3 years ago

Is this exposition just another selfish indulgence?
I had a plan today and found myself, again, struggling to follow through this weighty feeling of worthlessness. Like it is wrong to do what is good for me...
If I can do nothing else, I can examine the experience...
I think I missed #1. “I am broken.”
Faulty core belief or Fact?
We borderlines feel things and express ourselves in absolutes.
There is so much more I wish I could say here. Especially with Mother’s Day being tomorrow.
No one involved was/is a bad person. I was born into a perfect storm. An empath into emotional chaos. One of a line, it seems...
And, someday, when I can keep my shit together enough to get it out coherently, I will explain why I lay primary blame for much of my story on feminism… the outright demonization of the role of mother (rather than elevating this incredible gift/responsibility to the status it deserves as the MOST IMPORTANT ROLE IN SOCIAL DEVLOPMENT. Parents make PEOPLE!) and resulting destruction of the family and identity that has caused the GLOBAL MENTAL HEALTH CRISIS.
Those who decry their mothers should think about the pressure they were under to fulfill this responsibility AND be “free”(BOUND) to MAKE MONEY. We completely ignore(d) the need to make people. My mother was overwhelmed. Wanting to be a mother to her, eventually, 8 children; having to work nights to make ends meet. I was number 5. It was the early 70s…
I know she loved me. She meant well. She, like I, could not juggle the priorities of being both a provider and nurturer. We have created a world where it is almost impossible to truly be a good mother (or, father for that matter…parent at all). We have all but abolished the role; outsourcing to daycares and schools. I wish I could have been a better one to my own son. Glad that there was still some sense in the world while I couldn’t.
The patterns laid down in our earliest years are our map.
Self awareness is a double-edged sword. Knowing that you are wired wrong; what and where the damage is only serves to reinforce it all when you can’t actually fix it. At least, not without a lot of effort and support from … all of those relationships you formed badly. What do you do when it isn’t just you that is damaged? When your culture itself is as broken as you are and actively blocks your ability to heal? There is no eraser. Think of any infrstructure problem...

Trigger Warning - A series sharing authentic experience that, hopefully, brings some wisdom and true knowledge back into the conversation.
Examining the greater context through the lens of my experience as society has degenerated before my eyes.

Treading through a minefield... in the name of unconditional love...
I just tell the tale.
I don't say I like it.
🙃🙏

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