remark with the question “What kind of a tree are you?” Ms. Hepburn then said she was like an oak tree. Ms. Fields’s question (and the whole skit for that matter) is more in the spirit of a January 2018 White House press conference when Dr. Ronny Jackson, physician to then-president Donald Trump, spoke to the press in regards to results of the president’s annual physical exam. Dr. Jackson reported that the president was in excellent physical health. He also mentioned that Mr. Trump took a test for mild cognitive impairment at Mr. Trump’s insistence (the first time in American history that a president had taken a cognitive assessment). He didn’t think taking the Montreal Cognitive Assessment (MoCA) was necessary based on casual observations (at that point in time, Dr. Jackson had been around the president every day for nearly a year). As it turned out, the MoCA was in fact unnecessary because Mr. Trump scored 30 out of 30 on the test, well above the average score of 26. Dr. Jackson concluded by saying that based on the assessment result, Mr. Trump showed no cognitive or mental issues whatsoever. Dr. Jackson was then asked by a left-leaning mainstream media reporter if a cognitive test is the same as a psychiatric exam (it isn’t). Undaunted, the rest of the left-leaning “tabloid psychiatrists” jumped in and asked Dr. Jackson a series of questions (speculative in nature of course, beginning with deflecting phrases such as “Some people might say,” “There is a lot of speculation” and “Questions have been raised”) asking him if the president is mentally fit for office (at least 22 times according to one source), including those who wondered if he might have Alzheimer’s, dementia or a drug addiction. One reporter even asked what Dr. Jackson’s role is in relieving an unfit president from his duties under the 25th Amendment of the U.S. Constitution. All of these questions were totally irrelevant as the MoCA results Dr. Jackson just shared completely ruled out all of those possibilities. One liberal-minded reporter was even so daft as to ask “There isn’t anything that’s part of the president’s health records or his overall physical fitness or any medications that he’s taking that you’re not permitted to tell us? Is there anything you’re keeping from us for privacy reasons?” The question seems particularly perplexing since it runs contrary to one of the foundations of the left; that is, emphatically fighting to protect an individual’s right to privacy. In the 2018 press conference, it almost seems like each reporter was trying to out-liberal one another, much in the same vein that the reporters in this skit were trying to out-stupid one another. So it appears based on Dr. Jackson’s press conference that toeing the party line is yet another common trait between politicians and journalists. The only difference is in regards to ethics; toeing the party line is SOMETIMES unethical in politics; in journalism, where one must exercise impartiality, toeing the party line is ALWAYS unethical. Looks like our journalist friends would really enjoy reading Chairman Rosie’s new book. This skit also pokes fun at rebels. When Marsha was told by both Will and Monty that “…this is a man’s job…” and “…she doesn’t belong here…” her natural instinct when she was told that she couldn’t do something because of her sex was to rebel. By the end of the skit it became apparent that the “here” wasn’t a press conference, it was a game show, and “this is a man’s job” wasn’t referring to journalism, rather it was referring to being a contestant in a game show where the goal is to embarrass yourself by asking stupid questions in order to win prizes. So when Monty and Will said that “…this is a man’s job…” and “…she doesn’t belong here…”, perhaps they were (in an admittedly brusque fashion) being complimentary by thinking women were too smart to play such a silly game. Maybe Marcia should have thought more about what she was rebelling against before she opened her mouth. Some people might think that we here at CoBaD are sexist depicting women the way we did in this skit. Well, let us say to you that we here at CoBaD believe in equality amongst the sexes. We are of the firm belief that women are just as capable as men, if not more so, at insisting upon asking stupid questions and debasing themselves in front of a national audience for the chance to sign away (in a Faustian-like manner) their life stories to the entertainment industry. If you require more information on our response, please see Mr. Some People for details and they might tell you. For more on the egregious Chairman Rosie, see “The New York Times’ Effect on Man” sketch and the “Bach’s Diversified Portfolio / Spirit of Sechsundsiebzig” sketch. Special thanks to Videvo for providing the game show sound effects and music. References: Elliott, T. (2018, January 16). Reporters Ask W.H. Doctor 22 Times If Trump is Actually Sane [UPDATED]. Grabien News. https://news.grabien.com/story-reporters-badger-wh-doc-after-he-gives-trumps-mental-health Payton, B. (2018, January 17). 10 Of The Dumbest Questions Reporters Asked During Trump’s Health Press Conference. The Federalist. https://thefederalist.com/2018/01/17/10-dumbest-questions-reporters-asked-trumps-health-press-conference/

Piobaireachd (pronounced “peeb-rook”) is widely considered to be the classical music of the Great Highland Bagpipe, dating back to at least the late 18th century. This skit is a spoof of a piobaireachd competition. In it, the committee submits to its anatomically incorrect illustrated contestants a play list of four piobaireachds to get ready for the contest, one of which will be played in front of the judge. On close inspection (and even on an inspection from a mile away), one comes to the conclusion that while the piobaireachds have different names, “Twinkle Twinkle Wee Starn (“Twinkle Twinkle Little Star”), “The Alphabet Song,” “Baa Baa Ewe Dubh” (“Baa Baa Black Sheep”) and “Och! Shall Ah Tell Ye, Mama,” they’re all essentially the same tune. The ulterior motive comes shining through like a fresh turd on a sprinkler-soaked sidewalk on a sunny morning; the Redundant Variations on a Redundant Theme Invitational Piobaireachd Competition committee is utterly obsessed with this tune, much to the chagrin of our intrepid Mr. MacMickjunior. Only the intervention of a loverly cockney flower girl armed with a hosted bar, a pair of tweezers, and a toy doctorate in Competition Committee Psychiatry can save the day. Incidentally, “Och! Shall Ah Tell Ye, Mama" is CoBaD’s Scots-English “translation” of the French title “Ah! vous dirai-je, Maman,” which was the original title to the song before “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star,” "The Alphabet Song” and “Baa Baa Black Sheep” butted in and started pushing their respective agendas by changing the lyrics. Apparently the piobaireachd competition committee, upon hearing “Ah! vous dirai-je, Maman,” was under the mistaken impression that because it’s French, it’s about Jacobites (France sheltered many of the Jacobites after their defeat at the Battle of Culloden in 1746). Despite the strange premise of the skit, “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” is actually good at illustrating how piobaireachds are structured, specifically when one looks at Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart’s arrangement called “12 Variations ‘Ah, vous dirai-je, Maman’ (K. 265/300e).” In both, you have a theme (or in the case of a piobaireachd, a “ground”), then variations of the theme, each variation becoming more ornamented and elaborate than the previous. In the case of piobaireachds, the variations vary (so to speak), but usually include singlings, doublings, taorluaths (pronounced “taor [rhymes with sour]-loo-uhs”), (perhaps) taorluath a machs, crunluaths (pronounced “krun-lou-uhs”), and (perhaps) crunluath a machs. An approximate timestamp of Rab Latt’s performance gives a very abridged example of a piobaireachd: 1:53 - 2:51 – Ground (in 4/4 time) 2:51 – 2:58 – First four bars (in 6/8 time) of variation 1 (actually a spoof of variation 1 of the piobaireachd “The Desperate Battle”), 3:02 – 3:21 – Last seven and a half bars (in 2/4 time) of the crunluath a mach, 3:21 – 3:45 – First two bars of the ground (again in 4/4 time) to conclude the piobaireachd. As one can see, the biggest difference between Mozart’s “12 Variations” and the basic piobaireachd is that all piobaireachds end with a restatement of the theme; that is, they end by playing a truncated version of the ground (e.g., the first line only) to “bring us back home.” For those of you who would like to hear real piobaireachds, CoBaD recommends watching videos from The Glenfiddich Piping Championships. It is relatively easy to find video recordings of past contests online. The Glenfiddich Piping Championships is not as well known outside piping circles as, say, the Clan Viburn International Piano Scale Competition, but it’s definitely worth a listen, make no mistake. “This hands-free evening of Scottish music is brought to you by Mendelssohn’s Symphony Number 3 in A Minor.” For more on the history of this caption, see the “Abstain Your Enthusiasm” Sketch. For more on Picasso’s background and how he got into such a frightful state, see the “I’m Gonna Rearrange Your Face” sketch.

It’s not enough for advocacy groups and special interests to have a day dedicated to them. Now in a fit of temporal empire-building, they are demanding a week or even a month, each trying to outdo one other on the calendar. We here at CoBaD imagine that a highly condensed version of the aforementioned “land grab” might go something like this: Orange: I claim this day in the name of Orange! Red: If Orange has a day, then we must have a week! Blue: If Red has a week, then we must have a month! Green: If Blue has a month, then we must have the last half of one month and the first half of the following month! In principle, CoBaD understands this cost-effective (i.e., cheapskate) marketing gimmick. After all, it is much less expensive (and far more efficient) to cordon off a section of the calendar (and score a free five minute interview on the morning news in the process) than it is to purchase and shoot 30 seconds of network TV time. Such a low-cost tactic does wonders for development (i.e., fundraising). But nowadays there are so many advocacy groups and special interests pushing their agendas up our agendas that it’s almost impossible to get a twelve month, nonstop commercial-free docket anymore. To make matters worse, it now seems like these individuals are rushing and elbowing each other out of the way in order to stake a claim on the calendar the same way that settlers acted during the Oklahoma Land Rush of 1889. This is a rather appropriate analogy since like the settlers, advocacy groups and special interests are attempting to lay claim to something that isn’t theirs in the first place. The Oklahoma territory didn’t belong to the settlers any more than the calendar doesn’t belong to the aforementioned groups and interests. This skit is a “brazen and flagrant” jab at what happens when these parties start encroaching on each other’s “territories.” For example, Engineers Week takes place on the third week of February. February happens to be Black History Month. If a crisis develops during Engineers Week, who has jurisdiction? Juneteenth, the day which commemorates the 1865 emancipation of enslaved blacks in the U.S., is celebrated on the 19th of June. June happens to be National Pride Month. If a crisis develops on June 19th, who has jurisdiction? We need to have a national conversation before a diplomatic crisis occurs. CoBaD recommends watching the “Yes, Prime Minster” episode, “A Diplomatic Incident,” which does a humorous take on English/French jurisdiction with regards to the Channel Tunnel. Plenip Tentiary, the Czech Republic diplomat, is taken from the term “plenipotentiary.” A plenipotentiary is a diplomat who has absolute power to sign a treaty or convention on behalf of his or her sovereign. Plenip sounds like a very prestigious name; very appropriate for a diplomat, although it sounds more Bosnian than Czech. But that’s neither here nor there. Mr. Mich: “…PAT Pastry Party patsy confectionary forces!” - In Italy the strudel is listed as a PAT (Prodotto agroalimentare tradizionale), or traditional Agri-Food product. A PAT is a traditional Italian regional food product whose processing, conservation and seasoning methods are uniform and have been practiced in their respective territories in Italy (in the strudel’s case, the autonomous province of South Tyrol) of not less than twenty-five years. A product that is PAT certified assures the consumer that the product he or she is buying meets precise specifications, and protects the manufacturer against counterfeit products, unfair competition and fraud. A list of PATs is published and maintained by the Italian Ministry of Agricultural, Food and Forestry Policies. Mr. Mich: “Neapolitan flags…With the chocolate stripe on the left, the strawberry stripe on the right, and the vanilla stripe in the middle symbolizing peace between the two flavors?!” - An ice cream take on the flag of Ireland. The colors on the flag of Ireland represent the Gaelic tradition (green) and the followers of William of Orange (orange), with white representing the aspiration for peace between the two parties. Alternatively, the flag allegedly refers to Catholicism (green) and Protestantism (orange), with white again representing the hope of peace between the two faiths. The Red Velvet Cake Revolution Government’s duly appointed leader, Leck Mich, is a reference to “Leck mich im Arsch,” (“Lick me in the Arse”, K.231/382c), a canon composed in 1782 by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. CoBaD would like to respond to your rebuttal in two parts: 1. Yes, THAT Mozart, and 2. No, we’re not bullsh**ting you. Leck sounds like a very prestigious name; very appropriate for a leader of a government in exile, although it sounds more Polish than Czech, but that’s neither there nor here. Mr. Tentiary: “…high ranking wavelengths…” - Refers to green (495–570 nanometers), yellow (575–585 nm), orange (585-620 nm) and red (625–740 nm). Blue (450-495 nm), only ranks above only the lowly working class violet (380-435 nm). But that’s neither here, there nor anywhere, just like Mr. Mich’s twice-owned, gently used blue thong. Epilogue: “black…diverse and inclusive pigment…” - Refers to subtractive color mixing. If one mixes the pigments (e.g., paints, dyes or inks) of the three primary colors of the CMY color model (cyan, magenta and yellow), one will get black.

Inspired by an incident that occurred to one of our troupe members in 2018. A member of our troupe (we’ll call him “Donna Elvira”) was attempting to retake a commercial helicopter checkride he failed with a designated pilot examiner, or DPE (we’ll call him “Don Giovanni”) on 25 August. According to Federal Aviation Regulations, “Donna” did not have to take the entire checkride all over again; he only had to take the parts he failed PROVIDED he took the retest within 60 days. “Donna” met with his instructor for the remedial training and was signed off on 28 September to retake the checkride. Because of high demand, “Don” was not available until 27 October. Close, but “Donna” was assured by his instructor that 27 October was within the 60 day window. The Wednesday before the checkride (24 October), “Donna” was informed (by the instructor we might add, not by “Don” himself) that “Don” had to cancel, claiming that he was double booked. Apparently “Don” had two calendars, and didn’t realize he was double booked until three days before the checkride. Since “Don” was the only examiner that served the helicopter school, and “Don” didn’t even try to find a substitute to cover the checkride for “Donna,” and no other examiner could be found on such short notice, the 60 day window closed, and “Donna” was forced to retake the entire checkride all over again. We here at CoBaD wonder how many other students the egregious “Don ‘No Bueno’ Giovanni” screwed with his calendar gaffes (Incidentally, “no bueno” was an expression he used on the initial checkride. It’s also grammatically incorrect, but we’ll save that discussion for some other time.) This skit also takes a jab at multitasking. According to the American Psychological Association (2006), multitasking is where someone tries to perform two tasks at the same time, switch from one task to another, or perform two or more tasks in rapid succession (say, solving math problems or classifying geometric objects). Multitasking doesn’t work for humans because humans are intrinsically monotaskers. When humans attempt to multitask, they have longer reaction times, make more errors, and lose time switching from one task to another (and they lose even more time when the tasks increase in complexity). This is why talking on the cell phone whilst driving 30 miles per hour down the road is frowned upon; losing just half a second in task switching can make the difference between life and death. So if you come across a job posting which mentions the word “multitasking,” don’t apply for it. The company’s essentially saying that it’s too cheap to hire two people to do a quality job; it would rather pay a single employee to do a crappy job, then throw him under the bus when he screws up. See the articles below for more information on how multitasking works (or to be more precise, how it doesn't work): https://www.verywellmind.com/multitasking-2795003 https://www.apa.org/topics/research/multitasking https://health.clevelandclinic.org/science-clear-multitasking-doesnt-work/ https://asana.com/resources/multitasking https://link.springer.com/article/10.3758/PBR.17.4.479 In those rare cases (approximately 2.5%, according to Watson and Strayer, 2010) when an individual does have the ability to multitask (also known as a “supertasker”), he may be tempted to add more tasks. But when the cumulative demands of the tasks (or load) becomes too great (i.e., “task saturation”), he will invariably have to “shed tasks,” that is, drop low priority tasks in order to concentrate on the higher priority tasks. An even bigger problem lies when people apply multitasking at an interpersonal level, like “Don” did in this sketch by rapidly switching between roles of an examiner (conducting private pilot and instrument checkrides), a student (participating in a DPE Practical Test) and as a interviewee at a job interview (with Mr. Statue of Commendatore Airlines). Interpersonal multitasking is not so much dangerous as it is dehumanizing. By reducing his appointments to mere tasks, the designated pilot examiner demeaned everyone much in the same manner that Mozart’s Don Giovanni demeaned women. In the real life inspiration for the skit, when the calendar “demand” became too great, “Don” simply “shed,” or brushed aside the “nuisance” “Donna Elvira” like he was a low-priority task, showing no concern for the consequences of his task shedding, very much in the same manner that Mozart’s Don Giovanni brushed aside the “nuisance” Donna Elvira (see Act 2, Scene 2). The perils of multitasking lie beyond poor performance. Too much multitasking can result in burnout. Note that Don Giovanni behaved very much like a burned out “task saturated” multitasker, specifically in his inability to concentrate; he lost track of his surroundings (he had to be reminded the checkride had just started when he had thought it had finished) and he had to be reminded by Donna Elvira how to answer even the most basic small talk-type questions from his three other simultaneous meetings. Even after shedding the “Donna Elvira task,” he still couldn’t maintain attention on Donna Elvira because he had his head buried up his portable electronic devices (note that the Don Giovanni in this skit, like his 2018 counterpart, did not have a single integrated calendar, otherwise he would have spotted his schedule conflicts much sooner). So basically, the upshot of all this is that the only task interpersonal multitaskers are good at is failing to be interpersonal. So while it may appear that you have an interpersonal multitasker’s undivided attention; it’s very likely you don’t. Their attention, like Don Giovanni himself, is just a masquerade. References to “Don Giovanni” (music by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, libretto by Lorenzo Da Ponte): Giovanni: “…under my fertile talent…” - From Act 2, Scene 1. Spoken by Don Giovanni upon seeing Leporello, disguised as Don Giovanni, attempting to seduce Donna Elvira. Giovanni: “Over eighteen hundred…” - Leoprello’s estimate of Don Giovanni’s conquests from Act 1, Scene 2 (”Thus he has consoled eighteen hundred”), although it’s clear from the Catalogue Aria (see below) that the total number of seductions is a lot more (2,065 according to the libretto). Giovanni: “One thousand and three in Spain alone…” - A reference to the famous aria in Act 1, Scene 2 “Madamina, il catalogo è questo” (“My dear lady, this is the catalogue”) sung by Leporello to Donna Elvira. The aria is also known as the “Catalogue Aria.” Giovanni: “As I always say, ‘He who remains faithful to one is being cruel to the others’…I have an overabundance of sentiment…” - From Act 2, Scene 1. Giovanni: “You’re not my first screwing, you know. I’ve literally got a catalog of them.” - Another reference to the Catalogue Aria. Giovanni: “I’m not even gonna think so much as bolting for the airlines until I’ve dumped you off on another examiner…Mr. Leporello I think his name is.” - Alludes to Act 2, Scene 1 where Leporello, disguised as Don Giovanni, attempts to woo Donna Elvira and lure her away from her house so that Don Giovanni can seduce Donna Elvira’s maid. Giovanni: “I’m sorry, I was looking at my two cell phones, tablet and smartwatch. Did you say something?” - Giovanni clearly wasn’t paying attention to Donna, who was obviously mad by this point in the skit. Compare with Don Giovanni’s line in Act 1, Scene 3 to Don Ottavio and Donna Anna: “She’s mad, pay no attention…” Giovanni: ”Almost time for coffee and desserts! Don’t wanna miss out on those chocolates, ices and sweets, you know.” - From Act 1, scene 5. At a ballroom in Don Giovanni’s house, Don Giovanni and Leporello use coffee, chocolate, ices and sweets as a means to seduce Zerlina, whom Giovanni later attempts to assault in a private room. So at this point in this skit, it appears that the hunter Don Giovanni has now become the hunted. Donna Elvira: “Certainly…Let’s shake on it!” - Alludes to Act 2, Scene 5, where Don Giovanni takes the hand of the Commendatore and descends into hell. Donna Elvira: “As I always say, ‘e de' perfidi la morte / alla vita è sempre ugual!’” - The last two lines in the opera. Translated: “And in this life scoundrels / always receive their just deserts!” Get it? Ha! Ha! Thanks to DM’s Opera Site for posting Da Ponte’s libretto of Mozart’s classic opera: www.murashev.com/opera/Don_Giovanni_libretto_Italian_English

In 1964, Geraldine "Jerrie" Fredritz Mock (1925-2014) became the first woman to fly solo around the world. To learn more about her historic flight, CoBaD recommends checking out the following interactive map of her trip: https://www.arcgis.com/apps/MapJournal/index.html?appid=a789f2920df14f95b05552cf77280f22 Columbus: “…taking off from New Columbus Georgia, Ohio and departing to the southeast. Then my first checkpoint will be Indigenous-Peoples-of-the-Americas-apolis, Indiana to the west…” - In October, 1492, when Christopher Columbus landed on the island the natives called Guanahani, he called the inhabitants of the land “Los Indios” (Spanish for "Indians"). Yet by the way they were dressed and spoke, it should have been immediately and abundantly clear even to the simplest of minds that these men and women weren’t from India. Yet Columbus stuck with the name. In this skit, Columbus is merely using the same logic in his flight plan. A modern day example of this would be someone departing Dallas, Texas and wanting to drive to Oklahoma City, Oklahoma (to the north). But instead, he makes a wrong turn and goes to the south, ending up in San Antonio, Texas. He could either: (1) admit he made a wrong turn or go back north through Dallas and on to Oklahoma City (like most people would do), or (2) refuse to admit he’s wrong and call San Antonio “New Oklahoma City, Texas” and claim his trip a success. In this example, Christopher Columbus would clearly choose the latter approach. King Ferdinand: “You’re reading me off the checkpoints from that colonoscopy prep turd of a flight plan of yours. Slapdash, very sloppy and doesn’t hold together…” - A member of our troupe is not only a former pilot, but a two-time colonoscopy “veteran.” He confirmed that Columbus’s flight plan was in fact a colonoscopy prep turd. Columbus: “…I’m AOPA and EAA. I’ve been in Oshkosh…” - AOPA (Aircraft Owners and Pilots Association) and EAA (Experimental Aircraft Association) are two of the biggest general aviation associations in America. Columbus’s “I’ve been in Oshkosh” remark is alluding to the annual “EAA AirVenture Oshkosh” in Oshkosh, Wisconsin, one of the largest general aviation fly-in conferences in the world. King Ferdinand: “…wet, greasy fat-speckled Genoa salami ass…” - King Ferdinand is referring here to Columbus’s birthplace. Columbus was born in Genoa, Italy, home to the famous “wet,” greasy and fat-speckled Genoa salami. His ass contrasts with the drier, less fatty hard ass known as hard salami of Central Europe. You’ll find a lot of hard asses in Germany, Poland and the Czech Republic. Announcer: “Columbus’s last words to Jerrie, ‘You can’t miss it,’ only sealed her fate…” - CoBaD firmly believes that when someone gives you verbal directions to a location, and finishes with the phrase “You can’t miss it,” well, that’s the kiss of death, because you’ll miss it.